No, my first name ain't baby, it's Andrew. President Jackson if ya nasty.

Hey readers!

I found some wine, and I'm ready to talk about our SEVENTH FUCKING PRESIDENT, BLOODY BLOODY ANDREW JACKSON! (Does anyone remember that musical?? It was like THE OG Hamilton. I'm pretty sure Lin Man Miranda Manuel isn't even that original. Now I'm glad I can't afford to see Hamilton. I saw the OG Presidential Broadway show.)

I went into this biography thinking, "Jackson, he's a real scumbag. I can't wait to hear about all the ways he destroyed our country." And guys, I don't like to admit when I'm wrong, but... I was wrong. Jackson, while Problematic with a capital P, was actually kind of great? Fuck. I know, it feels wrong to say, but hear me out...

Jackson had a pretty tough childhood. His parents came from Ireland (that explains the temper) and settled in the frontier. The original Andrew Jackson came a year before the Andrew Jackson we know and love (?), but he died as a baby, and, this is super weird, but the pallbearers got so drunk they lost the corpse. I literally wrote "WTF?" in the margins when I read this. (Side note. I love that this fucking author Meacham finds it appropriate to include shit like this, but literally writes, "Jackson was an attorney general for Tennessee, us rep, us senator, judge, and major general of the state militia." in ONE FUCKING SENTENCE.) Back to AJ: The Sequel, Back in Jackson, his dad died before he was born and his mom had to go to work. She was hired by the Crawford family to clean and take care of their kids. So Jackson was basically on his own.


There's this story early on about how him and his brother were captured by British soldiers during the revolutionary war. The soldiers demanded he clean their boots and he was all FUCK OFF BROS. He was 13. His mother bailed them out, but the brother did not survive and Jackson carried a scar on his forehead for the rest of his life. Shortly after his mother was called to Charleston to care for one of the rich Crawford kids. She gets sick and dies and now Jackson is all alone. (His other brother, a soldier, died in combat.) This is pretty monumental shit in how Jackson will act. He learns to love his country above all else (probably cause he didn't really HAVE much) and will defend it at any cost.

He spends the rest of his childhood bouncing around family's homes, causing problems and being thrown out. Because of this he's never given a formal education. He did spend a lot of time in church though, and that gives him a "worldly viewpoint." (Meacham's words, not mine.)

He spends his twenties partying hard, but also being a lawyer? This is one of my beefs with Meacham's work. Jackson's entire early life is condensed down into like, 40 pages. Which, I get, he has an impressive presidency and you want to focus on that, but like how does he go from this problem child to lawyer? Like, I don't know what the RULES are in early America, but it's gotta be harder than just being like, "Gee, I'm a lawyer now!" Context helps, friend, context helps.

So yeah, he was a wild man who got into a lot of fights. He got into this big duel with this guy Dickinson over his wife's honor and OMG DUDE, JACKSON KILLED A GUY! ("You might want to lay low, you're probably wanted for murder.") And he carried the fucking bullet around in his chest for his entire life. Jackson was the original Greedo, "Han shot first!" (Dudes, why do I even know this nerd shit? I buy ONE STAR WARS SHIRT and now I can reference it?!? WHAT IS MY LIFE!) But the biggest scandal of his life (NO, NOT HIM FUCKING KILLING A GUY, which, this is probably why Trump thinks he could kill someone and not lose any support because we already had a fucking murderer as President) is when he married some other man's wife!!!! When he moved to Tennessee, he stayed with the Donnelsons and fell in love with Rachel. She was married to someone else, although, admittedly it was not going well. She leaves the dude, there's some fuzziness in the timeline, and Jackson marries her. Some say that they THOUGHT she was divorced, others say they're bigamists. Who knows? Who cares? (I mean, a lot of 1824 and 1828 voters, but whatevs.) (Also, sidenote: the photo they include of Rachel in the book... I don't like to be one of those women that shits on another woman's looks and thinks like why did so and so get with her, she's an uggo, but... Andrew Jackson had AMAZING HAIR and he seems like he was a lot of fun... This is Meacham's fault, he doesn't give me reasons why AJ loved her and so I'm literally ONLY going off of her looks here. I know, now I'm Problematic with a capital P.)

Another thing Meacham glosses over is Jackson's military career. He was a bomb ass general (I originally wrote major here, but because that is a war thing, I felt like "major general" would be unnecessarily confusing) during the war of 1812. At one point he imposes martial law on New Orleans so that no brits can leave and he defeats them all in a decisive victory. (Well, the war had ended at this point, but he didn't know that, so let's let him have it).

Jackson maintained this epic wartime personality even after the war ended. He invaded and secured Florida for the US, he got rid of Native Americans, hell, the guy did it all! Some say he had a terrible temper, which, I will not argue against (See: treatment of Native Americans). But he did learn how to reign it in as he got older, in order for him to succeed.

Speaking of succeeding, 1824 was not his year. As we know from my JQA biography *SPOILERS*, Jackson lost the 1824 election to JQA in the house, even though he won the popular vote. This defeat kind of changed his life. He began campaigning for the 1828 election on the spot, and vowed to fight FOR THE PEOPLE for the rest of his life.

Who knows what Jackson did during those four years, because Meacham sure as fuck didn't mention it. Cut to: Jackson wins 1828 election!!!! But it was dirty as fuck. And all JQA's people went after AJ and his past but particularly Rachel and her previous marriage. She was so distraught that she FUCKING DIED LIKE TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE INAUGURATION. Jackson literally bases half his presidency on defending her/women like her's honor. It's a rocky road, but I am here for it.

The 1828 election had a huge turnout, and Emily Donnelson, Jackson's niece/proxy first lady (that's not weird) calls the inauguration the biggest crowd of all time. This had me all 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔. I even drew that emoji in the margins of the book. (Spoiler alert: this will not be the only time that I draw comparisons from this time to the present shit show.) A big correlation was that Jackson was like, the first big disruption the White House had seen. Everyone was pretty sure that Jackson was an ingrate and that he would destroy the country. Most people didn't even think he knew how to read. Plus! He talked about DRAINING THE MOTHER FUCKING SWAMP. (Although, big difference here, Jackson actually BELIEVED what he said and followed through.)

Jackson felt that he was the man to speak for THE PEOPLE and that Washington was full of insiders and he was gonna go in there and fucking change that shit. He started by eliminating 919 appointments which was historic af. This idea of being for the people would be one of the defining thoughts of his presidency.


(Side note, because Jackson and JQA hated each other so much, they didn't fucking talk about inauguration day, and there were NO FUCKING COPS. All the people stormed the White House and it was like a fucking mob scene. People fucking trashed the place. Great start, dude.)

I'm starting to get really fucking tired and am not sure if I can keep this up. I'm sitting here like, should I just wait and get drunk another day this week and finish so that I can give AJ's presidency his due diligence, or should I just keep trucking?

OKAY FUCKERS, I'M BACK. Sorry for that brief hiatus! (Although, what am I talking about here? You don't even know that I took a break! It's not like I published the first half. I could LITRALLY just delete the paragraph above and get back to brass tacks. But really, I don't want to lie to you guys.) But look at me, here I am, drunk on a Tuesday. IS THIS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME? Funemployment, you treat me so well.

