VEGETABLES!!!!!! MARTHA!!! WOOOO!!!

Dear Readers!

I am whaaaaasted. We're here to discuss some cooking.

So, I got a new blogging for books book, Vegetables by my main bitch, Martha Stewart. Anne came over and we picked a few things to cook. I had marked like 100 things and we narrowed it down to four. Once we went to the store and we realized they had mussels we narrowed it down to three things: Mussels, risotto, and some kind of veggie skillet.

Shopping was annoying because we spent eternity there. Finally we got all our ingredients and went home. I was in charge of the risotto and mussels. Anne was in charge of the skillet. The hardest part of this dinner was pulling the beards from the mussels. Neither of us were sure this was a thing, but we did it. Then it was chopping time. Otherwise we just stirred for the rest of our lives. Risotto is like chopping one time and stirring for all of time.

Once we sat down to eat it was like, we were gods. We killed the TWO POUNDS of mussels and then we devoured the rest of the food in short order. It was amazing after the hours we spent in the kitchen.

Most of the food we made was very delicious. And a lot of it I'd make again. The skillet with the corn, tomatoes, and edammame is amazing, very flavorful. The risotto is great, but too much of a pain in the ass to ever make again. And the mussels are a very basic to make again and again.

One hilarious thing about this book is that most of the recipes, and especially the ones that looked great, are not hugely vegetable based. Like, the main dish, the veggie was shallots, but it was mostly just a pound of pasta. And in the risotto (THE RISI E BISI), the veggie was peas.

I also loved that this book was very beautiful. It was photographed very well.

So would I talk about this book while drunk? Well, if i could form the words, which I'm struggling for to write about this book, yeah, but I just feel like I'm being pressured.

So would I recommend this book while drunk? Sure. It's a beautiful cookbook with a cook nearby that offers the same thing.

................


It's a good thing I'm still fucked up this morning That was such a shitty book review. LIKE WHAT EVEN IS MY LAST POINT THERE?!?!?? That's not even english. Readers, this was an AWESOME book. I am so happy I got this and I feel like I'm going to be cooking out of this thing for the rest of my life. Everything we made was AH-MAZING. I think it's the best cookbook I've received.

The two person dinner party was also a blast. Shopping was terrible, but the cooking was fun. We listened to music and drank wine and stirred forever. We ate A LOT really quickly, so then it was just us sitting there saying, "I loved all of this food." over and over again.

Most of the recipes were really easy. The combination of skit in the skillet was really interesting. It's not something I'd ever think to throw together, but it was delicious. The risotto was good, but I'm no John Podesta, I don't have that kind of time to spend on a side dish.

I will say, this was not the book I was expecting. I thought a lot of them would be side dishes, but I think for the most part it has recipes for whole meals. Some are a stretch for vegetable recipes, like the mussels, but I think it's a really well rounded cookbook. There's like a hundred other things from this book that I want to make.

YAYYY!!!! PICTURES!!!

       
              

PUNDERDOME!

Hello, readers!

We're here to discuss not a book, but a GAME! How contrary to what this whole blog is about.

So, I received this game* Punderdome recently and have played a handful of times. Once with friends (well, coworkers) and once with family. I'd like say it went well, but that's a lie.

The premise of the game is that there are two cards with words on them and you have to come up with a pun that combines the two words. Say the two words are Books and Wine. A good pun would be... (20 minutes later), "Jonathan FRANZIA is my favorite author." Poor example, but you get the idea.

The first time I played this game was with the crew at work. It definitely was a bigger success than playing with my family. Everyone seems to enjoy the IDEA of the game, but people seemed to struggle at first with actually playing. One dude, in particular, who is super ESL just like, refused to write anything down. The one time he did, it was actually pure comedic gold. I think the big issue with this game is people let their brains get in the way and get too nervous to try.

BUT! Once everyone got into it, it was a lot of fun. This one girl, she would write like NOVELS of puns that were really hilarious and inventive. Overall there were some really good puns. There was one about sports and breakfast that for the life of me, I can't remember, but we were all crying laughing in the moment.

