GOOD EVENING, DEAR READERS!!!
The time is finally upon us to discuss our 6th President, John Quincy Adams. I finished this book a few months ago, but life has been hell and I haven't really had time time to get hammered and write about a book... UNTIL NOW!! Soon, I'll have a lot more time to do this!!!!
So... JQA... I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS.
When I started reading this book, I was NOT. A FAN. I think at one point in the beginning, I even drew a fucking eye roll emoji into the margins of the book. BUT, by the end, I became ENAMORED of JQA and in turn, have not stopped fucking talking about him.
JQA, as we all know, was the son of our second president, John Adams. He was basically groomed to be a great man from the time he was a kid. His father was obvi SUPER busy and so his mother took a huge interest in his education. At one point, she noticed he was lazy and not reading and so she pretended her eyes hurt and made him read to her. BALLER MOVE. She also convinced him to start his diary which he continued throughout his whole life, which was a major asset to our history books. Abagail Adams, once again, proving to be a ride or die bitch.
JQAs early years are the ones I have the most trouble with. I mean, he had a cool ass life, he traveled with his dad to Europe and became an assistant and translator for the Russian minister at fucking FIFTEEN. I was probably still playing with Barbies at fifteen. I didn't speak 200 languages and get a fucking full time job overseas. Not that he really did anything, except read and write in his diary. (SAME.) And then he slowly made his way back, partying and fucking across Europe. But I digress. My issues with him were AFTER these years. Once he returned to the good old US of A, he had his heart set on Harvard. He was basically US royalty because of his dad, but the dean told him to fuck off. AND OMG, WHAT A FUCKING TRAVESTY. POOR LITTLE WHITE BOY CAN'T GO TO HARVARD. The author of this biography literally says that this set him on a path to ALWAYS fight against what's wrong. I believe this is where I drew the eye roll emoji. After a year, he's allowed in and complains that he's smarter than everyone and fucks around.
At this point, I just couldn't. I was like fucking JQA, man, what a privileged little fuck face. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ENTITLED WHITE MEN. And for a while, he doesn't get any better. He starts a law firm and is all pissed that clients just aren't THROWING themselves at him because his dad is veep. He basically spends his time writing articles about current events.
This impresses Washington and he's appointed to minister to Holland, where he became one of America's best resources for intelligence. He helped set up the Jay Treaty and secured good relations with Britain. BUT he was worried about his job if his father became Washington's successor. Even though France tried to swing the election in TJ's favor (HELLO CORRELATION!), Adams won the presidency and let JQA keep his job.
During all of this he meets his wife, Louisa. And another moment of me wanting to strangle a white man, these words are literally put into print. Louisa was "silent when she needed to be but a good conversationalist when appropriate." GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. I hope this meant she talked constantly and told every man ever to fuck off.
There's also this story where one of the ladies in Germany gave her makeup and she put it on and JQA FLIPPED HIS FUCKING SHIT and forced her to wipe it off and in my notes I wrote "Nevertheless, she persisted." because after several attempts, she wore the shit out of that makeup.
So yeah, at this point, I'm even wondering how I grew to like this asshole. At this point he sounds like some goddamned Bernie bro.
So after his dad lost to TJ, he went back to "TRYING" to be a lawyer. Finally he gave up and decided to run for congress. During his time there he worked hard to get rid of corruption so much that everyone hated him and wanted rid of him. SO, they nominated him for the US Senate. There he made TONS OF FRIENDS. JK LOL. He pissed everyone off there too. Republicans and Federalists could agree on one thing, JQA WAS A FUCKER. He fought everyone on EVERYTHING. No one wanted the Louisiana Purchase, knowing it would stir the shit on the slavery issue. Who pushed a vote? JQA. He even fucking fought his colleagues on wearing signs of mourning. He was referred to as being of "chronic malcontent" read: a dickhead.
Don't get me wrong, he had some achievements in the Senate. He refused to cede 150 miles to Canada and because of that, WE HAVE THE PUGENT SOUND!!!!! WHAT WHAT!!!! He also defended the 1st amendment when that fucker TJ tried to jail a SC justice for having a different opinion than his.
But his Senate career fell to shit when his Non Importation Act passed and shut off trade with Britain and decimated the economy. Again, he went back to "focusing on his law practice." Does his story end here? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T.
He became a minister to Russia under Madison and he was nominated to be on the Supreme Court (he declined). AND JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS MAN ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO BEING PRESIDENT YET. I NEED ANOTHER WINE.
Okay, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, yeah. So he was a diplomat during the War of 1812, but didn't really have a lot to do. Once that was over, he was appointed a position in London and helped establish peace and favorable trade relations with Britain.
Monroe then appointed him Secretary of State, which back in the day was a big fucking deal. It was considered the "ladder to the presidency." (OH GOD, HOW I WISH THAT WERE STILL TRUE. INSTEAD, THE FUCKING APPRENTICE IS. [I need to be careful what I say. I'm pretty sure they're about to Handmaid's Tale the shit out of America {I just finished that book two hours ago and it scared the shit out of me.}.]) Monroe and JQA worked really well together, and Monroe hoped that JQA would succeed him. But JQA, ALL HIGH AND FUCKING MIGHTY felt that the people should pick the president, not him, so he refused to campaign. This came back to royally bite him in the ass.
During all this time, shit went DOWN with slavery. Spain ceded Florida to the US and with it came the question of whether slavery should be allowed there. JQA was a constitutional law expert (much like any fucking GOPer claims to be these days) and he said that we couldn't abolish it without an amendment, but we could prevent it in new states. While flawed, thus was born the Missouri Compromise.
Jesus Christ, I know, this review is ENDLESS, and he ISN'T EVEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT YET. But believe me, the Presidency will take up like, one paragraph.
Monroe won re-election almost unanimously. (People didn't want him to win unanimously, they wanted that honor to only be give ton GDUBS, so someone voted for JQA), but his second term was a wash because he was so concerned with maintaining the "Era of Good Feeling."
Now it's time for the big election! JQA vs. Jackson (vs. Clay vs. 10 million other people). Jackson won the popular vote, but no one got that GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT ELECTORAL COLLEGE. It came down to the House. Clay and Crawford conspired to get JQA elected because they were pretty sure Jackson couldn't even spell his own name. (God, how I wish that's how this past election would have gone. Instead of Trump [who I guess we know can spell his own name cause he fucking writes it on everything, but probably can't spell anything else.]. I wish that those fuckers would have chosen country over party, but as the Monty Python boys always say, "Let's not bicker over who killed who.") Predictably, this did not go over well. Jackson threw a hissy fit and formed a political party who's sole purpose was to prevent JQA from doing anything while president, which, SPOILER ALERT, they succeeded at.
Literally, homeboy spent 4 years reading and writing in his diary. There was this one story about how he went swimming and almost drowned and someone had to save him and pulled him ashore naked and it was SO EMBARRASSING. He also signed this terrible tariff into law, and everyone in the south hated him.
But really, basically EVERYONE hated him. He was "an elite." People were all pissed that a Harvard educated man would tell them how to improve their lives. THEY DIDN'T WANT TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES. (God, there are so many goddamned correlations to HRC, that it fucking pains me to write this. I HAVE PTSD. I need more wine.)
So, he lost reelection, and returned home. He was elected to congress almost unanimously. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS GOOD. I don't know where this JQA was when he was President, but baby, he was a firework. He decided that, fuck it, he was gonna take on BIG SLAVERY and win. He did everything he could to bring the issue of slavery up in the House. Oh, you're gonna put me on the manufacturing committee? Let me find a fucking obscure way to tie slavery to machinery. Oh, you're gonna issue a gag order? Let me bring some mother fucking women in here to "pray" against slavery. Oh, you're gonna censure me? BISH, I DON'T CARE. He literally took EVERY fucking opportunity to try to abolish slavery. And everyone hated him for it.
(Some other notable shit during this time: he was also the lawyer for the free Africans that were kidnapped aboard the Amistad. He won that trial for them. He was also an advocate for FUCKING SCIENCE. He got the Smithsonian and observatories around America built. He also was the first President to sit for a photograph.)
Back to his fight against slavery. He put in a petition for the North to secede and everyone fucking flipped shit. His argument would end up serving as the basis for the Emancipation fucking Proclamation. At this point, he was even more popular than the President. Dude, even fucking LINCOLN is because of this dude. He was a junior congressman during this time and was inspired by all his ranting and raving. WHERE WAS THIS GUY DURING HIS PRESIDENCY?!?!?
AND THEN, OMG, GUYS, THIS IS THE BEST FUCKING PART. So, Texas annexed from Mexico, tried to join the US and it started a war with Mexico and Britain. JQA has been warning against this shit for years. After years of war, it was finally over, and there was a vote on the floor to thank the generals for their victory. Everyone voted yes. EXCEPT FUCKING JOHN. QUINCY. ADAMS. And as he shouts "NAY," HE FUCKING COLLAPSES AND DIES. THIS GUY WAS SO BADASS THAT HE LITERALLY VOTED AGAINST SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE WAS FOR WITH HIS DYING BREATH. I CAN'T EVEN.
