HEEEY GUYYYYS!!!!
I'm coming off of a week long vacation full of wine and books. The first book I tackled during this trip was about our FIFTH PRESIDENT: James Monroe. Of all of the Presidential biographies I've read so far, this dude is by far my favorite. I was crazy captivated about his life, super into the book, rooting for him his whole life, and wishing for more once it was done. I'm even going to buy JQA by the same author because it was so great. So moral of the story: James Monroe - HECK YES!!
So, let's talk about his life. He was born during the French Indian war (which, Unger mentions GDubs started, I already like this guy!). His parents died within a year of one another when he was super young and he was forced to be the man of the house and care for his siblings. (This reminds me of how my dad grew up, so I already have a soft spot for him). He worked hard but had this uncle that was super invested in his development. This dude paid for his college and was v. well connected.
During college, all the shit with the Revolutionary war went down and Monroe went NUTS. He had all that Scottish fire in his blood and was ready to throw down for his country. He ended up dropping out and joining the army, only to get wounded in battle and almost die. He was promoted but couldn't raise troops so had to drop out of serving his country. His uncle convinced him to go back to law school and work for his country on the other side. He interned for TJ and they became BFFAFAFAFAF.
Monroe serves on Congress and becomes a voice for the country. He's never scared to voice his REAL OPINION and throw down when he needs to. The country was kind of a mess and had no way of creating new laws and he was insistent on creating some kind of federal power to protect interests of the country.
One of my major gripes with this dude is how often he got pissed off with government. He'd notice he wasn't making a giant profit (OH HOW DIFFERENT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WERE FROM THESE ASSHATS WE HAVE IN OFFICE NOW) and bail on government. He'd be all like, "Bros, I gotta quit. I'm gonna go open my law firm." ten hundred times during his career.
But like, he was way too invested. After quitting and Jay blowing up shit with with the Spaniards and the Mississippi river, Monroe got back into the game and fought with his other bros over the constitution. Although he was a Republican, he favored strong central government like a Federalist. It's not that he was like TJ that went wherever the more favorable win blew, but he was open to other's ideas and if someone could convince him his point of view was wrong, he'd concede. MAJOR PROPS to that shit.
He was also in the Senate for a while after the country was formed. Monroe was all about making sure the government was FOR THE PEOPLE. He was super against secrecy rules for voting because he wanted to make sure that the government represented the people.
Monroe was given position as ambassador to France. His rules were to stay neutral but show a preference to France. This was all during the French Revolution which was basically like a giant world war in Europe. Britain and France were taking our ships hostage and imposing a crazy amount of sanctions. Jay was in charge of dealing with the British, but SURPRISE SURPRISE he fucked that up to. France got all pissed off and Monroe was recalled. The country is all up in arms in partisan rancor and Monroe, unable to get reasoning for his being recalled, publishes some SHIT in the papers about his appointment. He's all, "fuck you guys, I did my job and I'll prove it." I love this Scottish asshole!
After all this garbage, Monroe was elected to governor of Virginia. At the time this meant LITERALLY NOTHING. It was basically like shaking hands and kissing babies (gross). But Monroe transitioned this position into what it is today. At first, he used his position of power to speak to issues he felt strongly about. He was super well known and super liked so he was able to get his platform addressed, even though he couldn't vote.
TJ asked him again to deal with France to make the Louisiana Purchase happen and although he was poor as fuck, he said yes. Monroe was ALL ABOUT expanding the west, and he worked super hard in securing this deal with the French. Livingston, the other dude helping, got all pissed off that Monroe got all the credit for the deal. But dude, credit due where credit due. His daughter was friend's with Napoleon's main bitch's daughter and so Napoleon was all about dealing with Monroe. He also basically ignored TJ's price range and got MORE land for more money, but it was super good deal, like less than $2 an acre. So this made Monroe all happy because, last mission to France he was shit on for following orders and someone else ruining his deal. This time he was all, "FUCK YOU, I DO WHAT I WANT." and basically doubled the U.S. and expanded so many industries with this new land. HELLO, JOB CREATOR. (Side note: like the fuck head he is, TJ almost ruined the LP because he wasn't sure the constitution granted him that power. Thank you, Monroe for making sure this happened.)
So, after all this success, TJ sends Monroe to Britain to see if he can work his magic and get the Brits to stop fucking us over with interment for our troops and tons of trade sanctions. Monroe is miserable as fuck, not to mention poor as dirt, but he does it because he is the shit. He has a hard time, is undermined by the President but FINALLY gets a treaty, but TJ ignores it because he's a joke. See, he has all these ideas about Madison succeeding him instead of Monroe, so he fucks over his friend. He's all, fuck you guys, I'm going home. He gives up and just works on his farm for a few years.
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS ALL BEFORE THIS DUDE IS EVEN PRESIDENT! While, I like Madison because he has a good brain, he was a shit leader. He's definitely the dude behind the scenes. Hella good speech writer, dude should write laws, but leader of the free world, no way. MONROE HAS UPPER MANAGEMENT WRITTEN ALLLLLLLL OVER HIM. He is a leader in every sense of the word.
So back to Monroe's life: Madison is falling apart and having a hard go of it in the Presidency and need Monroe's help. See, dickhead appointed all friends to positions in his cabinet, not people that actually knew what they were doing (dear god, please hold on during 2017, U.S.). After two years of not speaking, Madison BEGS his friend to come on as Secretary of State. Relations with the Brits and the French are deteriorating, but Monroe is able to work with the French. Unable to reach a good place with the Brits, war is declared and HELLO war of 1812. This is a total shit show. Madison tries to make Monroe Secretary of War too, but the people are all HELL NO and Amstrong is put in place. Bitch SUCKS at his job and shit all falls apart because he can't pay attention or listen to others. After Washington burns do to his incompetence, Monroe basically takes the reigns on ALL FRONTS. He doesn't eat or sleep and works his ass off commanding the army. JQA facilitates and treaty and the war is over. None of our demands were met, so hey! Completely pointless war!