So where was I? Right! Jackson was just elected President. I know thus far, I've kind of outlined shit in a chronological order, but I think that for his Presidency, I just want to talk about the major points, because there are about five HUGE things that happened and I think they'll be better to talk about individually than trying to break up in order. Bear with me guys, okay?

EATONS V. EVERYONE
First and foremost, I want to talk about the most EPIC scandal ever. I literally am OBSESSED with this part of the biography, I have a new hero. Her name was Margarette O'Neal Timberlake Eaton. Notice all her fucking last names, this lady was a BOSS (pronounced BAUUUUSS). So, Margarette, she was known for her loose morals and even looser legs. She was married to this marine last name Timberlake, first name who gives a fuck because he dies in the beginning of this story. That's right, he was all up in arms about Margie stepping out that, rumor has it, he killed himself. One of the men (and there were many [There's this hilarious aside about this British minister that passed her in the halls of the White House and was appalled that she didn't recognize him. Why? Because they had slept together]) that Margie was sleeping with was Eaton (who's first name is escaping me because he literally doesn't matter in this story, other than being the avenue for us meeting the love of my life, Margie), who knocked her up, and then being the stand up guy he was, married her. Well, you may ask, why does this matter? Well, this matters because Eaton became Jackson's Secretary of War.

Half of Jackson's cabinet hated the Eatons, his veep, Calhoun, hated the Eatons, the Donnelsons, his family from another mother (Rachel), hated the Eatons (they tried to be more tactful about it, but it was pretty clear that they despised Margie, and it fucking blew up in their faces). Even the fucking religious wackjobs hated her. Jackson's own priest got involved in the scandal. His priest made this whole "sad catalog" of her misconduct (Sidenote: I really want to make this a real thing. Send out a monthly sad catalog to subscribers. I don't know what it entails, but definitely a lot of tissues and tv dinners) and even wrote letters equating Margie to Rachel (which Jackson basically responded with a OH NO YOU DIN'T). A lot of people said that he shouldn't have stuck up for the Eaton's. Especially when he held a FUCKING CABINET MEETING defending Margie's honor and calling her as "chaste as a virgin!" LOLZ (As Mrs. JQA pointed out, most of the stories about Margie came form her own mouth!) (There was also this nice little aside about JQA writing about this scandal in his diary and I so love imagining him as a gossipy little bitch.) But basically Jackson felt like Eaton was a stand up guy of great morals (other than his hussy ass wife) who was damn good at his job.

Early on in the administration, Eaton considered resigning because everyone hated his wife so much. He ended up staying on though and it caused TONS of issues throughout his administration. Anytime there was a goddamned party, the cabinet's wives would not socialize with Margie and it would become a whole thing. FINALLY, a compromise was reached: Jackson wouldn't force the members of his cabinet (and their prude ass wives) to socialize with the Eatons, but they couldn't spread rumors about her either.

In the middle of his first term, the Eaton issue also caused riffs within his own family. Margie told AJ that Emily was acting like a major bitch to her, and Jackson was furious. He basically told Emily and Andrew that they would accompany him to Tennessee, and if they didn't apologize, they couldn't return to the White House. Well, SPOILER ALERT: They didn't apologize and Emily was exiled from the WH for almost two years.

The Eaton saga finally ended at the end of Jackson's first term. Van Buren, who was the mastermind behind the 1828 election, started scheming for the 1832 election (and beyond!). He basically was like, if Jackson is going to defeat Clay (and most likely Calhoun), we need to get rid of all this fucking scandal. (God, what an old timey Olivia Pope.) He decided that he would resign. He knew that Eaton would follow suit; Emily and Andrew Donnelson would return to the WH, and Jackson would be focused and ready to win. It all worked according to plan, Jackson forced three more members of his cabinet to resign and he emerged with a cabinet he could control, and Van Buren escaped the scandal unscathed.

WAIT! It's not over! There's this HILARIOUS FUCKING STORY about Ingham (one of the cabinet members) and Eaton fucking battling it out on the streets of DC. After he was forced to resign, Ingham wrote about the scandal in the paper and Eaton was fucking furious. SO MUCH SO THAT HE TRIES TO KILL INGHAM. He and his friends begin a fucking armed search of the city, prowling outside his home and office. Ingham finally gets away to Baltimore, and Eaton retires. (Also,  we can't forget about our dear Margie. In her old age, she fucking marries her grandaughter's NINETEEN YEAR OLD ITALIAN DANCE INSTRUCTOR. BOSS ASS FUCKING BITCH. If this is ever made into a movie, I want Rhianna to play her.)

So, you may ask, why do Margie's sexual escapades matter? Well, that's because people are fucking prudes. Everyone lost their fucking SHIT over Margie's hussy ways. See, she was totally unapologetic about her past/present. She was loud and brash, and the other members of Jackson's cabinet were not into it. Her hoery basically created this giant schism. And well, because of Jackson's past with Rachel, he stuck up for Margie. You were either on his (and by proxy her) side, or you weren't. Meacham theorizes that this scandal reverberated through American politics for DECADES (GOD, America, WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH WOMEN AND WHAT THEY DO WITH THEIR BODIES?????)

One of the big divides was between Jackson and Calhoun, his veep. Calhoun basically saw his path to the White House as avoiding conflict. He figured that Jackson was a one term President and he thought he would just sit back and wait to be chosen his successor. HOWEVER, Calhoun's wife did NOT care for our dear Margie, and so Calhoun did not either. And Jackson, intent on standing up for her honor, grew distant with his veep. One man that stepped up to help defend Margie's honor was Martin Van Buren. Readers, do we know who succeeded Jackson to be President of these United States? Was it Calhoun? No. It wasn't. It was FUCKING MARTIN VAN BUREN.

So yeah, we can all thank Margarette O'Neal Timberlake Eaton, the fucking kingmaker.

JACKSON V. THE SOUTH
Arguably the most defining argument during Jackson's presidency was Nullification. Basically, South Carolina was trying to assert "States Rights" (yes, that's right, that bullshit still existed back then!) because they were pissed about some BS they didn't agree with. See, JQA had imposed this tariff. And they wanted the right to nullify any federal law that they didn't agree with. (They also really didn't want to lose their slaves.) Calhoun was one of the men leading the charge for SC, and there was even talk of secession. Jackson felt that above all, unity was most important. He felt that this issue was a temporary divisions and that the country must overcome and stay together.

In 1830, two major issues came to a head: the tariff and internal improvements. Basically all the money that was being raised by the tariffs in the south was being used to improve states in the west and the south was not happy. Senator Clay proposed some road in Kentucky and Jackson was like, Fuck, what do I do? See, Jackson wasn't really sure HOW to fix the issue of federally raised money being used for state shit, so he decided that he would only approve interstate projects and veto anything that didn't cross state lines. Southerners were fucking pissed. They wanted their fucking money to go to THEIR states. They were basically Goodfellas at this point (FUCK YOU, PAY ME.).