And man, the nation MOURNED. They mourned harder than they did when GDUBS, MISTER FUCKING AMERICA, died. People had finally realized what a stand up dude he was and were sad to lose him as protector of their rights.
Isn't this story incredible?????!??! It starts with some fucking bro that just like, rides on his dad's coat tails and ends up with the guy that basically ended slavery. Well, he started to end slavery. He had mother fucking convictions and he impressed the shit out of me.
(Side note, this is so badly what I want for HRC right now. I know that most people think that after you try for President, it's beneath you to be anything else. But JQA served fucking 18 years as a congressman after being a President, and I would argue that it was the most impressive moments of his life. I'd love to see her destroy on the floor of the House, not giving a fuck, fighting for what's right, and then getting the respect she deserves. But, I digress.)
Let's get down to brass tacks since I've been literally typing for over an hour and I'm much drunker now than when I started. Obviously, I've been talking about this a lot when drunk. I recently went to dinner with friends and spent the entire time talking about JQA. And yes, I'd recommend this book. Unger is a pro, even if his thoughts on women are borderline eye roll.
Now onto Presidential Power Rankings. I'm unsure how to play this. So like, JQA was a shit president. He literally didn't do anything besides write in his diary and almost drown. BUT, after his presidency, he was FUCKING AWESOME. Way more impressive than any of the dopes that came before him. And when I look at the power rankings thus far, I feel way more strongly about him than any of the other top contenders. SO....
1. JQA - While he didn't do anything as President, he's the most impressive man thus far. And if anyone wants to argue this, I have a "DIED VOTING HIS CONSCIOUS" card I can play.
2. Monroe - Still stands up as a good dude.
3. John Adams - JQA Lite. Same Convictions, Less Calories.
4. GDUBS - We'll always have the curtains at Mount Vernon.
5. Madison - Hey, at least you're not Thomas Jefferson.
6. TJ - Listen dude, this is the last time I rank you last. Jackson is up next.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Monday, January 2, 2017
James Monroe: My New Favorite Founding Father
HEEEY GUYYYYS!!!!
I'm coming off of a week long vacation full of wine and books. The first book I tackled during this trip was about our FIFTH PRESIDENT: James Monroe. Of all of the Presidential biographies I've read so far, this dude is by far my favorite. I was crazy captivated about his life, super into the book, rooting for him his whole life, and wishing for more once it was done. I'm even going to buy JQA by the same author because it was so great. So moral of the story: James Monroe - HECK YES!!
So, let's talk about his life. He was born during the French Indian war (which, Unger mentions GDubs started, I already like this guy!). His parents died within a year of one another when he was super young and he was forced to be the man of the house and care for his siblings. (This reminds me of how my dad grew up, so I already have a soft spot for him). He worked hard but had this uncle that was super invested in his development. This dude paid for his college and was v. well connected.
During college, all the shit with the Revolutionary war went down and Monroe went NUTS. He had all that Scottish fire in his blood and was ready to throw down for his country. He ended up dropping out and joining the army, only to get wounded in battle and almost die. He was promoted but couldn't raise troops so had to drop out of serving his country. His uncle convinced him to go back to law school and work for his country on the other side. He interned for TJ and they became BFFAFAFAFAF.
Monroe serves on Congress and becomes a voice for the country. He's never scared to voice his REAL OPINION and throw down when he needs to. The country was kind of a mess and had no way of creating new laws and he was insistent on creating some kind of federal power to protect interests of the country.
One of my major gripes with this dude is how often he got pissed off with government. He'd notice he wasn't making a giant profit (OH HOW DIFFERENT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WERE FROM THESE ASSHATS WE HAVE IN OFFICE NOW) and bail on government. He'd be all like, "Bros, I gotta quit. I'm gonna go open my law firm." ten hundred times during his career.
But like, he was way too invested. After quitting and Jay blowing up shit with with the Spaniards and the Mississippi river, Monroe got back into the game and fought with his other bros over the constitution. Although he was a Republican, he favored strong central government like a Federalist. It's not that he was like TJ that went wherever the more favorable win blew, but he was open to other's ideas and if someone could convince him his point of view was wrong, he'd concede. MAJOR PROPS to that shit.
He was also in the Senate for a while after the country was formed. Monroe was all about making sure the government was FOR THE PEOPLE. He was super against secrecy rules for voting because he wanted to make sure that the government represented the people.
Monroe was given position as ambassador to France. His rules were to stay neutral but show a preference to France. This was all during the French Revolution which was basically like a giant world war in Europe. Britain and France were taking our ships hostage and imposing a crazy amount of sanctions. Jay was in charge of dealing with the British, but SURPRISE SURPRISE he fucked that up to. France got all pissed off and Monroe was recalled. The country is all up in arms in partisan rancor and Monroe, unable to get reasoning for his being recalled, publishes some SHIT in the papers about his appointment. He's all, "fuck you guys, I did my job and I'll prove it." I love this Scottish asshole!
After all this garbage, Monroe was elected to governor of Virginia. At the time this meant LITERALLY NOTHING. It was basically like shaking hands and kissing babies (gross). But Monroe transitioned this position into what it is today. At first, he used his position of power to speak to issues he felt strongly about. He was super well known and super liked so he was able to get his platform addressed, even though he couldn't vote.
TJ asked him again to deal with France to make the Louisiana Purchase happen and although he was poor as fuck, he said yes. Monroe was ALL ABOUT expanding the west, and he worked super hard in securing this deal with the French. Livingston, the other dude helping, got all pissed off that Monroe got all the credit for the deal. But dude, credit due where credit due. His daughter was friend's with Napoleon's main bitch's daughter and so Napoleon was all about dealing with Monroe. He also basically ignored TJ's price range and got MORE land for more money, but it was super good deal, like less than $2 an acre. So this made Monroe all happy because, last mission to France he was shit on for following orders and someone else ruining his deal. This time he was all, "FUCK YOU, I DO WHAT I WANT." and basically doubled the U.S. and expanded so many industries with this new land. HELLO, JOB CREATOR. (Side note: like the fuck head he is, TJ almost ruined the LP because he wasn't sure the constitution granted him that power. Thank you, Monroe for making sure this happened.)
So, after all this success, TJ sends Monroe to Britain to see if he can work his magic and get the Brits to stop fucking us over with interment for our troops and tons of trade sanctions. Monroe is miserable as fuck, not to mention poor as dirt, but he does it because he is the shit. He has a hard time, is undermined by the President but FINALLY gets a treaty, but TJ ignores it because he's a joke. See, he has all these ideas about Madison succeeding him instead of Monroe, so he fucks over his friend. He's all, fuck you guys, I'm going home. He gives up and just works on his farm for a few years.
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS ALL BEFORE THIS DUDE IS EVEN PRESIDENT! While, I like Madison because he has a good brain, he was a shit leader. He's definitely the dude behind the scenes. Hella good speech writer, dude should write laws, but leader of the free world, no way. MONROE HAS UPPER MANAGEMENT WRITTEN ALLLLLLLL OVER HIM. He is a leader in every sense of the word.
So back to Monroe's life: Madison is falling apart and having a hard go of it in the Presidency and need Monroe's help. See, dickhead appointed all friends to positions in his cabinet, not people that actually knew what they were doing (dear god, please hold on during 2017, U.S.). After two years of not speaking, Madison BEGS his friend to come on as Secretary of State. Relations with the Brits and the French are deteriorating, but Monroe is able to work with the French. Unable to reach a good place with the Brits, war is declared and HELLO war of 1812. This is a total shit show. Madison tries to make Monroe Secretary of War too, but the people are all HELL NO and Amstrong is put in place. Bitch SUCKS at his job and shit all falls apart because he can't pay attention or listen to others. After Washington burns do to his incompetence, Monroe basically takes the reigns on ALL FRONTS. He doesn't eat or sleep and works his ass off commanding the army. JQA facilitates and treaty and the war is over. None of our demands were met, so hey! Completely pointless war!
The great thing though, is Monroe emerges as a political leader and is basically handed the presidency.
OMG I HAVE BEEN WRITING FOR OVER AN HOUR AND HE IS STILL NOT PRESIDENT YET.
Monroe basically models his presidency off of Gdubs and ushers in the "Era of Good Feelings." He wants to abolish political parties and fill his cabinet with people from all regions that will be his voice of reason throughout his term. Not only did he do that, but he also continued to expand the U.S. borders with acquisitions of Florida and west to the Pacific Ocean and completely getting rid of the debt. There was a small recession in 1819, but the only people that were fucked were the bankers and swindlers (same thing, am I right?).
My one other beef with Monroe was his handling of slavery. While he wasn't as bad as TJ or Madison, blaming the Brits for slavery, he mostly tried to stay out of it. He was a slave owner, but didn't feel that it was right in a moral sense. However, he didn't actively fight it because he didn't feel like the constitution gave him the power to do so. (HOWEVER HOWEVER, this never stopped him before...) Basically he was a giant pussy that wasn't sure how to solve the problem so he left it alone. He did issue the Missouri Compromise which didn't allow slavery in the north, so there's always that?