The second time I played Punderdome was with family. I was super excited to play with the fam, because my dad is like the PUN MASTER, much like most dads. I figured my brothers were clever enough that they would enjoy it and it would be super fun to sit around and get hammered and play this game. Well, no one wanted to try AT ALL. It was my brother, my sister in law, my brother in law, a couple nieces, my mother and myself. My brother kept writing "poop" down. Seriously, just the word poop. One of my nieces complained so much that at one point I said, "We played your stupid game (Apples to Apples), now it's YOUR TURN TO PLAY MINE." My brother in law just kept writing down hipster shit. My dad just acted like he had never heard a pun before in his life. MY MOM was the ONLY person to take this shit seriously.

Some background, my mom HATES games where you have to do something or need a brain. She loves games of chance like Uno or Yahtzee and hates every game I love like Scattegories, Cranium, Scribblish, Balderdash, etc. My mom was SUPER into this game. I don't know if it's the wine talking, but she came up with a ton (two) of hilarious puns. School and Medicine? "High School." Emotions and Fashion? "Bawl gown." Those are the best puns I've ever heard in my life. A PLUS MOM!

So, like, clearly this game is all about who you play with. If people have a great attitude going in, it's going to be so much fun you pee your pants. People complain constantly? You're going to want to pistol whip them.

So would I talk/recommend this GAME while drunk? Yeah, I wish I had more friends and I would probably play this game all the time. I'm constantly telling people about it and playing by myself in my head. My head puns are KILLER.

Here is a photo of the time we played at work:





SHAQUILLE O'MEAL!!!! THAT WAS THE BRILLIANT PUN! I KNEW IT WOULD COME TO ME!

Goodnight, homies.



* I have received this copy of Punderdome from Blogging for Books.

James Madison: The Thinking Man's Jefferson

Hey all,

Let's chat about our fourth president, James Madison.

Madison is an alright dude. He's not my favorite of the founder fathers (Hello, John Adams), but he's not the most scumbag either (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Thomas Jefferson.) He's mostly overlooked as some sickly dude, but he accomplished a fuck ton in his life.

Madison came from a decently wealthy family in Virginia. His dad sent him to the super prestigious Princeton for college. However, after Madison blew through the money, his dad told him he couldn't afford to subsidize his life much longer. Madison busted his ass and finished his program in 3 years, but sacrificed his health in the process.

See, Madison had a problem with seizures. He didn't understand why they happened, but when he wasn't taking care of himself, they seemed to pop up. After he basically killed himself to graduate in a shorter time period, he was bedridden for a few years. During this time he read a shit ton about how seizures were the cause of the devil and this affected him for the rest of his life.

Soon after, the Revolutionary War was happening. Madison wanted to join the army, but was afraid that his "sickness" would lead him to hurt himself or others, so he stayed behind and studied everything he could about democracy.

Once the U.S. was on track to become its own nation, Madison was there to draft the constitution. Basically ALL of the good ideas came from him. He would fight people tooth and nail on what he believed was right for the country. It was really remarkable.

He also was responsible for the Bill of Rights. People were so worried about the constitution not covering people's basic rights, that he set out to create a document that did. While, I kind of blame him for this whole bullshit with the second amendment obsession, it's kind of cool he helped reserve people's rights. And what's super cool about the Bill of Rights is how his own experience factored in to it. Madison was super for freedom of religion because of his seizure problems. See, back then (MUCH LIKE NOW), they didn't really understand/believe in science. So, all these Catholic fucks thought that seizures meant you were possessed by the devil. Madison knew this wasn't true and spent his life protecting people from religious persecution (A+!)

Madison was basically the dude behind the scenes throughout his whole life until he became president. He was one of Washington's trusted advisors. Hell, he even wrote Washington's inaugural address. He served in Congress. He also wrote anonymously for the Federalist, especially about John Adams and his abuse of power, and he strived to get TJ elected. He fought against any infringement on what the constitution meant, he dedicated his whole life to protecting it! He also INVENTED the first political party, which completely transformed U.S. politics into what it is today.

He was also the guy behind the scenes of TJ'S presidency. Thomas Jeffesrson was a phony, basically when people think of him, they're ACTUALLY thinking about Madison. They're just too dumb to realize it. Madison was his Secretary of State and responsible for the Louisiana Purchase, something he felt super strongly about since the U.S. was formed. Once T.J. gave up,  Madison took over and made sure the administration ran smoothly.