Jackson attempted to lower tariffs, but it didn't appease the nullifiers. He started to make plans for a possible mutiny and started quietly organized troops. (He had fucking spies in the south which was cool as shit) Then, in 1832, SC nullified the tariff and challenged the President's authority. Jackson gave his annual address shortly after. Most thought he was being a giant pussy and giving into the nullifiers, but he was only trying to make SC appear unreasonable before his proclamation where he'd fucking LOSE IT ON THOSE SOUTHERN FUCKS. He argued that if nullification were in existence at the start of the union, that the United States wouldn't exist. That some dumbass state would have found a reason not to fight on the Revolutionary War. He argued that there were already ways to appeal unconstitutional acts passed by congress: the judiciary and the President. And that these idiots were just being big giant babies.

Surprisingly, this proclamation didn't seem to knock any sense into these thick skulled southern mouth breathers. Tensions continued to rise and it looked like the nation would delve into a civil war. Because of this, Jackson proposed the Force Bill, which would give him authorization to direct the military and state militias to carry out federal law. He basically worried that other states might join SC in so many different scenarios. He worried that if he cut the tariff by too much, northerners would join the fight for nullification, but if he didn't cut it enough, the southerners might. If he secured the power to strike, southerners would join the cause, if he didn't, he'd be accused of overstepping his power. HE WAS IN A WORLD CLASS PICKLE. (Except for the fact that he DID have the power to strike, he just wanted to fuck over Congress and put himself in the best possible political position. You know, re-election.)

FINALLY, Senator Clay proposed a cut to the tariff and the Compromise of 1833 emerged. The tariff is reformed and the Force Bill passes. Jackson basically loses to posterity in this case though, with Clay and Calhoun emerging as the driving forces behind the passage of the Compromise. HOWEVER, Jackson had been the man behind the scenes pushing for compromise the whole time. They all talk about him being a war hungry rage ball, but like, he would have found a way to use military force against SC rather than waiting until being struck first if he had wanted to. He merely projected an image of strength while looking for a way out.



So... I just spent fucking four hours writing the end of this goddamned book review. It was brilliant. I went into Jackson's fights with Native Americans and Congress and everyone and I talked about all the funny fucking things in this book that cracked me up. I ranked the Presidents. I wrote about why I felt Jackson was better than half of the founding fathers. I pressed save. I published. And... it's all gone. So much fucking energy. So many thoughts, just... gone.

I can't do this for longer or go into more detail. I wanted to give this it's due diligence and this fucking program fucking fucked me.

So, let's quickly recap:

The other sections we're missing are:

Jackson V. Bank - Basically Jackson fought with the national bank because he felt like they didn't have the interest of the people. It was a super long, nuanced fight, but because Blogger sucks, this it all you get. Jackson ended up winning this battle, but was censured.

Jackson V. Minorities - We all know he was a dick when it comes to Native Americans. He wasn't the only person that felt this way at the time, but that doesn't excuse shit. Again, another fucking nuanced issue that I'm condensing to nothing. Thanks fucking browser.

Jackson V. Congress - Arguably the most important issue that we don't fucking have time for. The jist of it is that Jackson fought with Congress to expand his power. Not for his personal gain, but for the people. Would have loved to go into detail here.

God, this fucking review depresses me. I spent fucking hours going into specific reasoning while I felt that Jackson was an impressive President, important to the time, important to prosperity and it's all gone. I talked about his fucking impression on future presidencies and history and why he made it to my top five thus far. And now, if I list my goddamned power rankings, it's just gonna seem like I thought the dumb Eaton scandal was fun so I gave him I high ranking.

Yeah, I talked about this stupid book a lot, and yeah I'd fucking recommend it. I had this whole bit about how they mention Lincoln like a goddamned superhero origin story, but I'm too tired now. It was all so funny and great and fuck technology.

So Power rankings (Oh I had this hilarious bit that for each I'd say something like, "name a better doctrine, I'll wait" like that dumb ass meme, and TJ's mentioned abuse of power dynamics, but again, 2018 blows a big one, so here's just your dumb list in order.)
1. JQA
2. Monroe
3. John Adams
4. Jackson
5. GDUBS
6. Madison
7. TJ - don't @ me

Have a good night. Just imagine in place of this shitty second half a beautiful, detailed, hilarious review that I spent my entire night on. Just picture how much fun I had staying up til 3am writing it. Just picture how I took literal months to get back to writing this, how I wanted to give it thought and heart and effort. Just picture that I refused to start my book on Van Buren until I could get drunk and finish the book review, as to not sully my impression of Jackson based on this new author's thoughts. Yeah, tonight sucks.

A GRAND opportunity for a GOLDEN dinner

Sup homies!

What a fine Sunday evening to get drunk and talk about books!!

I recently received a new cookbook from Blogging for Books and after drinking several whiskeys at my Steelers bar this afternoon, I figured why not make myself something delicious and get further hammered.

Enter The Grand Central Market Cookbook. For all you NOOBS out there, the GCM is this cool ass place in DTLA that has pretty great food and epic lines for said food. It's my go to tourist destination because I feel like it gives a pretty LA vibe, but is still fun to hang out in. I've been to a handful of the venues: Eggslut, Golden Road, Oysters, Mcconnells. It's pretty freakin sweet. And now they have a cookbook! All these places AND MORE feature some delicious sounding stuff.

The book itself is cool, it has everything from breakfast to dessert and tons of fun shit in between. THERE IS A WHOLE SECTION ABOUT SALSAS! And it's well designed, lots of cool pictures and quotes about LA.



So after a bunch of whiskeeeyyyyy on iiiiiice, I decided to make a bomb ass cocktail and some ah-MAH-zing tacos.

The drink comes from the "Courage and Craft" Stall (A-1!!!!!!). They talk about how there are three conventional cocktail families: The Fix, The Buck, and The Maid. I chose the fix which is lemon juice, simple syrup, bourbon (OH HELLO THERE FRIEND), and seasonal fruit. I chose plums??



APPARENTLY what distinguishes THE FIX is that it's served over CRUSHED ICE. Enter MY HAMMER:



The drink was pretty fucking easy to make and VERY delicious (I'm on my second one).



So now it's time for the main course. There was a whole section dedicated to tacos, so it seemed like the best route to take. Golden Road Brewing (STALL A-9!!!!) (They make a big deal about telling you what stall these places are in, but they don't include a map, so it seems pretty fucking stupid to mention the stall. Like, when I'm there, I'm just going to look for the NAME not like oh, I made delicious tacos from that cookbook. The name is escaping me, but I TOTALLY REMEMBER THE STALL NUMBER!) had these CRUNCHY AVOCADO TACOS and while they said they were vegan (nothing dries me up like the word vegan) they looked pretty good and I had some ripe avocados so let's DO THIS SHIT.



They're served with a salsa from the SECTION OF SALSAS! And you know what, I think the salsa was the biggest bitch to make. JUST LOOK AT ALL THESE STEPS:



After making the salsa, it's time to batter, bread, and fry up some avocados. The batter calls for an entire beer, and don't tell anyone, I did not use Golden Road beer. (Sorry guys, I had some rando beers in my fridge that I felt like wasting.) This was not as daunting as I assumed it would be, but at this point, I was pretty drunk:

After that, it was basically just throwing all the shit together and TAH DAH FOOD TIME BITCHES:

They were pretty fucking good. The whole time my face was like this:

Probably cause I was drunk though.

FUCK.