The biggest thing that Monroe is known for is his doctrine. After other countries like Mexico and Colombia fought for their independence, the U.S. felt it was important to state their place in the world. They were basically like, if you fuck with us, we'll fuck with you back, but if you leave us alone, we're all good, bro. This shit is STILL used today, for good or bad. Talk about a lasting legacy.
So, after all this, Monroe basically fucks over himself by uniting all the people and getting rid of the political parties. Back in the day, people hated each other because they had different ideals. Now they hate each other because of their shitty personalities. All the people in his cabinet fought to get out on top, that they didn't give a shit about helping Monroe. They all turned against him and each other and made him a lame duck president towards the end. In probably one of the most contentious elections, Monroe refused to throw his hat into the race, because he didn't want to persuade for one candidate or the other because he didn't think that was in his power. Jackson won the most votes in both the Electoral College and the popular vote, but because he didn't get a majority, it went to the house and JQA was picked as the sixth president.
After his two terms, he basically just hung around estate and refused to be involved in politics, particularly due to his crippling debt. He tried to get the government to pay him back but they were dicks about it. Towards the end of his life, his wife died and he lost his shit, hoping to die immediately after, burned all traces of her. Dude died a while later on JULY 4TH! HE WAS THE THIRD PRESIDENT TO DO SO. I'm starting to think assisted suicide was legal back in the day.
So, basically Monroe was awesome as fuck. He did a shit ton in his life, always sacrificing his wellbeing for that of his country. He worked hard overseas to get us in the position we are today. He was a powerful, just leader, but able to work within peaceful parameters when necessary. He created positions for our country that we still believe in today, and he did so without building animosity between parties. Unfortunately, his successors undermined his national unity and submerged us in a civil war, but his doctrine is still used today whenever and wherever American interests seem threatened, and that is cool as fuck.
Oh! One other thing I need to talk about and then I SWEAR TO GOD I AM DONE. Mrs. Monroe was cool as fuck. While she as basically a child bride, she was SO FUCKING SMART. Unlike most women of the time, she was super educated and hated talking with other women because they were such fucking dumb dumbs. Monroe always struggled with the ladies because he just walked to talk shop, but this bitch was ALL ABOUT IT. They had a couple daughters and the whole family was OBSESSED WITH ONE ANOTHER. They didn't go anywhere alone and just wanted to hang out all the time. I loved that because it reminded me of my own family. Also, Elizabeth went to the jail BY HERSELF to bust Lafayette's wife out, that is some cool ass shit.
So.... I think we can safely say that Monroe has take the lead in my ULTIMATE PRESIDENT SHOWDOWN. But let's talk about book ratings first.
Would I talk about this book while drunk? Well, I spent the past week talking to my parents about it. It was all, Monroe this, Monroe that. And evidenced by this DBR, I had a lot of shit to say.
Would I recommend this book while drunk? Fuck yeah. Unger is the shit. He has a very conversational tone so the book was super captivating and I blew through it. I immediately looked up to see if he had written any other PB because I was super impressed.
Alright, let's finish this up with some power rankings:
1. MONROE: While I still don't love that he owned slaves, he made no excuses for his abhorrent behavior like SOME OTHER JACKHOLES. Also, he did the most to push our country to greatness, which I really respect. Not only was he a leader in the army, but he also worked well with other countries to further our domestic policy. He seemed like a smart, fiery Scot and I'm happy to have had him as a president.
2. John Adams: I think you had so much potential and I love your accountability, but I'm sorry, you're number two.
3. G DUBS: A mediocre spot for a mediocre president.
4. Madison: Although Lynne Chenney made it seem like you were one BAMF, Unger made it seem like you were a sickly dumbass. (I'm starting to realize that you might have to take each biography with a grain of salt. When you're obsessed with a President and decide to devote a few years to him, you may rewrite history in his favor.) But, you did the best with what you got.
5. TJ: Last but not least out of all 45. You'll at least have Trump behind you.
ADIOS MUCHAHOS. SEE YOU FOR FOUR YEARS OF JQA!
I'm coming off of a week long vacation full of wine and books. The first book I tackled during this trip was about our FIFTH PRESIDENT: James Monroe. Of all of the Presidential biographies I've read so far, this dude is by far my favorite. I was crazy captivated about his life, super into the book, rooting for him his whole life, and wishing for more once it was done. I'm even going to buy JQA by the same author because it was so great. So moral of the story: James Monroe - HECK YES!!
So, let's talk about his life. He was born during the French Indian war (which, Unger mentions GDubs started, I already like this guy!). His parents died within a year of one another when he was super young and he was forced to be the man of the house and care for his siblings. (This reminds me of how my dad grew up, so I already have a soft spot for him). He worked hard but had this uncle that was super invested in his development. This dude paid for his college and was v. well connected.
During college, all the shit with the Revolutionary war went down and Monroe went NUTS. He had all that Scottish fire in his blood and was ready to throw down for his country. He ended up dropping out and joining the army, only to get wounded in battle and almost die. He was promoted but couldn't raise troops so had to drop out of serving his country. His uncle convinced him to go back to law school and work for his country on the other side. He interned for TJ and they became BFFAFAFAFAF.
Monroe serves on Congress and becomes a voice for the country. He's never scared to voice his REAL OPINION and throw down when he needs to. The country was kind of a mess and had no way of creating new laws and he was insistent on creating some kind of federal power to protect interests of the country.
One of my major gripes with this dude is how often he got pissed off with government. He'd notice he wasn't making a giant profit (OH HOW DIFFERENT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WERE FROM THESE ASSHATS WE HAVE IN OFFICE NOW) and bail on government. He'd be all like, "Bros, I gotta quit. I'm gonna go open my law firm." ten hundred times during his career.
But like, he was way too invested. After quitting and Jay blowing up shit with with the Spaniards and the Mississippi river, Monroe got back into the game and fought with his other bros over the constitution. Although he was a Republican, he favored strong central government like a Federalist. It's not that he was like TJ that went wherever the more favorable win blew, but he was open to other's ideas and if someone could convince him his point of view was wrong, he'd concede. MAJOR PROPS to that shit.
He was also in the Senate for a while after the country was formed. Monroe was all about making sure the government was FOR THE PEOPLE. He was super against secrecy rules for voting because he wanted to make sure that the government represented the people.
Monroe was given position as ambassador to France. His rules were to stay neutral but show a preference to France. This was all during the French Revolution which was basically like a giant world war in Europe. Britain and France were taking our ships hostage and imposing a crazy amount of sanctions. Jay was in charge of dealing with the British, but SURPRISE SURPRISE he fucked that up to. France got all pissed off and Monroe was recalled. The country is all up in arms in partisan rancor and Monroe, unable to get reasoning for his being recalled, publishes some SHIT in the papers about his appointment. He's all, "fuck you guys, I did my job and I'll prove it." I love this Scottish asshole!
After all this garbage, Monroe was elected to governor of Virginia. At the time this meant LITERALLY NOTHING. It was basically like shaking hands and kissing babies (gross). But Monroe transitioned this position into what it is today. At first, he used his position of power to speak to issues he felt strongly about. He was super well known and super liked so he was able to get his platform addressed, even though he couldn't vote.
TJ asked him again to deal with France to make the Louisiana Purchase happen and although he was poor as fuck, he said yes. Monroe was ALL ABOUT expanding the west, and he worked super hard in securing this deal with the French. Livingston, the other dude helping, got all pissed off that Monroe got all the credit for the deal. But dude, credit due where credit due. His daughter was friend's with Napoleon's main bitch's daughter and so Napoleon was all about dealing with Monroe. He also basically ignored TJ's price range and got MORE land for more money, but it was super good deal, like less than $2 an acre. So this made Monroe all happy because, last mission to France he was shit on for following orders and someone else ruining his deal. This time he was all, "FUCK YOU, I DO WHAT I WANT." and basically doubled the U.S. and expanded so many industries with this new land. HELLO, JOB CREATOR. (Side note: like the fuck head he is, TJ almost ruined the LP because he wasn't sure the constitution granted him that power. Thank you, Monroe for making sure this happened.)
So, after all this success, TJ sends Monroe to Britain to see if he can work his magic and get the Brits to stop fucking us over with interment for our troops and tons of trade sanctions. Monroe is miserable as fuck, not to mention poor as dirt, but he does it because he is the shit. He has a hard time, is undermined by the President but FINALLY gets a treaty, but TJ ignores it because he's a joke. See, he has all these ideas about Madison succeeding him instead of Monroe, so he fucks over his friend. He's all, fuck you guys, I'm going home. He gives up and just works on his farm for a few years.
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS ALL BEFORE THIS DUDE IS EVEN PRESIDENT! While, I like Madison because he has a good brain, he was a shit leader. He's definitely the dude behind the scenes. Hella good speech writer, dude should write laws, but leader of the free world, no way. MONROE HAS UPPER MANAGEMENT WRITTEN ALLLLLLLL OVER HIM. He is a leader in every sense of the word.