Madison, because of his seizures, never thought that he could be President. He was super embarrassed by them. He also thought he could never have kids. It's why he and Dolley, whom he loved so so much, never had kids. TJ basically forced him into running for President though. It's basically the only good thing that bastard ever did.

Madison was elected President basically during war time. He did everything he could to keep the U.S. from its first war; imposing sanctions, sending diplomats, mediating relations between France and Great Britian, but regardless of his attempts, he was forced to lead the nation during the War of 1812. This basically was his entire administration. (Or at least according to Lynn Cheney, she didn't focus on anything else.) Madison held his ground and refused to concede to either France or Great Britian, despite what many in the country wanted. He knew that this war could prove the strength and power of this new country. Were we to fold to either country, we would never be respected as a world power. But if we were to succeed, no one could fuck with us. One of the saddest things was that he had to deal with the capital being burnt because he had some fucktards in his administration, but overall he was an intelligent, capable wartime president.

After his presidency, Madison returned to Virginia and just like, hung out and wrote letters to people. He was involved, with Jefferson, in the founding of the University of Virginia. He also was really focused on making sure his farm was in order. He stayed interested and involved in politics, sharing his opinion whenever necessary.

Oh, it'd be a shame not to talk about Dolley Madison. While she wasn't a ride or die bitch like Abagail, she seemed cool as fuck. People talked shit about her and slut shamed her, but she didn't care. And, she LOVED James. She hated being away from him, she cared for him during his frequent seizures, and she entertained for him. I wish that she was smarter or more involved in politics, but you can't win em all.

Now, reading all of this, you might wonder, why don't I think highly of Madison? Well, if you read Cheney's book, you might think he's the best of our founding fathers. However, she basically skips over such a MASSIVE part of Madison's life. Madison was from the south, and his whole life, he was a slave owner. And he made no apologies for this. He was of the mindset that the southern economy would collapse without slaves, and so he felt there was no way it could become abolished. Even after his presidency, when the country was discussing ending slavery, this fucking idiot was writing dissertations about how it was impossible to do so, how it would destroy the south and the slaves would never forgive white people. That while it was morally reprehensible, we'd just have to "deal with it." I'm sorry, but FUCK YOU JAMES MADISON. Just because it's HARD for you, doesn't make it right. And also, FUCK YOU LYNNE CHENEY, you can't skip over this fact just because you have a big boner for Madison.

I get it. When you choose to write a 500+ book about a person, you obviously have some bias. But you cCANNOT skip over a major point in history just because it reflects the person you revere in a bad light. Hell, Ellis, who had a massive hard on for TJ, still wrote about his relationship with slavery. He just tried to mansplain that TJ was deep-down against it. But he didn't refuse to acknowledge its existence. I get it, it's ugly. But come on now. It happened. You can't ignore it. (I guess you take after your husband on that front.)

So, I mean, Madison was alright. He's no Barack Obama, but he definitely was a smart ass dude. I feel like when people talk about what a wonderful president Thomas Jefferson was, they really are talking about James Madison. James Madison was behind every great moment in the founding of our country, and any good thing that came out of Thomas Jefferson's presidency. TJ was just a ginger moron with tons of debt that raped his slaves and lied about it. Madison was a brilliant writer, leader, and planner. (Alright, Cheney, I get your bias.)

Would I recommend this book while drunk? No. Lynne Cheney is a terrible writer. This book took me SO LONG to finish, not because I wasn't interested in Madison, but because the style was atrocious. The entire book was just quotes from letters or documents from Madison's life, with very basic introductions by Cheney. I'm sorry, but you quoting shit at me is not you writing a book. And also the fact that she skipped over slavery is unforgivable. There are not a lot of books about Madison, and I made the mistake of trusting The New York Times about this one, but there's got to be a better book about him than this one.

Would I talk about this book while drunk? Yeah. I find that regardless of how the book or president was, I talk about it A LOT. Especially while drunk. Even to myself.