Sorry, I was busy CLEANING UP THE ENTIRE DRINK I SPILLED ON MY COUCH. Does bourbon stain??? Where was I???

Well, I completely lost track of what I was talking about... sooo let's just rank this shit.

Would I talk about this book while drunk? I don't know man. I'll definitely tell the story of ruining my couch. I'm pretty sure I'll talk about the tacos too. They were good. Ten out of ten, would eat again.

Would I recommend this book while drunk? I mean, it's a fine book for a free book. I wouldn't tell anyone to spend their money on it. Just go to the stalls and buy the food instead. The book probably costs more than a cocktail and some tacos. You could probably even get ice cream too. OOoooOooooOOooo ice cream...

Sorry readers, I really lost my stamina after I lost my delicious cocktail to the couch gods. I was hoping tonight would be a double header since I need to talk about Jackson, but that was a major buzzkill. I need to find something to drink before I can even think about another DBR.

JQA MOTHA FUCKAAAAAAS

GOOD EVENING, DEAR READERS!!!

The time is finally upon us to discuss our 6th President, John Quincy Adams. I finished this book a few months ago, but life has been hell and I haven't really had time time to get hammered and write about a book... UNTIL NOW!! Soon, I'll have a lot more time to do this!!!!

So... JQA... I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS.

When I started reading this book, I was NOT. A FAN. I think at one point in the beginning, I even drew a fucking eye roll emoji into the margins of the book. BUT, by the end, I became ENAMORED of JQA and in turn, have not stopped fucking talking about him.

JQA, as we all know, was the son of our second president, John Adams. He was basically groomed to be a great man from the time he was a kid. His father was obvi SUPER busy and so his mother took a huge interest in his education. At one point, she noticed he was lazy and not reading and so she pretended her eyes hurt and made him read to her. BALLER MOVE. She also convinced him to start his diary which he continued throughout his whole life, which was a major asset to our history books. Abagail Adams, once again, proving to be a ride or die bitch.

JQAs early years are the ones I have the most trouble with. I mean, he had a cool ass life, he traveled with his dad to Europe and became an assistant and translator for the Russian minister at fucking FIFTEEN. I was probably still playing with Barbies at fifteen. I didn't speak 200 languages and get a fucking full time job overseas. Not that he really did anything, except read and write in his diary. (SAME.) And then he slowly made his way back, partying and fucking across Europe. But I digress. My issues with him were AFTER these years. Once he returned to the good old US of A, he had his heart set on Harvard. He was basically US royalty because of his dad, but the dean told him to fuck off. AND OMG, WHAT A FUCKING TRAVESTY. POOR LITTLE WHITE BOY CAN'T GO TO HARVARD. The author of this biography literally says that this set him on a path to ALWAYS fight against what's wrong. I believe this is where I drew the eye roll emoji. After a year, he's allowed in and complains that he's smarter than everyone and fucks around.

At this point, I just couldn't. I was like fucking JQA, man, what a privileged little fuck face. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ENTITLED WHITE MEN. And for a while, he doesn't get any better. He starts a law firm and is all pissed that clients just aren't THROWING themselves at him because his dad is veep. He basically spends his time writing articles about current events.

This impresses Washington and he's appointed to minister to Holland, where he became one of America's best resources for intelligence. He helped set up the Jay Treaty and secured good relations with Britain. BUT he was worried about his job if his father became Washington's successor. Even though France tried to swing the election in TJ's favor (HELLO CORRELATION!), Adams won the presidency and let JQA keep his job.

During all of this he meets his wife, Louisa. And another moment of me wanting to strangle a white man, these words are literally put into print. Louisa was "silent when she needed to be but a good conversationalist when appropriate." GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. I hope this meant she talked constantly and told every man ever to fuck off.

There's also this story where one of the ladies in Germany gave her makeup and she put it on and JQA FLIPPED HIS FUCKING SHIT and forced her to wipe it off and in my notes I wrote "Nevertheless, she persisted." because after several attempts, she wore the shit out of that makeup.

So yeah, at this point, I'm even wondering how I grew to like this asshole. At this point he sounds like some goddamned Bernie bro.

So after his dad lost to TJ, he went back to "TRYING" to be a lawyer. Finally he gave up and decided to run for congress. During his time there he worked hard to get rid of corruption so much that everyone hated him and wanted rid of him. SO, they nominated him for the US Senate. There he made TONS OF FRIENDS. JK LOL. He pissed everyone off there too. Republicans and Federalists could agree on one thing, JQA WAS A FUCKER. He fought everyone on EVERYTHING. No one wanted the Louisiana Purchase, knowing it would stir the shit on the slavery issue. Who pushed a vote? JQA. He even fucking fought his colleagues on wearing signs of mourning. He was referred to as being of "chronic malcontent" read: a dickhead.

Don't get me wrong, he had some achievements in the Senate. He refused to cede 150 miles to Canada and because of that, WE HAVE THE PUGENT SOUND!!!!! WHAT WHAT!!!! He also defended the 1st amendment when that fucker TJ tried to jail a SC justice for having a different opinion than his.

But his Senate career fell to shit when his Non Importation Act passed and shut off trade with Britain and decimated the economy. Again, he went back to "focusing on his law practice." Does his story end here? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T.

He became a minister to Russia under Madison and he was nominated to be on the Supreme Court (he declined). AND JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS MAN ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO BEING PRESIDENT YET. I NEED ANOTHER WINE.

Okay, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, yeah. So he was a diplomat during the War of 1812, but didn't really have a lot to do. Once that was over, he was appointed a position in London and helped establish peace and favorable trade relations with Britain.

Monroe then appointed him Secretary of State, which back in the day was a big fucking deal. It was considered the "ladder to the presidency." (OH GOD, HOW I WISH THAT WERE STILL TRUE. INSTEAD, THE FUCKING APPRENTICE IS. [I need to be careful what I say. I'm pretty sure they're about to Handmaid's Tale the shit out of America {I just finished that book two hours ago and it scared the shit out of me.}.]) Monroe and JQA worked really well together, and Monroe hoped that JQA would succeed him. But JQA, ALL HIGH AND FUCKING MIGHTY felt that the people should pick the president, not him, so he refused to campaign. This came back to royally bite him in the ass.

During all this time, shit went DOWN with slavery. Spain ceded Florida to the US and with it came the question of whether slavery should be allowed there. JQA was a constitutional law expert (much like any fucking GOPer claims to be these days) and he said that we couldn't abolish it without an amendment, but we could prevent it in new states. While flawed, thus was born the Missouri Compromise.

Jesus Christ, I know, this review is ENDLESS, and he ISN'T EVEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT YET. But believe me, the Presidency will take up like, one paragraph.

Monroe won re-election almost unanimously. (People didn't want him to win unanimously, they wanted that honor to only be give ton GDUBS, so someone voted for JQA), but his second term was a wash because he was so concerned with maintaining the "Era of Good Feeling."