So back to Monroe's life: Madison is falling apart and having a hard go of it in the Presidency and need Monroe's help. See, dickhead appointed all friends to positions in his cabinet, not people that actually knew what they were doing (dear god, please hold on during 2017, U.S.). After two years of not speaking, Madison BEGS his friend to come on as Secretary of State. Relations with the Brits and the French are deteriorating, but Monroe is able to work with the French. Unable to reach a good place with the Brits, war is declared and HELLO war of 1812. This is a total shit show. Madison tries to make Monroe Secretary of War too, but the people are all HELL NO and Amstrong is put in place. Bitch SUCKS at his job and shit all falls apart because he can't pay attention or listen to others. After Washington burns do to his incompetence, Monroe basically takes the reigns on ALL FRONTS. He doesn't eat or sleep and works his ass off commanding the army. JQA facilitates and treaty and the war is over. None of our demands were met, so hey! Completely pointless war!
The great thing though, is Monroe emerges as a political leader and is basically handed the presidency.
OMG I HAVE BEEN WRITING FOR OVER AN HOUR AND HE IS STILL NOT PRESIDENT YET.
Monroe basically models his presidency off of Gdubs and ushers in the "Era of Good Feelings." He wants to abolish political parties and fill his cabinet with people from all regions that will be his voice of reason throughout his term. Not only did he do that, but he also continued to expand the U.S. borders with acquisitions of Florida and west to the Pacific Ocean and completely getting rid of the debt. There was a small recession in 1819, but the only people that were fucked were the bankers and swindlers (same thing, am I right?).
My one other beef with Monroe was his handling of slavery. While he wasn't as bad as TJ or Madison, blaming the Brits for slavery, he mostly tried to stay out of it. He was a slave owner, but didn't feel that it was right in a moral sense. However, he didn't actively fight it because he didn't feel like the constitution gave him the power to do so. (HOWEVER HOWEVER, this never stopped him before...) Basically he was a giant pussy that wasn't sure how to solve the problem so he left it alone. He did issue the Missouri Compromise which didn't allow slavery in the north, so there's always that?
The biggest thing that Monroe is known for is his doctrine. After other countries like Mexico and Colombia fought for their independence, the U.S. felt it was important to state their place in the world. They were basically like, if you fuck with us, we'll fuck with you back, but if you leave us alone, we're all good, bro. This shit is STILL used today, for good or bad. Talk about a lasting legacy.
So, after all this, Monroe basically fucks over himself by uniting all the people and getting rid of the political parties. Back in the day, people hated each other because they had different ideals. Now they hate each other because of their shitty personalities. All the people in his cabinet fought to get out on top, that they didn't give a shit about helping Monroe. They all turned against him and each other and made him a lame duck president towards the end. In probably one of the most contentious elections, Monroe refused to throw his hat into the race, because he didn't want to persuade for one candidate or the other because he didn't think that was in his power. Jackson won the most votes in both the Electoral College and the popular vote, but because he didn't get a majority, it went to the house and JQA was picked as the sixth president.
After his two terms, he basically just hung around estate and refused to be involved in politics, particularly due to his crippling debt. He tried to get the government to pay him back but they were dicks about it. Towards the end of his life, his wife died and he lost his shit, hoping to die immediately after, burned all traces of her. Dude died a while later on JULY 4TH! HE WAS THE THIRD PRESIDENT TO DO SO. I'm starting to think assisted suicide was legal back in the day.
So, basically Monroe was awesome as fuck. He did a shit ton in his life, always sacrificing his wellbeing for that of his country. He worked hard overseas to get us in the position we are today. He was a powerful, just leader, but able to work within peaceful parameters when necessary. He created positions for our country that we still believe in today, and he did so without building animosity between parties. Unfortunately, his successors undermined his national unity and submerged us in a civil war, but his doctrine is still used today whenever and wherever American interests seem threatened, and that is cool as fuck.
Oh! One other thing I need to talk about and then I SWEAR TO GOD I AM DONE. Mrs. Monroe was cool as fuck. While she as basically a child bride, she was SO FUCKING SMART. Unlike most women of the time, she was super educated and hated talking with other women because they were such fucking dumb dumbs. Monroe always struggled with the ladies because he just walked to talk shop, but this bitch was ALL ABOUT IT. They had a couple daughters and the whole family was OBSESSED WITH ONE ANOTHER. They didn't go anywhere alone and just wanted to hang out all the time. I loved that because it reminded me of my own family. Also, Elizabeth went to the jail BY HERSELF to bust Lafayette's wife out, that is some cool ass shit.
So.... I think we can safely say that Monroe has take the lead in my ULTIMATE PRESIDENT SHOWDOWN. But let's talk about book ratings first.
Would I talk about this book while drunk? Well, I spent the past week talking to my parents about it. It was all, Monroe this, Monroe that. And evidenced by this DBR, I had a lot of shit to say.
Would I recommend this book while drunk? Fuck yeah. Unger is the shit. He has a very conversational tone so the book was super captivating and I blew through it. I immediately looked up to see if he had written any other PB because I was super impressed.
Alright, let's finish this up with some power rankings:
1. MONROE: While I still don't love that he owned slaves, he made no excuses for his abhorrent behavior like SOME OTHER JACKHOLES. Also, he did the most to push our country to greatness, which I really respect. Not only was he a leader in the army, but he also worked well with other countries to further our domestic policy. He seemed like a smart, fiery Scot and I'm happy to have had him as a president.
2. John Adams: I think you had so much potential and I love your accountability, but I'm sorry, you're number two.
3. G DUBS: A mediocre spot for a mediocre president.
4. Madison: Although Lynne Chenney made it seem like you were one BAMF, Unger made it seem like you were a sickly dumbass. (I'm starting to realize that you might have to take each biography with a grain of salt. When you're obsessed with a President and decide to devote a few years to him, you may rewrite history in his favor.) But, you did the best with what you got.
5. TJ: Last but not least out of all 45. You'll at least have Trump behind you.
ADIOS MUCHAHOS. SEE YOU FOR FOUR YEARS OF JQA!
Sunday, October 23, 2016
VEGETABLES!!!!!! MARTHA!!! WOOOO!!!
Dear Readers!
I am whaaaaasted. We're here to discuss some cooking.
So, I got a new blogging for books book, Vegetables by my main bitch, Martha Stewart. Anne came over and we picked a few things to cook. I had marked like 100 things and we narrowed it down to four. Once we went to the store and we realized they had mussels we narrowed it down to three things: Mussels, risotto, and some kind of veggie skillet.
Shopping was annoying because we spent eternity there. Finally we got all our ingredients and went home. I was in charge of the risotto and mussels. Anne was in charge of the skillet. The hardest part of this dinner was pulling the beards from the mussels. Neither of us were sure this was a thing, but we did it. Then it was chopping time. Otherwise we just stirred for the rest of our lives. Risotto is like chopping one time and stirring for all of time.
Once we sat down to eat it was like, we were gods. We killed the TWO POUNDS of mussels and then we devoured the rest of the food in short order. It was amazing after the hours we spent in the kitchen.
Most of the food we made was very delicious. And a lot of it I'd make again. The skillet with the corn, tomatoes, and edammame is amazing, very flavorful. The risotto is great, but too much of a pain in the ass to ever make again. And the mussels are a very basic to make again and again.
One hilarious thing about this book is that most of the recipes, and especially the ones that looked great, are not hugely vegetable based. Like, the main dish, the veggie was shallots, but it was mostly just a pound of pasta. And in the risotto (THE RISI E BISI), the veggie was peas.
I also loved that this book was very beautiful. It was photographed very well.
So would I talk about this book while drunk? Well, if i could form the words, which I'm struggling for to write about this book, yeah, but I just feel like I'm being pressured.
So would I recommend this book while drunk? Sure. It's a beautiful cookbook with a cook nearby that offers the same thing.
................
It's a good thing I'm still fucked up this morning That was such a shitty book review. LIKE WHAT EVEN IS MY LAST POINT THERE?!?!?? That's not even english. Readers, this was an AWESOME book. I am so happy I got this and I feel like I'm going to be cooking out of this thing for the rest of my life. Everything we made was AH-MAZING. I think it's the best cookbook I've received.
The two person dinner party was also a blast. Shopping was terrible, but the cooking was fun. We listened to music and drank wine and stirred forever. We ate A LOT really quickly, so then it was just us sitting there saying, "I loved all of this food." over and over again.
Most of the recipes were really easy. The combination of skit in the skillet was really interesting. It's not something I'd ever think to throw together, but it was delicious. The risotto was good, but I'm no John Podesta, I don't have that kind of time to spend on a side dish.
I will say, this was not the book I was expecting. I thought a lot of them would be side dishes, but I think for the most part it has recipes for whole meals. Some are a stretch for vegetable recipes, like the mussels, but I think it's a really well rounded cookbook. There's like a hundred other things from this book that I want to make.
YAYYY!!!! PICTURES!!!
I am whaaaaasted. We're here to discuss some cooking.
So, I got a new blogging for books book, Vegetables by my main bitch, Martha Stewart. Anne came over and we picked a few things to cook. I had marked like 100 things and we narrowed it down to four. Once we went to the store and we realized they had mussels we narrowed it down to three things: Mussels, risotto, and some kind of veggie skillet.