So friends. I think we're at the point that we can rate the presidents in order of their greatness:

1. John Adams (Yeah, I know, the Alien and Sedition acts were super shameful, especially reading about them from other biographer's POVs, but the guy was smart and only had the country's best interest at heart. And he was SURROUNDED BY DOUCHEBAGS.)

2. George Washington (He's been growing on me. Or it could be that he's better than the other half.)

3. James Madison (If only you had freed your slaves, I'd only have eyes for you.)

4. Thomas Jefferson (You're a scumbag and you know it. But! Good news, at least soon you'll be ahead of Andrew Jackson. I literally cannot imagine him being a better President than you.)

AU REVIOR FUCKERS!

Assaggio Roma

BUNOA NOTTE!!!

Ciao, lettori! Io ho un libro di cucina, di nome TASTING ROME. Il cibo é delizioso.

Okay, THAT WAS EXHAUSTING. I'll pepe some Italiano throughout this blog post, but Io non scrivo the entire thing in Italiano.

So yeah, Io ho un libro from Blogging for Books called Tasting Rome and I decided ubriocare and make some cibo from it questa sera.

Questo libro looked bellissimo online, and it totally lived up to expectations. Le immagini are spectacular. Io amo the mix of photos di Roma and of il cibo. It depicts la citta that Io amo well.

Once I got un libro, I was uncertain of what cucinare. All of the recipes seemed so great, but very complicated. I wanted to make pizza, but the dough had to sit for OVER VENTIQUATTRO ORE. That just seemed like way too much commitment per me. There was this pasta recipe that sounded really delicious: Ajo, ojo, peperoncino, e pomodori arrostiti. HOWEVER, then Io leggo the description and saw that it is also called "pasta dei cornuti" or THE CUCKOLD'S PASTA. Italian folkore says this pasta is served by cheating wives who do not have time to prepare a proper cena per their husbands. BEING A FEMINIST, I CERTAINLY non cucino this meal. (FUCKING DAGOS.)

I settled on Cacio e Pepe and una insalata con hazelnuts e pecorino. The Cacio e Pepe was super easy to make, it was basically just cooking pasta, grating formaggio, and mixing it all together. It has great flavor, basically like FANCY mac and cheese. La insalata was even easier. I just had to toast the hazelnuts and then throw all the shit together with some olio e succo di limone.

DOPO CENA, I decided to make un cocktail called Cinquieme Arrondissement. It was made with gin, St. Germain, and vino rosso. Or, in altro parole it was FORTE AS FUCK. It was also un bellissimo drink, e molti colori. And now, here we are, very drunk.

So, would I recommend questo libro? Si, il libro é bellissimo. Il cibo é bene e il bevande é forte.

Would Io parlo about questo libro while drunk? Probably. Although, I'm not sure if I would parlo in Italiano. Parlare in Italiano e un difficile especially while drunk.

Here, look at alcuni immagini:

   

USOJ BY PETER BERGEN

Okay, I want to preface this drunk book review by saying that I am not a terrorist nor do I support terrorism. I feel like I need to state this because it's KIND OF HARD to get on the internet, while drunk, and talk about terrorism. But I got this cool book, United States of Jihad from BFB and well, my blog is what is, as my Grandma would say. BUT, I am ALL ABOUT making America great again. And I do NOT mean that in the sense of, "Hey, let's all vote for Donald Trump!" Because THAT guy, he's a fucking terrorist.

Fuck, we're off to a really bad start. I feel like my whole preface is basically what a terrorist would say to make people think he's not a terrorist. I'm now on like 100 watch lists, and so are you. It's a good thing I'm not a terrorist. Terrorist is really hard to type whilst drunk. Too many Rs.

Let's get down to brass tacks. This book is pretty good. I saw Bergen give an interview about this book on the Daily Show a few weeks back, so I was excited to see what he had to say in long form.

The premise is home-grown terror and the spread of ISIS. (P.S. FUCK ISIS, they're the worst. You can't trust anyone without a sense of humor.) An interesting concept, especially with the upcoming election. If you watch any GOP debate, they're all for getting rid of all Muslims, and especially preventing any from coming to the country. But what's interesting about this book is how many terrorists are actually American. Born and raised in the good old U. S. of A.