Now it's time for the big election! JQA vs. Jackson (vs. Clay vs. 10 million other people). Jackson won the popular vote, but no one got that GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT ELECTORAL COLLEGE. It came down to the House. Clay and Crawford conspired to get JQA elected because they were pretty sure Jackson couldn't even spell his own name. (God, how I wish that's how this past election would have gone. Instead of Trump [who I guess we know can spell his own name cause he fucking writes it on everything, but probably can't spell anything else.]. I wish that those fuckers would have chosen country over party, but as the Monty Python boys always say, "Let's not bicker over who killed who.") Predictably, this did not go over well. Jackson threw a hissy fit and formed a political party who's sole purpose was to prevent JQA from doing anything while president, which, SPOILER ALERT, they succeeded at.

Literally, homeboy spent 4 years reading and writing in his diary. There was this one story about how he went swimming and almost drowned and someone had to save him and pulled him ashore naked and it was SO EMBARRASSING. He also signed this terrible tariff into law, and everyone in the south hated him.

But really, basically EVERYONE hated him. He was "an elite." People were all pissed that a Harvard educated man would tell them how to improve their lives. THEY DIDN'T WANT TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES. (God, there are so many goddamned correlations to HRC, that it fucking pains me to write this. I HAVE PTSD. I need more wine.)

So, he lost reelection, and returned home. He was elected to congress almost unanimously. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS GOOD. I don't know where this JQA was when he was President, but baby, he was a firework. He decided that, fuck it, he was gonna take on BIG SLAVERY and win. He did everything he could to bring the issue of slavery up in the House. Oh, you're gonna put me on the manufacturing committee? Let me find a fucking obscure way to tie slavery to machinery. Oh, you're gonna issue a gag order? Let me bring some mother fucking women in here to "pray" against slavery. Oh, you're gonna censure me? BISH, I DON'T CARE. He literally took EVERY fucking opportunity to try to abolish slavery. And everyone hated him for it.

(Some other notable shit during this time: he was also the lawyer for the free Africans that were kidnapped aboard the Amistad. He won that trial for them. He was also an advocate for FUCKING SCIENCE. He got the Smithsonian and observatories around America built. He also was the first President to sit for a photograph.)

Back to his fight against slavery. He put in a petition for the North to secede and everyone fucking flipped shit. His argument would end up serving as the basis for the Emancipation fucking Proclamation. At this point, he was even more popular than the President. Dude, even fucking LINCOLN is because of this dude. He was a junior congressman during this time and was inspired by all his ranting and raving. WHERE WAS THIS GUY DURING HIS PRESIDENCY?!?!?

AND THEN, OMG, GUYS, THIS IS THE BEST FUCKING PART. So, Texas annexed from Mexico, tried to join the US and it started a war with Mexico and Britain. JQA has been warning against this shit for years. After years of war, it was finally over, and there was a vote on the floor to thank the generals for their victory. Everyone voted yes. EXCEPT FUCKING JOHN. QUINCY. ADAMS. And as he shouts "NAY," HE FUCKING COLLAPSES AND DIES. THIS GUY WAS SO BADASS THAT HE LITERALLY VOTED AGAINST SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE WAS FOR WITH HIS DYING BREATH. I CAN'T EVEN.

And man, the nation MOURNED. They mourned harder than they did when GDUBS, MISTER FUCKING AMERICA, died. People had finally realized what a stand up dude he was and were sad to lose him as protector of their rights.

Isn't this story incredible?????!??! It starts with some fucking bro that just like, rides on his dad's coat tails and ends up with the guy that basically ended slavery. Well, he started to end slavery. He had mother fucking convictions and he impressed the shit out of me.

(Side note, this is so badly what I want for HRC right now. I know that most people think that after you try for President, it's beneath you to be anything else. But JQA served fucking 18 years as a congressman after being a President, and I would argue that it was the most impressive moments of his life. I'd love to see her destroy on the floor of the House, not giving a fuck, fighting for what's right, and then getting the respect she deserves. But, I digress.)

Let's get down to brass tacks since I've been literally typing for over an hour and I'm much drunker now than when I started. Obviously, I've been talking about this a lot when drunk. I recently went to dinner with friends and spent the entire time talking about JQA. And yes, I'd recommend this book. Unger is a pro, even if his thoughts on women are borderline eye roll.

Now onto Presidential Power Rankings. I'm unsure how to play this. So like, JQA was a shit president. He literally didn't do anything besides write in his diary and almost drown. BUT, after his presidency, he was FUCKING AWESOME. Way more impressive than any of the dopes that came before him. And when I look at the power rankings thus far, I feel way more strongly about him than any of the other top contenders. SO....

1. JQA - While he didn't do anything as President, he's the most impressive man thus far. And if anyone wants to argue this, I have a "DIED VOTING HIS CONSCIOUS" card I can play.

2. Monroe - Still stands up as a good dude.

3. John Adams - JQA Lite. Same Convictions, Less Calories.

4. GDUBS - We'll always have the curtains at Mount Vernon.

5. Madison - Hey, at least you're not Thomas Jefferson.

6. TJ - Listen dude, this is the last time I rank you last. Jackson is up next.

James Monroe: My New Favorite Founding Father

HEEEY GUYYYYS!!!!

I'm coming off of a week long vacation full of wine and books. The first book I tackled during this trip was about our FIFTH PRESIDENT: James Monroe. Of all of the Presidential biographies I've read so far, this dude is by far my favorite. I was crazy captivated about his life, super into the book, rooting for him his whole life, and wishing for more once it was done. I'm even going to buy JQA by the same author because it was so great. So moral of the story: James Monroe - HECK YES!!

So, let's talk about his life. He was born during the French Indian war (which, Unger mentions GDubs started, I already like this guy!). His parents died within a year of one another when he was super young and he was forced to be the man of the house and care for his siblings. (This reminds me of how my dad grew up, so I already have a soft spot for him). He worked hard but had this uncle that was super invested in his development. This dude paid for his college and was v. well connected.

During college, all the shit with the Revolutionary war went down and Monroe went NUTS. He had all that Scottish fire in his blood and was ready to throw down for his country. He ended up dropping out and joining the army, only to get wounded in battle and almost die. He was promoted but couldn't raise troops so had to drop out of serving his country. His uncle convinced him to go back to law school and work for his country on the other side. He interned for TJ and they became BFFAFAFAFAF.

Monroe serves on Congress and becomes a voice for the country. He's never scared to voice his REAL OPINION and throw down when he needs to. The country was kind of a mess and had no way of creating new laws and he was insistent on creating some kind of federal power to protect interests of the country.

One of my major gripes with this dude is how often he got pissed off with government. He'd notice he wasn't making a giant profit (OH HOW DIFFERENT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WERE FROM THESE ASSHATS WE HAVE IN OFFICE NOW) and bail on government. He'd be all like, "Bros, I gotta quit. I'm gonna go open my law firm." ten hundred times during his career.

But like, he was way too invested. After quitting and Jay blowing up shit with with the Spaniards and the Mississippi river, Monroe got back into the game and fought with his other bros over the constitution. Although he was a Republican, he favored strong central government like a Federalist. It's not that he was like TJ that went wherever the more favorable win blew, but he was open to other's ideas and if someone could convince him his point of view was wrong, he'd concede. MAJOR PROPS to that shit.

He was also in the Senate for a while after the country was formed. Monroe was all about making sure the government was FOR THE PEOPLE. He was super against secrecy rules for voting because he wanted to make sure that the government represented the people.