Shopping was annoying because we spent eternity there. Finally we got all our ingredients and went home. I was in charge of the risotto and mussels. Anne was in charge of the skillet. The hardest part of this dinner was pulling the beards from the mussels. Neither of us were sure this was a thing, but we did it. Then it was chopping time. Otherwise we just stirred for the rest of our lives. Risotto is like chopping one time and stirring for all of time.
Once we sat down to eat it was like, we were gods. We killed the TWO POUNDS of mussels and then we devoured the rest of the food in short order. It was amazing after the hours we spent in the kitchen.
Most of the food we made was very delicious. And a lot of it I'd make again. The skillet with the corn, tomatoes, and edammame is amazing, very flavorful. The risotto is great, but too much of a pain in the ass to ever make again. And the mussels are a very basic to make again and again.
One hilarious thing about this book is that most of the recipes, and especially the ones that looked great, are not hugely vegetable based. Like, the main dish, the veggie was shallots, but it was mostly just a pound of pasta. And in the risotto (THE RISI E BISI), the veggie was peas.
I also loved that this book was very beautiful. It was photographed very well.
So would I talk about this book while drunk? Well, if i could form the words, which I'm struggling for to write about this book, yeah, but I just feel like I'm being pressured.
So would I recommend this book while drunk? Sure. It's a beautiful cookbook with a cook nearby that offers the same thing.
................
It's a good thing I'm still fucked up this morning That was such a shitty book review. LIKE WHAT EVEN IS MY LAST POINT THERE?!?!?? That's not even english. Readers, this was an AWESOME book. I am so happy I got this and I feel like I'm going to be cooking out of this thing for the rest of my life. Everything we made was AH-MAZING. I think it's the best cookbook I've received.
The two person dinner party was also a blast. Shopping was terrible, but the cooking was fun. We listened to music and drank wine and stirred forever. We ate A LOT really quickly, so then it was just us sitting there saying, "I loved all of this food." over and over again.
Most of the recipes were really easy. The combination of skit in the skillet was really interesting. It's not something I'd ever think to throw together, but it was delicious. The risotto was good, but I'm no John Podesta, I don't have that kind of time to spend on a side dish.
I will say, this was not the book I was expecting. I thought a lot of them would be side dishes, but I think for the most part it has recipes for whole meals. Some are a stretch for vegetable recipes, like the mussels, but I think it's a really well rounded cookbook. There's like a hundred other things from this book that I want to make.
YAYYY!!!! PICTURES!!!
Friday, September 16, 2016
PUNDERDOME!
Hello, readers!
We're here to discuss not a book, but a GAME! How contrary to what this whole blog is about.
So, I received this game* Punderdome recently and have played a handful of times. Once with friends (well, coworkers) and once with family. I'd like say it went well, but that's a lie.
The premise of the game is that there are two cards with words on them and you have to come up with a pun that combines the two words. Say the two words are Books and Wine. A good pun would be... (20 minutes later), "Jonathan FRANZIA is my favorite author." Poor example, but you get the idea.
The first time I played this game was with the crew at work. It definitely was a bigger success than playing with my family. Everyone seems to enjoy the IDEA of the game, but people seemed to struggle at first with actually playing. One dude, in particular, who is super ESL just like, refused to write anything down. The one time he did, it was actually pure comedic gold. I think the big issue with this game is people let their brains get in the way and get too nervous to try.
BUT! Once everyone got into it, it was a lot of fun. This one girl, she would write like NOVELS of puns that were really hilarious and inventive. Overall there were some really good puns. There was one about sports and breakfast that for the life of me, I can't remember, but we were all crying laughing in the moment.
The second time I played Punderdome was with family. I was super excited to play with the fam, because my dad is like the PUN MASTER, much like most dads. I figured my brothers were clever enough that they would enjoy it and it would be super fun to sit around and get hammered and play this game. Well, no one wanted to try AT ALL. It was my brother, my sister in law, my brother in law, a couple nieces, my mother and myself. My brother kept writing "poop" down. Seriously, just the word poop. One of my nieces complained so much that at one point I said, "We played your stupid game (Apples to Apples), now it's YOUR TURN TO PLAY MINE." My brother in law just kept writing down hipster shit. My dad just acted like he had never heard a pun before in his life. MY MOM was the ONLY person to take this shit seriously.
Some background, my mom HATES games where you have to do something or need a brain. She loves games of chance like Uno or Yahtzee and hates every game I love like Scattegories, Cranium, Scribblish, Balderdash, etc. My mom was SUPER into this game. I don't know if it's the wine talking, but she came up with a ton (two) of hilarious puns. School and Medicine? "High School." Emotions and Fashion? "Bawl gown." Those are the best puns I've ever heard in my life. A PLUS MOM!
So, like, clearly this game is all about who you play with. If people have a great attitude going in, it's going to be so much fun you pee your pants. People complain constantly? You're going to want to pistol whip them.
So would I talk/recommend this GAME while drunk? Yeah, I wish I had more friends and I would probably play this game all the time. I'm constantly telling people about it and playing by myself in my head. My head puns are KILLER.
Here is a photo of the time we played at work:
SHAQUILLE O'MEAL!!!! THAT WAS THE BRILLIANT PUN! I KNEW IT WOULD COME TO ME!
Goodnight, homies.
* I have received this copy of Punderdome from Blogging for Books.
We're here to discuss not a book, but a GAME! How contrary to what this whole blog is about.
So, I received this game* Punderdome recently and have played a handful of times. Once with friends (well, coworkers) and once with family. I'd like say it went well, but that's a lie.
The premise of the game is that there are two cards with words on them and you have to come up with a pun that combines the two words. Say the two words are Books and Wine. A good pun would be... (20 minutes later), "Jonathan FRANZIA is my favorite author." Poor example, but you get the idea.
The first time I played this game was with the crew at work. It definitely was a bigger success than playing with my family. Everyone seems to enjoy the IDEA of the game, but people seemed to struggle at first with actually playing. One dude, in particular, who is super ESL just like, refused to write anything down. The one time he did, it was actually pure comedic gold. I think the big issue with this game is people let their brains get in the way and get too nervous to try.
BUT! Once everyone got into it, it was a lot of fun. This one girl, she would write like NOVELS of puns that were really hilarious and inventive. Overall there were some really good puns. There was one about sports and breakfast that for the life of me, I can't remember, but we were all crying laughing in the moment.
The second time I played Punderdome was with family. I was super excited to play with the fam, because my dad is like the PUN MASTER, much like most dads. I figured my brothers were clever enough that they would enjoy it and it would be super fun to sit around and get hammered and play this game. Well, no one wanted to try AT ALL. It was my brother, my sister in law, my brother in law, a couple nieces, my mother and myself. My brother kept writing "poop" down. Seriously, just the word poop. One of my nieces complained so much that at one point I said, "We played your stupid game (Apples to Apples), now it's YOUR TURN TO PLAY MINE." My brother in law just kept writing down hipster shit. My dad just acted like he had never heard a pun before in his life. MY MOM was the ONLY person to take this shit seriously.
Some background, my mom HATES games where you have to do something or need a brain. She loves games of chance like Uno or Yahtzee and hates every game I love like Scattegories, Cranium, Scribblish, Balderdash, etc. My mom was SUPER into this game. I don't know if it's the wine talking, but she came up with a ton (two) of hilarious puns. School and Medicine? "High School." Emotions and Fashion? "Bawl gown." Those are the best puns I've ever heard in my life. A PLUS MOM!
So, like, clearly this game is all about who you play with. If people have a great attitude going in, it's going to be so much fun you pee your pants. People complain constantly? You're going to want to pistol whip them.
So would I talk/recommend this GAME while drunk? Yeah, I wish I had more friends and I would probably play this game all the time. I'm constantly telling people about it and playing by myself in my head. My head puns are KILLER.
Here is a photo of the time we played at work:
SHAQUILLE O'MEAL!!!! THAT WAS THE BRILLIANT PUN! I KNEW IT WOULD COME TO ME!
Goodnight, homies.
* I have received this copy of Punderdome from Blogging for Books.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
James Madison: The Thinking Man's Jefferson
Hey all,
Let's chat about our fourth president, James Madison.
Madison is an alright dude. He's not my favorite of the founder fathers (Hello, John Adams), but he's not the most scumbag either (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Thomas Jefferson.) He's mostly overlooked as some sickly dude, but he accomplished a fuck ton in his life.
Madison came from a decently wealthy family in Virginia. His dad sent him to the super prestigious Princeton for college. However, after Madison blew through the money, his dad told him he couldn't afford to subsidize his life much longer. Madison busted his ass and finished his program in 3 years, but sacrificed his health in the process.
See, Madison had a problem with seizures. He didn't understand why they happened, but when he wasn't taking care of himself, they seemed to pop up. After he basically killed himself to graduate in a shorter time period, he was bedridden for a few years. During this time he read a shit ton about how seizures were the cause of the devil and this affected him for the rest of his life.
Soon after, the Revolutionary War was happening. Madison wanted to join the army, but was afraid that his "sickness" would lead him to hurt himself or others, so he stayed behind and studied everything he could about democracy.
Once the U.S. was on track to become its own nation, Madison was there to draft the constitution. Basically ALL of the good ideas came from him. He would fight people tooth and nail on what he believed was right for the country. It was really remarkable.