The great thing though, is Monroe emerges as a political leader and is basically handed the presidency.
OMG I HAVE BEEN WRITING FOR OVER AN HOUR AND HE IS STILL NOT PRESIDENT YET.
Monroe basically models his presidency off of Gdubs and ushers in the "Era of Good Feelings." He wants to abolish political parties and fill his cabinet with people from all regions that will be his voice of reason throughout his term. Not only did he do that, but he also continued to expand the U.S. borders with acquisitions of Florida and west to the Pacific Ocean and completely getting rid of the debt. There was a small recession in 1819, but the only people that were fucked were the bankers and swindlers (same thing, am I right?).
My one other beef with Monroe was his handling of slavery. While he wasn't as bad as TJ or Madison, blaming the Brits for slavery, he mostly tried to stay out of it. He was a slave owner, but didn't feel that it was right in a moral sense. However, he didn't actively fight it because he didn't feel like the constitution gave him the power to do so. (HOWEVER HOWEVER, this never stopped him before...) Basically he was a giant pussy that wasn't sure how to solve the problem so he left it alone. He did issue the Missouri Compromise which didn't allow slavery in the north, so there's always that?
The biggest thing that Monroe is known for is his doctrine. After other countries like Mexico and Colombia fought for their independence, the U.S. felt it was important to state their place in the world. They were basically like, if you fuck with us, we'll fuck with you back, but if you leave us alone, we're all good, bro. This shit is STILL used today, for good or bad. Talk about a lasting legacy.
So, after all this, Monroe basically fucks over himself by uniting all the people and getting rid of the political parties. Back in the day, people hated each other because they had different ideals. Now they hate each other because of their shitty personalities. All the people in his cabinet fought to get out on top, that they didn't give a shit about helping Monroe. They all turned against him and each other and made him a lame duck president towards the end. In probably one of the most contentious elections, Monroe refused to throw his hat into the race, because he didn't want to persuade for one candidate or the other because he didn't think that was in his power. Jackson won the most votes in both the Electoral College and the popular vote, but because he didn't get a majority, it went to the house and JQA was picked as the sixth president.
After his two terms, he basically just hung around estate and refused to be involved in politics, particularly due to his crippling debt. He tried to get the government to pay him back but they were dicks about it. Towards the end of his life, his wife died and he lost his shit, hoping to die immediately after, burned all traces of her. Dude died a while later on JULY 4TH! HE WAS THE THIRD PRESIDENT TO DO SO. I'm starting to think assisted suicide was legal back in the day.
So, basically Monroe was awesome as fuck. He did a shit ton in his life, always sacrificing his wellbeing for that of his country. He worked hard overseas to get us in the position we are today. He was a powerful, just leader, but able to work within peaceful parameters when necessary. He created positions for our country that we still believe in today, and he did so without building animosity between parties. Unfortunately, his successors undermined his national unity and submerged us in a civil war, but his doctrine is still used today whenever and wherever American interests seem threatened, and that is cool as fuck.
Oh! One other thing I need to talk about and then I SWEAR TO GOD I AM DONE. Mrs. Monroe was cool as fuck. While she as basically a child bride, she was SO FUCKING SMART. Unlike most women of the time, she was super educated and hated talking with other women because they were such fucking dumb dumbs. Monroe always struggled with the ladies because he just walked to talk shop, but this bitch was ALL ABOUT IT. They had a couple daughters and the whole family was OBSESSED WITH ONE ANOTHER. They didn't go anywhere alone and just wanted to hang out all the time. I loved that because it reminded me of my own family. Also, Elizabeth went to the jail BY HERSELF to bust Lafayette's wife out, that is some cool ass shit.
So.... I think we can safely say that Monroe has take the lead in my ULTIMATE PRESIDENT SHOWDOWN. But let's talk about book ratings first.
Would I talk about this book while drunk? Well, I spent the past week talking to my parents about it. It was all, Monroe this, Monroe that. And evidenced by this DBR, I had a lot of shit to say.
Would I recommend this book while drunk? Fuck yeah. Unger is the shit. He has a very conversational tone so the book was super captivating and I blew through it. I immediately looked up to see if he had written any other PB because I was super impressed.
Alright, let's finish this up with some power rankings:
1. MONROE: While I still don't love that he owned slaves, he made no excuses for his abhorrent behavior like SOME OTHER JACKHOLES. Also, he did the most to push our country to greatness, which I really respect. Not only was he a leader in the army, but he also worked well with other countries to further our domestic policy. He seemed like a smart, fiery Scot and I'm happy to have had him as a president.
2. John Adams: I think you had so much potential and I love your accountability, but I'm sorry, you're number two.
3. G DUBS: A mediocre spot for a mediocre president.
4. Madison: Although Lynne Chenney made it seem like you were one BAMF, Unger made it seem like you were a sickly dumbass. (I'm starting to realize that you might have to take each biography with a grain of salt. When you're obsessed with a President and decide to devote a few years to him, you may rewrite history in his favor.) But, you did the best with what you got.
5. TJ: Last but not least out of all 45. You'll at least have Trump behind you.
ADIOS MUCHAHOS. SEE YOU FOR FOUR YEARS OF JQA!