Monroe was given position as ambassador to France. His rules were to stay neutral but show a preference to France. This was all during the French Revolution which was basically like a giant world war in Europe. Britain and France were taking our ships hostage and imposing a crazy amount of sanctions. Jay was in charge of dealing with the British, but SURPRISE SURPRISE he fucked that up to. France got all pissed off and Monroe was recalled. The country is all up in arms in partisan rancor and Monroe, unable to get reasoning for his being recalled, publishes some SHIT in the papers about his appointment. He's all, "fuck you guys, I did my job and I'll prove it." I love this Scottish asshole!

After all this garbage, Monroe was elected to governor of Virginia. At the time this meant LITERALLY NOTHING. It was basically like shaking hands and kissing babies (gross). But Monroe transitioned this position into what it is today. At first, he used his position of power to speak to issues he felt strongly about. He was super well known and super liked so he was able to get his platform addressed, even though he couldn't vote.

TJ asked him again to deal with France to make the Louisiana Purchase happen and although he was poor as fuck, he said yes. Monroe was ALL ABOUT expanding the west, and he worked super hard in securing this deal with the French. Livingston, the other dude helping, got all pissed off that Monroe got all the credit for the deal. But dude, credit due where credit due. His daughter was friend's with Napoleon's main bitch's daughter and so Napoleon was all about dealing with Monroe. He also basically ignored TJ's price range and got MORE land for more money, but it was super good deal, like less than $2 an acre. So this made Monroe all happy because, last mission to France he was shit on for following orders and someone else ruining his deal. This time he was all, "FUCK YOU, I DO WHAT I WANT." and basically doubled the U.S. and expanded so many industries with this new land. HELLO, JOB CREATOR. (Side note: like the fuck head he is, TJ almost ruined the LP because he wasn't sure the constitution granted him that power. Thank you, Monroe for making sure this happened.)

So, after all this success, TJ sends Monroe to Britain to see if he can work his magic and get the Brits to stop fucking us over with interment for our troops and tons of trade sanctions. Monroe is miserable as fuck, not to mention poor as dirt, but he does it because he is the shit. He has a hard time, is undermined by the President but FINALLY gets a treaty, but TJ ignores it because he's a joke. See, he has all these ideas about Madison succeeding him instead of Monroe, so he fucks over his friend. He's all, fuck you guys, I'm going home. He gives up and just works on his farm for a few years.

KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS ALL BEFORE THIS DUDE IS EVEN PRESIDENT! While, I like Madison because he has a good brain, he was a shit leader. He's definitely the dude behind the scenes. Hella good speech writer, dude should write laws, but leader of the free world, no way. MONROE HAS UPPER MANAGEMENT WRITTEN ALLLLLLLL OVER HIM. He is a leader in every sense of the word.

So back to Monroe's life: Madison is falling apart and having a hard go of it in the Presidency and need Monroe's help. See, dickhead appointed all friends to positions in his cabinet, not people that actually knew what they were doing (dear god, please hold on during 2017, U.S.). After two years of not speaking, Madison BEGS his friend to come on as Secretary of State. Relations with the Brits and the French are deteriorating, but Monroe is able to work with the French. Unable to reach a good place with the Brits, war is declared and HELLO war of 1812. This is a total shit show. Madison tries to make Monroe Secretary of War too, but the people are all HELL NO and Amstrong is put in place. Bitch SUCKS at his job and shit all falls apart because he can't pay attention or listen to others. After Washington burns do to his incompetence, Monroe basically takes the reigns on ALL FRONTS. He doesn't eat or sleep and works his ass off commanding the army. JQA facilitates and treaty and the war is over. None of our demands were met, so hey! Completely pointless war!

The great thing though, is Monroe emerges as a political leader and is basically handed the presidency.

OMG I HAVE BEEN WRITING FOR OVER AN HOUR AND HE IS STILL NOT PRESIDENT YET.

Monroe basically models his presidency off of Gdubs and ushers in the "Era of Good Feelings." He wants to abolish political parties and fill his cabinet with people from all regions that will be his voice of reason throughout his term. Not only did he do that, but he also continued to expand the U.S. borders with acquisitions of Florida and west to the Pacific Ocean and completely getting rid of the debt. There was a small recession in 1819, but the only people that were fucked were the bankers and swindlers (same thing, am I right?).

My one other beef with Monroe was his handling of slavery. While he wasn't as bad as TJ or Madison, blaming the Brits for slavery, he mostly tried to stay out of it. He was a slave owner, but didn't feel that it was right in a moral sense. However, he didn't actively fight it because he didn't feel like the constitution gave him the power to do so. (HOWEVER HOWEVER, this never stopped him before...) Basically he was a giant pussy that wasn't sure how to solve the problem so he left it alone. He did issue the Missouri Compromise which didn't allow slavery in the north, so there's always that?

The biggest thing that Monroe is known for is his doctrine. After other countries like Mexico and Colombia fought for their independence, the U.S. felt it was important to state their place in the world. They were basically like, if you fuck with us, we'll fuck with you back, but if you leave us alone, we're all good, bro. This shit is STILL used today, for good or bad. Talk about a lasting legacy.

So, after all this, Monroe basically fucks over himself by uniting all the people and getting rid of the political parties. Back in the day, people hated each other because they had different ideals. Now they hate each other because of their shitty personalities. All the people in his cabinet fought to get out on top, that they didn't give a shit about helping Monroe. They all turned against him and each other and made him a lame duck president towards the end. In probably one of the most contentious elections, Monroe refused to throw his hat into the race, because he didn't want to persuade for one candidate or the other because he didn't think that was in his power. Jackson won the most votes in both the Electoral College and the popular vote, but because he didn't get a majority, it went to the house and JQA was picked as the sixth president.

After his two terms,  he basically just hung around estate and refused to be involved in politics, particularly due to his crippling debt. He tried to get the government to pay him back but they were dicks about it. Towards the end of his life, his wife died and he lost his shit, hoping to die immediately after, burned all traces of her. Dude died a while later on JULY 4TH! HE WAS THE THIRD PRESIDENT TO DO SO. I'm starting to think assisted suicide was legal back in the day.


So, basically Monroe was awesome as fuck. He did a shit ton in his life, always sacrificing his wellbeing for that of his country. He worked hard overseas to get us in the position we are today. He was a powerful, just leader, but able to work within peaceful parameters when necessary. He created positions for our country that we still believe in today, and he did so without building animosity between parties. Unfortunately, his successors undermined his national unity and submerged us in a civil war, but his  doctrine is still used today whenever and wherever American interests seem threatened, and that is cool as fuck.

Oh! One other thing I need to talk about and then I SWEAR TO GOD I AM DONE. Mrs. Monroe was cool as fuck. While she as basically a child bride, she was SO FUCKING SMART. Unlike most women of the time, she was super educated and hated talking with other women because they were such fucking dumb dumbs. Monroe always struggled with the ladies because he just walked to talk shop, but this bitch was ALL ABOUT IT. They had a couple daughters and the whole family was OBSESSED WITH ONE ANOTHER. They didn't go anywhere alone and just wanted to hang out all the time. I loved that because it reminded me of my own family. Also, Elizabeth went to the jail BY HERSELF to bust Lafayette's wife out, that is some cool ass shit.