He also was responsible for the Bill of Rights. People were so worried about the constitution not covering people's basic rights, that he set out to create a document that did. While, I kind of blame him for this whole bullshit with the second amendment obsession, it's kind of cool he helped reserve people's rights. And what's super cool about the Bill of Rights is how his own experience factored in to it. Madison was super for freedom of religion because of his seizure problems. See, back then (MUCH LIKE NOW), they didn't really understand/believe in science. So, all these Catholic fucks thought that seizures meant you were possessed by the devil. Madison knew this wasn't true and spent his life protecting people from religious persecution (A+!)
Madison was basically the dude behind the scenes throughout his whole life until he became president. He was one of Washington's trusted advisors. Hell, he even wrote Washington's inaugural address. He served in Congress. He also wrote anonymously for the Federalist, especially about John Adams and his abuse of power, and he strived to get TJ elected. He fought against any infringement on what the constitution meant, he dedicated his whole life to protecting it! He also INVENTED the first political party, which completely transformed U.S. politics into what it is today.
He was also the guy behind the scenes of TJ'S presidency. Thomas Jeffesrson was a phony, basically when people think of him, they're ACTUALLY thinking about Madison. They're just too dumb to realize it. Madison was his Secretary of State and responsible for the Louisiana Purchase, something he felt super strongly about since the U.S. was formed. Once T.J. gave up, Madison took over and made sure the administration ran smoothly.
Madison, because of his seizures, never thought that he could be President. He was super embarrassed by them. He also thought he could never have kids. It's why he and Dolley, whom he loved so so much, never had kids. TJ basically forced him into running for President though. It's basically the only good thing that bastard ever did.
Madison was elected President basically during war time. He did everything he could to keep the U.S. from its first war; imposing sanctions, sending diplomats, mediating relations between France and Great Britian, but regardless of his attempts, he was forced to lead the nation during the War of 1812. This basically was his entire administration. (Or at least according to Lynn Cheney, she didn't focus on anything else.) Madison held his ground and refused to concede to either France or Great Britian, despite what many in the country wanted. He knew that this war could prove the strength and power of this new country. Were we to fold to either country, we would never be respected as a world power. But if we were to succeed, no one could fuck with us. One of the saddest things was that he had to deal with the capital being burnt because he had some fucktards in his administration, but overall he was an intelligent, capable wartime president.
After his presidency, Madison returned to Virginia and just like, hung out and wrote letters to people. He was involved, with Jefferson, in the founding of the University of Virginia. He also was really focused on making sure his farm was in order. He stayed interested and involved in politics, sharing his opinion whenever necessary.
Oh, it'd be a shame not to talk about Dolley Madison. While she wasn't a ride or die bitch like Abagail, she seemed cool as fuck. People talked shit about her and slut shamed her, but she didn't care. And, she LOVED James. She hated being away from him, she cared for him during his frequent seizures, and she entertained for him. I wish that she was smarter or more involved in politics, but you can't win em all.
Now, reading all of this, you might wonder, why don't I think highly of Madison? Well, if you read Cheney's book, you might think he's the best of our founding fathers. However, she basically skips over such a MASSIVE part of Madison's life. Madison was from the south, and his whole life, he was a slave owner. And he made no apologies for this. He was of the mindset that the southern economy would collapse without slaves, and so he felt there was no way it could become abolished. Even after his presidency, when the country was discussing ending slavery, this fucking idiot was writing dissertations about how it was impossible to do so, how it would destroy the south and the slaves would never forgive white people. That while it was morally reprehensible, we'd just have to "deal with it." I'm sorry, but FUCK YOU JAMES MADISON. Just because it's HARD for you, doesn't make it right. And also, FUCK YOU LYNNE CHENEY, you can't skip over this fact just because you have a big boner for Madison.
I get it. When you choose to write a 500+ book about a person, you obviously have some bias. But you cCANNOT skip over a major point in history just because it reflects the person you revere in a bad light. Hell, Ellis, who had a massive hard on for TJ, still wrote about his relationship with slavery. He just tried to mansplain that TJ was deep-down against it. But he didn't refuse to acknowledge its existence. I get it, it's ugly. But come on now. It happened. You can't ignore it. (I guess you take after your husband on that front.)
So, I mean, Madison was alright. He's no Barack Obama, but he definitely was a smart ass dude. I feel like when people talk about what a wonderful president Thomas Jefferson was, they really are talking about James Madison. James Madison was behind every great moment in the founding of our country, and any good thing that came out of Thomas Jefferson's presidency. TJ was just a ginger moron with tons of debt that raped his slaves and lied about it. Madison was a brilliant writer, leader, and planner. (Alright, Cheney, I get your bias.)
Would I recommend this book while drunk? No. Lynne Cheney is a terrible writer. This book took me SO LONG to finish, not because I wasn't interested in Madison, but because the style was atrocious. The entire book was just quotes from letters or documents from Madison's life, with very basic introductions by Cheney. I'm sorry, but you quoting shit at me is not you writing a book. And also the fact that she skipped over slavery is unforgivable. There are not a lot of books about Madison, and I made the mistake of trusting The New York Times about this one, but there's got to be a better book about him than this one.
Would I talk about this book while drunk? Yeah. I find that regardless of how the book or president was, I talk about it A LOT. Especially while drunk. Even to myself.
So friends. I think we're at the point that we can rate the presidents in order of their greatness:
1. John Adams (Yeah, I know, the Alien and Sedition acts were super shameful, especially reading about them from other biographer's POVs, but the guy was smart and only had the country's best interest at heart. And he was SURROUNDED BY DOUCHEBAGS.)
2. George Washington (He's been growing on me. Or it could be that he's better than the other half.)
3. James Madison (If only you had freed your slaves, I'd only have eyes for you.)
4. Thomas Jefferson (You're a scumbag and you know it. But! Good news, at least soon you'll be ahead of Andrew Jackson. I literally cannot imagine him being a better President than you.)
AU REVIOR FUCKERS!
Let's chat about our fourth president, James Madison.
Madison is an alright dude. He's not my favorite of the founder fathers (Hello, John Adams), but he's not the most scumbag either (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Thomas Jefferson.) He's mostly overlooked as some sickly dude, but he accomplished a fuck ton in his life.
Madison came from a decently wealthy family in Virginia. His dad sent him to the super prestigious Princeton for college. However, after Madison blew through the money, his dad told him he couldn't afford to subsidize his life much longer. Madison busted his ass and finished his program in 3 years, but sacrificed his health in the process.
See, Madison had a problem with seizures. He didn't understand why they happened, but when he wasn't taking care of himself, they seemed to pop up. After he basically killed himself to graduate in a shorter time period, he was bedridden for a few years. During this time he read a shit ton about how seizures were the cause of the devil and this affected him for the rest of his life.
Soon after, the Revolutionary War was happening. Madison wanted to join the army, but was afraid that his "sickness" would lead him to hurt himself or others, so he stayed behind and studied everything he could about democracy.
Once the U.S. was on track to become its own nation, Madison was there to draft the constitution. Basically ALL of the good ideas came from him. He would fight people tooth and nail on what he believed was right for the country. It was really remarkable.
He also was responsible for the Bill of Rights. People were so worried about the constitution not covering people's basic rights, that he set out to create a document that did. While, I kind of blame him for this whole bullshit with the second amendment obsession, it's kind of cool he helped reserve people's rights. And what's super cool about the Bill of Rights is how his own experience factored in to it. Madison was super for freedom of religion because of his seizure problems. See, back then (MUCH LIKE NOW), they didn't really understand/believe in science. So, all these Catholic fucks thought that seizures meant you were possessed by the devil. Madison knew this wasn't true and spent his life protecting people from religious persecution (A+!)
Madison was basically the dude behind the scenes throughout his whole life until he became president. He was one of Washington's trusted advisors. Hell, he even wrote Washington's inaugural address. He served in Congress. He also wrote anonymously for the Federalist, especially about John Adams and his abuse of power, and he strived to get TJ elected. He fought against any infringement on what the constitution meant, he dedicated his whole life to protecting it! He also INVENTED the first political party, which completely transformed U.S. politics into what it is today.
He was also the guy behind the scenes of TJ'S presidency. Thomas Jeffesrson was a phony, basically when people think of him, they're ACTUALLY thinking about Madison. They're just too dumb to realize it. Madison was his Secretary of State and responsible for the Louisiana Purchase, something he felt super strongly about since the U.S. was formed. Once T.J. gave up, Madison took over and made sure the administration ran smoothly.
Madison, because of his seizures, never thought that he could be President. He was super embarrassed by them. He also thought he could never have kids. It's why he and Dolley, whom he loved so so much, never had kids. TJ basically forced him into running for President though. It's basically the only good thing that bastard ever did.
Madison was elected President basically during war time. He did everything he could to keep the U.S. from its first war; imposing sanctions, sending diplomats, mediating relations between France and Great Britian, but regardless of his attempts, he was forced to lead the nation during the War of 1812. This basically was his entire administration. (Or at least according to Lynn Cheney, she didn't focus on anything else.) Madison held his ground and refused to concede to either France or Great Britian, despite what many in the country wanted. He knew that this war could prove the strength and power of this new country. Were we to fold to either country, we would never be respected as a world power. But if we were to succeed, no one could fuck with us. One of the saddest things was that he had to deal with the capital being burnt because he had some fucktards in his administration, but overall he was an intelligent, capable wartime president.
After his presidency, Madison returned to Virginia and just like, hung out and wrote letters to people. He was involved, with Jefferson, in the founding of the University of Virginia. He also was really focused on making sure his farm was in order. He stayed interested and involved in politics, sharing his opinion whenever necessary.
Oh, it'd be a shame not to talk about Dolley Madison. While she wasn't a ride or die bitch like Abagail, she seemed cool as fuck. People talked shit about her and slut shamed her, but she didn't care. And, she LOVED James. She hated being away from him, she cared for him during his frequent seizures, and she entertained for him. I wish that she was smarter or more involved in politics, but you can't win em all.
Now, reading all of this, you might wonder, why don't I think highly of Madison? Well, if you read Cheney's book, you might think he's the best of our founding fathers. However, she basically skips over such a MASSIVE part of Madison's life. Madison was from the south, and his whole life, he was a slave owner. And he made no apologies for this. He was of the mindset that the southern economy would collapse without slaves, and so he felt there was no way it could become abolished. Even after his presidency, when the country was discussing ending slavery, this fucking idiot was writing dissertations about how it was impossible to do so, how it would destroy the south and the slaves would never forgive white people. That while it was morally reprehensible, we'd just have to "deal with it." I'm sorry, but FUCK YOU JAMES MADISON. Just because it's HARD for you, doesn't make it right. And also, FUCK YOU LYNNE CHENEY, you can't skip over this fact just because you have a big boner for Madison.
I get it. When you choose to write a 500+ book about a person, you obviously have some bias. But you cCANNOT skip over a major point in history just because it reflects the person you revere in a bad light. Hell, Ellis, who had a massive hard on for TJ, still wrote about his relationship with slavery. He just tried to mansplain that TJ was deep-down against it. But he didn't refuse to acknowledge its existence. I get it, it's ugly. But come on now. It happened. You can't ignore it. (I guess you take after your husband on that front.)
So, I mean, Madison was alright. He's no Barack Obama, but he definitely was a smart ass dude. I feel like when people talk about what a wonderful president Thomas Jefferson was, they really are talking about James Madison. James Madison was behind every great moment in the founding of our country, and any good thing that came out of Thomas Jefferson's presidency. TJ was just a ginger moron with tons of debt that raped his slaves and lied about it. Madison was a brilliant writer, leader, and planner. (Alright, Cheney, I get your bias.)
Would I recommend this book while drunk? No. Lynne Cheney is a terrible writer. This book took me SO LONG to finish, not because I wasn't interested in Madison, but because the style was atrocious. The entire book was just quotes from letters or documents from Madison's life, with very basic introductions by Cheney. I'm sorry, but you quoting shit at me is not you writing a book. And also the fact that she skipped over slavery is unforgivable. There are not a lot of books about Madison, and I made the mistake of trusting The New York Times about this one, but there's got to be a better book about him than this one.
Would I talk about this book while drunk? Yeah. I find that regardless of how the book or president was, I talk about it A LOT. Especially while drunk. Even to myself.
So friends. I think we're at the point that we can rate the presidents in order of their greatness:
1. John Adams (Yeah, I know, the Alien and Sedition acts were super shameful, especially reading about them from other biographer's POVs, but the guy was smart and only had the country's best interest at heart. And he was SURROUNDED BY DOUCHEBAGS.)
2. George Washington (He's been growing on me. Or it could be that he's better than the other half.)
3. James Madison (If only you had freed your slaves, I'd only have eyes for you.)
4. Thomas Jefferson (You're a scumbag and you know it. But! Good news, at least soon you'll be ahead of Andrew Jackson. I literally cannot imagine him being a better President than you.)
AU REVIOR FUCKERS!
Assaggio Roma
BUNOA NOTTE!!!
Ciao, lettori! Io ho un libro di cucina, di nome TASTING ROME. Il cibo é delizioso.
Okay, THAT WAS EXHAUSTING. I'll pepe some Italiano throughout this blog post, but Io non scrivo the entire thing in Italiano.
So yeah, Io ho un libro from Blogging for Books called Tasting Rome and I decided ubriocare and make some cibo from it questa sera.
Questo libro looked bellissimo online, and it totally lived up to expectations. Le immagini are spectacular. Io amo the mix of photos di Roma and of il cibo. It depicts la citta that Io amo well.
Once I got un libro, I was uncertain of what cucinare. All of the recipes seemed so great, but very complicated. I wanted to make pizza, but the dough had to sit for OVER VENTIQUATTRO ORE. That just seemed like way too much commitment per me. There was this pasta recipe that sounded really delicious: Ajo, ojo, peperoncino, e pomodori arrostiti. HOWEVER, then Io leggo the description and saw that it is also called "pasta dei cornuti" or THE CUCKOLD'S PASTA. Italian folkore says this pasta is served by cheating wives who do not have time to prepare a proper cena per their husbands. BEING A FEMINIST, I CERTAINLY non cucino this meal. (FUCKING DAGOS.)
I settled on Cacio e Pepe and una insalata con hazelnuts e pecorino. The Cacio e Pepe was super easy to make, it was basically just cooking pasta, grating formaggio, and mixing it all together. It has great flavor, basically like FANCY mac and cheese. La insalata was even easier. I just had to toast the hazelnuts and then throw all the shit together with some olio e succo di limone.
DOPO CENA, I decided to make un cocktail called Cinquieme Arrondissement. It was made with gin, St. Germain, and vino rosso. Or, in altro parole it was FORTE AS FUCK. It was also un bellissimo drink, e molti colori. And now, here we are, very drunk.
So, would I recommend questo libro? Si, il libro é bellissimo. Il cibo é bene e il bevande é forte.
Would Io parlo about questo libro while drunk? Probably. Although, I'm not sure if I would parlo in Italiano. Parlare in Italiano e un difficile especially while drunk.
Here, look at alcuni immagini:
Ciao, lettori! Io ho un libro di cucina, di nome TASTING ROME. Il cibo é delizioso.
Okay, THAT WAS EXHAUSTING. I'll pepe some Italiano throughout this blog post, but Io non scrivo the entire thing in Italiano.
So yeah, Io ho un libro from Blogging for Books called Tasting Rome and I decided ubriocare and make some cibo from it questa sera.
Questo libro looked bellissimo online, and it totally lived up to expectations. Le immagini are spectacular. Io amo the mix of photos di Roma and of il cibo. It depicts la citta that Io amo well.
Once I got un libro, I was uncertain of what cucinare. All of the recipes seemed so great, but very complicated. I wanted to make pizza, but the dough had to sit for OVER VENTIQUATTRO ORE. That just seemed like way too much commitment per me. There was this pasta recipe that sounded really delicious: Ajo, ojo, peperoncino, e pomodori arrostiti. HOWEVER, then Io leggo the description and saw that it is also called "pasta dei cornuti" or THE CUCKOLD'S PASTA. Italian folkore says this pasta is served by cheating wives who do not have time to prepare a proper cena per their husbands. BEING A FEMINIST, I CERTAINLY non cucino this meal. (FUCKING DAGOS.)
I settled on Cacio e Pepe and una insalata con hazelnuts e pecorino. The Cacio e Pepe was super easy to make, it was basically just cooking pasta, grating formaggio, and mixing it all together. It has great flavor, basically like FANCY mac and cheese. La insalata was even easier. I just had to toast the hazelnuts and then throw all the shit together with some olio e succo di limone.
DOPO CENA, I decided to make un cocktail called Cinquieme Arrondissement. It was made with gin, St. Germain, and vino rosso. Or, in altro parole it was FORTE AS FUCK. It was also un bellissimo drink, e molti colori. And now, here we are, very drunk.
So, would I recommend questo libro? Si, il libro é bellissimo. Il cibo é bene e il bevande é forte.
Would Io parlo about questo libro while drunk? Probably. Although, I'm not sure if I would parlo in Italiano. Parlare in Italiano e un difficile especially while drunk.
Here, look at alcuni immagini:
Saturday, April 9, 2016
USOJ BY PETER BERGEN
Okay, I want to preface this drunk book review by saying that I am not a terrorist nor do I support terrorism. I feel like I need to state this because it's KIND OF HARD to get on the internet, while drunk, and talk about terrorism. But I got this cool book, United States of Jihad from BFB and well, my blog is what is, as my Grandma would say. BUT, I am ALL ABOUT making America great again. And I do NOT mean that in the sense of, "Hey, let's all vote for Donald Trump!" Because THAT guy, he's a fucking terrorist.
Fuck, we're off to a really bad start. I feel like my whole preface is basically what a terrorist would say to make people think he's not a terrorist. I'm now on like 100 watch lists, and so are you. It's a good thing I'm not a terrorist. Terrorist is really hard to type whilst drunk. Too many Rs.