 So.... I think we can safely say that Monroe has take the lead in my ULTIMATE PRESIDENT SHOWDOWN. But let's talk about book ratings first.

Would I talk about this book while drunk? Well, I spent the past week talking to my parents about it. It was all, Monroe this, Monroe that. And evidenced by this DBR, I had a lot of shit to say.

Would I recommend this book while drunk? Fuck yeah. Unger is the shit. He has a very conversational tone so the book was super captivating and I blew through it. I immediately looked up to see if he had written any other PB because I was super impressed.

Alright, let's finish this up with some power rankings:

1. MONROE: While I still don't love that he owned slaves, he made no excuses for his abhorrent behavior like SOME OTHER JACKHOLES. Also, he did the most to push our country to greatness, which I really respect. Not only was he a leader in the army, but he also worked well with other countries to further our domestic policy. He seemed like a smart, fiery Scot and I'm happy to have had him as a president.

2. John Adams: I think you had so much potential and I love your accountability, but I'm sorry, you're number two.

3. G DUBS: A mediocre spot for a mediocre president.

4. Madison: Although Lynne Chenney made it seem like you were one BAMF, Unger made it seem like you were a sickly dumbass. (I'm starting to realize that you might have to take each biography with a grain of salt. When you're obsessed with a President and decide to devote a few years to him, you may rewrite history in his favor.) But, you did the best with what you got. 

5. TJ: Last but not least out of all 45. You'll at least have Trump behind you.


ADIOS MUCHAHOS. SEE YOU FOR FOUR YEARS OF JQA!

VEGETABLES!!!!!! MARTHA!!! WOOOO!!!

Dear Readers!

I am whaaaaasted. We're here to discuss some cooking.

So, I got a new blogging for books book, Vegetables by my main bitch, Martha Stewart. Anne came over and we picked a few things to cook. I had marked like 100 things and we narrowed it down to four. Once we went to the store and we realized they had mussels we narrowed it down to three things: Mussels, risotto, and some kind of veggie skillet.

Shopping was annoying because we spent eternity there. Finally we got all our ingredients and went home. I was in charge of the risotto and mussels. Anne was in charge of the skillet. The hardest part of this dinner was pulling the beards from the mussels. Neither of us were sure this was a thing, but we did it. Then it was chopping time. Otherwise we just stirred for the rest of our lives. Risotto is like chopping one time and stirring for all of time.

Once we sat down to eat it was like, we were gods. We killed the TWO POUNDS of mussels and then we devoured the rest of the food in short order. It was amazing after the hours we spent in the kitchen.

Most of the food we made was very delicious. And a lot of it I'd make again. The skillet with the corn, tomatoes, and edammame is amazing, very flavorful. The risotto is great, but too much of a pain in the ass to ever make again. And the mussels are a very basic to make again and again.

One hilarious thing about this book is that most of the recipes, and especially the ones that looked great, are not hugely vegetable based. Like, the main dish, the veggie was shallots, but it was mostly just a pound of pasta. And in the risotto (THE RISI E BISI), the veggie was peas.

I also loved that this book was very beautiful. It was photographed very well.

So would I talk about this book while drunk? Well, if i could form the words, which I'm struggling for to write about this book, yeah, but I just feel like I'm being pressured.

So would I recommend this book while drunk? Sure. It's a beautiful cookbook with a cook nearby that offers the same thing.

................


It's a good thing I'm still fucked up this morning That was such a shitty book review. LIKE WHAT EVEN IS MY LAST POINT THERE?!?!?? That's not even english. Readers, this was an AWESOME book. I am so happy I got this and I feel like I'm going to be cooking out of this thing for the rest of my life. Everything we made was AH-MAZING. I think it's the best cookbook I've received.

The two person dinner party was also a blast. Shopping was terrible, but the cooking was fun. We listened to music and drank wine and stirred forever. We ate A LOT really quickly, so then it was just us sitting there saying, "I loved all of this food." over and over again.

Most of the recipes were really easy. The combination of skit in the skillet was really interesting. It's not something I'd ever think to throw together, but it was delicious. The risotto was good, but I'm no John Podesta, I don't have that kind of time to spend on a side dish.

I will say, this was not the book I was expecting. I thought a lot of them would be side dishes, but I think for the most part it has recipes for whole meals. Some are a stretch for vegetable recipes, like the mussels, but I think it's a really well rounded cookbook. There's like a hundred other things from this book that I want to make.

YAYYY!!!! PICTURES!!!

       
              

PUNDERDOME!

Hello, readers!

We're here to discuss not a book, but a GAME! How contrary to what this whole blog is about.

So, I received this game* Punderdome recently and have played a handful of times. Once with friends (well, coworkers) and once with family. I'd like say it went well, but that's a lie.

The premise of the game is that there are two cards with words on them and you have to come up with a pun that combines the two words. Say the two words are Books and Wine. A good pun would be... (20 minutes later), "Jonathan FRANZIA is my favorite author." Poor example, but you get the idea.

The first time I played this game was with the crew at work. It definitely was a bigger success than playing with my family. Everyone seems to enjoy the IDEA of the game, but people seemed to struggle at first with actually playing. One dude, in particular, who is super ESL just like, refused to write anything down. The one time he did, it was actually pure comedic gold. I think the big issue with this game is people let their brains get in the way and get too nervous to try.

BUT! Once everyone got into it, it was a lot of fun. This one girl, she would write like NOVELS of puns that were really hilarious and inventive. Overall there were some really good puns. There was one about sports and breakfast that for the life of me, I can't remember, but we were all crying laughing in the moment.

The second time I played Punderdome was with family. I was super excited to play with the fam, because my dad is like the PUN MASTER, much like most dads. I figured my brothers were clever enough that they would enjoy it and it would be super fun to sit around and get hammered and play this game. Well, no one wanted to try AT ALL. It was my brother, my sister in law, my brother in law, a couple nieces, my mother and myself. My brother kept writing "poop" down. Seriously, just the word poop. One of my nieces complained so much that at one point I said, "We played your stupid game (Apples to Apples), now it's YOUR TURN TO PLAY MINE." My brother in law just kept writing down hipster shit. My dad just acted like he had never heard a pun before in his life. MY MOM was the ONLY person to take this shit seriously.

Some background, my mom HATES games where you have to do something or need a brain. She loves games of chance like Uno or Yahtzee and hates every game I love like Scattegories, Cranium, Scribblish, Balderdash, etc. My mom was SUPER into this game. I don't know if it's the wine talking, but she came up with a ton (two) of hilarious puns. School and Medicine? "High School." Emotions and Fashion? "Bawl gown." Those are the best puns I've ever heard in my life. A PLUS MOM!

So, like, clearly this game is all about who you play with. If people have a great attitude going in, it's going to be so much fun you pee your pants. People complain constantly? You're going to want to pistol whip them.

So would I talk/recommend this GAME while drunk? Yeah, I wish I had more friends and I would probably play this game all the time. I'm constantly telling people about it and playing by myself in my head. My head puns are KILLER.

Here is a photo of the time we played at work:





SHAQUILLE O'MEAL!!!! THAT WAS THE BRILLIANT PUN! I KNEW IT WOULD COME TO ME!

Goodnight, homies.



* I have received this copy of Punderdome from Blogging for Books.