Let's get down to brass tacks. This book is pretty good. I saw Bergen give an interview about this book on the Daily Show a few weeks back, so I was excited to see what he had to say in long form.
The premise is home-grown terror and the spread of ISIS. (P.S. FUCK ISIS, they're the worst. You can't trust anyone without a sense of humor.) An interesting concept, especially with the upcoming election. If you watch any GOP debate, they're all for getting rid of all Muslims, and especially preventing any from coming to the country. But what's interesting about this book is how many terrorists are actually American. Born and raised in the good old U. S. of A.
The history of ISIS is pretty interesting and hearing about what they've done with social media is crazy. I still don't understand why any of these idiots would give up their lives based on a tweet, but there's a lot I don't understand about idiots in general.
The thing I found most interesting and that has been most stuck in my brain since finishing the book is the whole idea of entrapment. Bergen says that most of the planned terrorist attacks in the US since 9/11 have been through the FBI. Basically, they think someone is a terrorist, befriend them, plan an attack and get them to follow through so they can arrest them. It's definitely a gray area. On one hand, I can see the benefit of tricking these people into proving their guilt. Hey! They're (suspected) terrorists after all! On the other, would they have gone through with any of it without that push? Bergen presents some cases that cast serious doubt.
Another thing that I found interesting was the very first story in the book. It's about a young Muslim kid from Chicago that gets caught in the airport trying to leave America to join ISIS. He's arrested at the airport and convicted of terrorism. Around the same time, a very similar situation happened with a young white girl in the states, but the FBI contacted her parents several times before she was arrested, trying to talk her out of it. A whole point was raised about why the Muslim kid was not given the same treatment, why the FBI did not try to use his family to change his mind. The book definitely raised some issues that I would never have thought about, some sympathies with young people that maybe could have had a different outcome. FUCK, see what reason can do to a person???
The most upsetting thing to me was reading about a lot of the inadequacies of our current system. Most of the successful terrorist attacks have been, in some way, predicted or the government has been warned. And in almost all cases, someone from the terrorist's community or family was the one to do so. This is particularly upsetting because of the right-wing nut jobs' attacks on the Muslim community. Ted Cruz's recent schpiel about monitoring the communities, or the entire party's demands to ban Muslims seems unfounded when you look at the evidence. The Muslim community is like any other community, hoping to keep people safe, but they're mostly ignored when they try to help.
The end was a little strange to me though. I enjoyed reading the book, it was really well written, and each section lead with an interesting story, and then created a theme around that story, whether it be social media, or community, etc. However, the last section really veered off course. Bergen dropped the discussion of terrorism, saying that you're so much more likely to die from a mass shooting than you are a terrorist attack, and then began to push his agenda. And hey, I completely agree with his agenda, it just felt a little bizarre. Guns are bad, there are a lot of wack jobs in this country killing a lot of people, more so than ISIS. Bergen, we're totally in agreement. But if you wanted to write a book about gun violence and legislation in America, just do that. No one was holding a gun to your head. (OOOOOOOOOH SEE WHAT I DID THERE!)
However, it did leave me with one amazing stat: "Since 9/11, extremists affiliated with a variety of far-right-wing credos, including white supremacists, antiabortion extremists, and anti-government militants, have killed around the same number of people in the United States as have extremists motivated by al-Qaeda's ideology. As we have seen, by the end of 2015, forty-five people have been killed in jihadist terrorist attacks in the United States, while right-wing racists and antigovernment militants had killed forty-eight."
THAT IS SOME INSANE SHIT. But yeah, Muslims are the problem, not right-wing extremists that tout their second amendment right. SUUUUUURE.
I don't know. I get that terrorism is extremely dangerous, and no one wants another 9/11, but some of the measures that have been used to catch so called terrorists, based on what I've read in this book, seem sketchy as fuck. And some of the means to actually stop ALL kinds of terrorism, seem to be routinely ignored. After reading this book, I just wanted to mail it to every single Republican out there. They clearly all need some education.
Soooooo, would I talk about this book while drunk? I don't know, it's hard. I've been putting off this book review because I'm afraid it's going to put me on like every Homeland Security list. Terrorism is a tough topic, especially when you lack basic motor skills due to massive wine consumption.
Would I recommend this book while drunk? Dude, it was a super easy book to read and it was less than 300 pages. If you're interested in learning about home-grown terror, why the fuck not? I would definitely recommend it to any right-wing nut job in my life. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE TYPES.
Fuck, that was an INTENSE book report. Terrorism really kills... one's buzz.
Fuck, we're off to a really bad start. I feel like my whole preface is basically what a terrorist would say to make people think he's not a terrorist. I'm now on like 100 watch lists, and so are you. It's a good thing I'm not a terrorist. Terrorist is really hard to type whilst drunk. Too many Rs.
Let's get down to brass tacks. This book is pretty good. I saw Bergen give an interview about this book on the Daily Show a few weeks back, so I was excited to see what he had to say in long form.
The premise is home-grown terror and the spread of ISIS. (P.S. FUCK ISIS, they're the worst. You can't trust anyone without a sense of humor.) An interesting concept, especially with the upcoming election. If you watch any GOP debate, they're all for getting rid of all Muslims, and especially preventing any from coming to the country. But what's interesting about this book is how many terrorists are actually American. Born and raised in the good old U. S. of A.
The history of ISIS is pretty interesting and hearing about what they've done with social media is crazy. I still don't understand why any of these idiots would give up their lives based on a tweet, but there's a lot I don't understand about idiots in general.
The thing I found most interesting and that has been most stuck in my brain since finishing the book is the whole idea of entrapment. Bergen says that most of the planned terrorist attacks in the US since 9/11 have been through the FBI. Basically, they think someone is a terrorist, befriend them, plan an attack and get them to follow through so they can arrest them. It's definitely a gray area. On one hand, I can see the benefit of tricking these people into proving their guilt. Hey! They're (suspected) terrorists after all! On the other, would they have gone through with any of it without that push? Bergen presents some cases that cast serious doubt.
Another thing that I found interesting was the very first story in the book. It's about a young Muslim kid from Chicago that gets caught in the airport trying to leave America to join ISIS. He's arrested at the airport and convicted of terrorism. Around the same time, a very similar situation happened with a young white girl in the states, but the FBI contacted her parents several times before she was arrested, trying to talk her out of it. A whole point was raised about why the Muslim kid was not given the same treatment, why the FBI did not try to use his family to change his mind. The book definitely raised some issues that I would never have thought about, some sympathies with young people that maybe could have had a different outcome. FUCK, see what reason can do to a person???
The most upsetting thing to me was reading about a lot of the inadequacies of our current system. Most of the successful terrorist attacks have been, in some way, predicted or the government has been warned. And in almost all cases, someone from the terrorist's community or family was the one to do so. This is particularly upsetting because of the right-wing nut jobs' attacks on the Muslim community. Ted Cruz's recent schpiel about monitoring the communities, or the entire party's demands to ban Muslims seems unfounded when you look at the evidence. The Muslim community is like any other community, hoping to keep people safe, but they're mostly ignored when they try to help.
The end was a little strange to me though. I enjoyed reading the book, it was really well written, and each section lead with an interesting story, and then created a theme around that story, whether it be social media, or community, etc. However, the last section really veered off course. Bergen dropped the discussion of terrorism, saying that you're so much more likely to die from a mass shooting than you are a terrorist attack, and then began to push his agenda. And hey, I completely agree with his agenda, it just felt a little bizarre. Guns are bad, there are a lot of wack jobs in this country killing a lot of people, more so than ISIS. Bergen, we're totally in agreement. But if you wanted to write a book about gun violence and legislation in America, just do that. No one was holding a gun to your head. (OOOOOOOOOH SEE WHAT I DID THERE!)
However, it did leave me with one amazing stat: "Since 9/11, extremists affiliated with a variety of far-right-wing credos, including white supremacists, antiabortion extremists, and anti-government militants, have killed around the same number of people in the United States as have extremists motivated by al-Qaeda's ideology. As we have seen, by the end of 2015, forty-five people have been killed in jihadist terrorist attacks in the United States, while right-wing racists and antigovernment militants had killed forty-eight."
THAT IS SOME INSANE SHIT. But yeah, Muslims are the problem, not right-wing extremists that tout their second amendment right. SUUUUUURE.
I don't know. I get that terrorism is extremely dangerous, and no one wants another 9/11, but some of the measures that have been used to catch so called terrorists, based on what I've read in this book, seem sketchy as fuck. And some of the means to actually stop ALL kinds of terrorism, seem to be routinely ignored. After reading this book, I just wanted to mail it to every single Republican out there. They clearly all need some education.
Soooooo, would I talk about this book while drunk? I don't know, it's hard. I've been putting off this book review because I'm afraid it's going to put me on like every Homeland Security list. Terrorism is a tough topic, especially when you lack basic motor skills due to massive wine consumption.
Would I recommend this book while drunk? Dude, it was a super easy book to read and it was less than 300 pages. If you're interested in learning about home-grown terror, why the fuck not? I would definitely recommend it to any right-wing nut job in my life. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE TYPES.
Fuck, that was an INTENSE book report. Terrorism really kills... one's buzz.
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