James Madison: The Thinking Man's Jefferson

Hey all,

Let's chat about our fourth president, James Madison.

Madison is an alright dude. He's not my favorite of the founder fathers (Hello, John Adams), but he's not the most scumbag either (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Thomas Jefferson.) He's mostly overlooked as some sickly dude, but he accomplished a fuck ton in his life.

Madison came from a decently wealthy family in Virginia. His dad sent him to the super prestigious Princeton for college. However, after Madison blew through the money, his dad told him he couldn't afford to subsidize his life much longer. Madison busted his ass and finished his program in 3 years, but sacrificed his health in the process.

See, Madison had a problem with seizures. He didn't understand why they happened, but when he wasn't taking care of himself, they seemed to pop up. After he basically killed himself to graduate in a shorter time period, he was bedridden for a few years. During this time he read a shit ton about how seizures were the cause of the devil and this affected him for the rest of his life.

Soon after, the Revolutionary War was happening. Madison wanted to join the army, but was afraid that his "sickness" would lead him to hurt himself or others, so he stayed behind and studied everything he could about democracy.

Once the U.S. was on track to become its own nation, Madison was there to draft the constitution. Basically ALL of the good ideas came from him. He would fight people tooth and nail on what he believed was right for the country. It was really remarkable.

He also was responsible for the Bill of Rights. People were so worried about the constitution not covering people's basic rights, that he set out to create a document that did. While, I kind of blame him for this whole bullshit with the second amendment obsession, it's kind of cool he helped reserve people's rights. And what's super cool about the Bill of Rights is how his own experience factored in to it. Madison was super for freedom of religion because of his seizure problems. See, back then (MUCH LIKE NOW), they didn't really understand/believe in science. So, all these Catholic fucks thought that seizures meant you were possessed by the devil. Madison knew this wasn't true and spent his life protecting people from religious persecution (A+!)

Madison was basically the dude behind the scenes throughout his whole life until he became president. He was one of Washington's trusted advisors. Hell, he even wrote Washington's inaugural address. He served in Congress. He also wrote anonymously for the Federalist, especially about John Adams and his abuse of power, and he strived to get TJ elected. He fought against any infringement on what the constitution meant, he dedicated his whole life to protecting it! He also INVENTED the first political party, which completely transformed U.S. politics into what it is today.

He was also the guy behind the scenes of TJ'S presidency. Thomas Jeffesrson was a phony, basically when people think of him, they're ACTUALLY thinking about Madison. They're just too dumb to realize it. Madison was his Secretary of State and responsible for the Louisiana Purchase, something he felt super strongly about since the U.S. was formed. Once T.J. gave up,  Madison took over and made sure the administration ran smoothly.

Madison, because of his seizures, never thought that he could be President. He was super embarrassed by them. He also thought he could never have kids. It's why he and Dolley, whom he loved so so much, never had kids. TJ basically forced him into running for President though. It's basically the only good thing that bastard ever did.

Madison was elected President basically during war time. He did everything he could to keep the U.S. from its first war; imposing sanctions, sending diplomats, mediating relations between France and Great Britian, but regardless of his attempts, he was forced to lead the nation during the War of 1812. This basically was his entire administration. (Or at least according to Lynn Cheney, she didn't focus on anything else.) Madison held his ground and refused to concede to either France or Great Britian, despite what many in the country wanted. He knew that this war could prove the strength and power of this new country. Were we to fold to either country, we would never be respected as a world power. But if we were to succeed, no one could fuck with us. One of the saddest things was that he had to deal with the capital being burnt because he had some fucktards in his administration, but overall he was an intelligent, capable wartime president.

After his presidency, Madison returned to Virginia and just like, hung out and wrote letters to people. He was involved, with Jefferson, in the founding of the University of Virginia. He also was really focused on making sure his farm was in order. He stayed interested and involved in politics, sharing his opinion whenever necessary.

Oh, it'd be a shame not to talk about Dolley Madison. While she wasn't a ride or die bitch like Abagail, she seemed cool as fuck. People talked shit about her and slut shamed her, but she didn't care. And, she LOVED James. She hated being away from him, she cared for him during his frequent seizures, and she entertained for him. I wish that she was smarter or more involved in politics, but you can't win em all.

Now, reading all of this, you might wonder, why don't I think highly of Madison? Well, if you read Cheney's book, you might think he's the best of our founding fathers. However, she basically skips over such a MASSIVE part of Madison's life. Madison was from the south, and his whole life, he was a slave owner. And he made no apologies for this. He was of the mindset that the southern economy would collapse without slaves, and so he felt there was no way it could become abolished. Even after his presidency, when the country was discussing ending slavery, this fucking idiot was writing dissertations about how it was impossible to do so, how it would destroy the south and the slaves would never forgive white people. That while it was morally reprehensible, we'd just have to "deal with it." I'm sorry, but FUCK YOU JAMES MADISON. Just because it's HARD for you, doesn't make it right. And also, FUCK YOU LYNNE CHENEY, you can't skip over this fact just because you have a big boner for Madison.

I get it. When you choose to write a 500+ book about a person, you obviously have some bias. But you cCANNOT skip over a major point in history just because it reflects the person you revere in a bad light. Hell, Ellis, who had a massive hard on for TJ, still wrote about his relationship with slavery. He just tried to mansplain that TJ was deep-down against it. But he didn't refuse to acknowledge its existence. I get it, it's ugly. But come on now. It happened. You can't ignore it. (I guess you take after your husband on that front.)

So, I mean, Madison was alright. He's no Barack Obama, but he definitely was a smart ass dude. I feel like when people talk about what a wonderful president Thomas Jefferson was, they really are talking about James Madison. James Madison was behind every great moment in the founding of our country, and any good thing that came out of Thomas Jefferson's presidency. TJ was just a ginger moron with tons of debt that raped his slaves and lied about it. Madison was a brilliant writer, leader, and planner. (Alright, Cheney, I get your bias.)

Would I recommend this book while drunk? No. Lynne Cheney is a terrible writer. This book took me SO LONG to finish, not because I wasn't interested in Madison, but because the style was atrocious. The entire book was just quotes from letters or documents from Madison's life, with very basic introductions by Cheney. I'm sorry, but you quoting shit at me is not you writing a book. And also the fact that she skipped over slavery is unforgivable. There are not a lot of books about Madison, and I made the mistake of trusting The New York Times about this one, but there's got to be a better book about him than this one.

Would I talk about this book while drunk? Yeah. I find that regardless of how the book or president was, I talk about it A LOT. Especially while drunk. Even to myself.

So friends. I think we're at the point that we can rate the presidents in order of their greatness:

1. John Adams (Yeah, I know, the Alien and Sedition acts were super shameful, especially reading about them from other biographer's POVs, but the guy was smart and only had the country's best interest at heart. And he was SURROUNDED BY DOUCHEBAGS.)

2. George Washington (He's been growing on me. Or it could be that he's better than the other half.)

3. James Madison (If only you had freed your slaves, I'd only have eyes for you.)

4. Thomas Jefferson (You're a scumbag and you know it. But! Good news, at least soon you'll be ahead of Andrew Jackson. I literally cannot imagine him being a better President than you.)

AU REVIOR FUCKERS!