The history of ISIS is pretty interesting and hearing about what they've done with social media is crazy. I still don't understand why any of these idiots would give up their lives based on a tweet, but there's a lot I don't understand about idiots in general.

The thing I found most interesting and that has been most stuck in my brain since finishing the book is the whole idea of entrapment. Bergen says that most of the planned terrorist attacks in the US since 9/11 have been through the FBI. Basically, they think someone is a terrorist, befriend them, plan an attack and get them to follow through so they can arrest them. It's definitely a gray area. On one hand, I can see the benefit of tricking these people into proving their guilt. Hey! They're (suspected) terrorists after all! On the other, would they have gone through with any of it without that push? Bergen presents some cases that cast serious doubt.

Another thing that I found interesting was the very first story in the book. It's about a young Muslim kid from Chicago that gets caught in the airport trying to leave America to join ISIS. He's arrested at the airport and convicted of terrorism. Around the same time, a very similar situation happened with a young white girl in the states, but the FBI contacted her parents several times before she was arrested, trying to talk her out of it. A whole point was raised about why the Muslim kid was not given the same treatment, why the FBI did not try to use his family to change his mind. The book definitely raised some issues that I would never have thought about, some sympathies with young people that maybe could have had a different outcome. FUCK, see what reason can do to a person???

The most upsetting thing to me was reading about a lot of the inadequacies of our current system. Most of the successful terrorist attacks have been, in some way, predicted or the government has been warned. And in almost all cases, someone from the terrorist's community or family was the one to do so. This is particularly upsetting because of the right-wing nut jobs' attacks on the Muslim community. Ted Cruz's recent schpiel about monitoring the communities, or the entire party's demands to ban Muslims seems unfounded when you look at the evidence. The Muslim community is like any other community, hoping to keep people safe, but they're mostly ignored when they try to help.

The end was a little strange to me though. I enjoyed reading the book, it was really well written, and each section lead with an interesting story, and then created a theme around that story, whether it be social media, or community, etc. However, the last section really veered off course. Bergen dropped the discussion of terrorism, saying that you're so much more likely to die from a mass shooting than you are a terrorist attack, and then began to push his agenda. And hey, I completely agree with his agenda, it just felt a little bizarre. Guns are bad, there are a lot of wack jobs in this country killing a lot of people, more so than ISIS. Bergen, we're totally in agreement. But if you wanted to write a book about gun violence and legislation in America, just do that. No one was holding a gun to your head. (OOOOOOOOOH SEE WHAT I DID THERE!)

However, it did leave me with one amazing stat: "Since 9/11, extremists affiliated with a variety of far-right-wing credos, including white supremacists, antiabortion extremists, and anti-government militants, have killed around the same number of people in the United States as have extremists motivated by al-Qaeda's ideology. As we have seen, by the end of 2015, forty-five people have been killed in jihadist terrorist attacks in the United States, while right-wing racists and antigovernment militants had killed forty-eight."

THAT IS SOME INSANE SHIT. But yeah, Muslims are the problem, not right-wing extremists that tout their second amendment right. SUUUUUURE.

I don't know. I get that terrorism is extremely dangerous, and no one wants another 9/11, but some of the measures that have been used to catch so called terrorists, based on what I've read in this book, seem sketchy as fuck. And some of the means to actually stop ALL kinds of terrorism, seem to be routinely ignored. After reading this book, I just wanted to mail it to every single Republican out there. They clearly all need some education.

Soooooo, would I talk about this book while drunk? I don't know, it's hard. I've been putting off this book review because I'm afraid it's going to put me on like every Homeland Security list. Terrorism is a tough topic, especially when you lack basic motor skills due to massive wine consumption.

Would I recommend this book while drunk? Dude, it was a super easy book to read and it was less than 300 pages. If you're interested in learning about home-grown terror, why the fuck not? I would definitely recommend it to any right-wing nut job in my life. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE TYPES.

Fuck, that was an INTENSE book report. Terrorism really kills... one's buzz.

Thomas Jefferson: Our Most Scumbaggy President

Hello again, readers,

Fuck, twice in one night, we should all be so lucky!

I'm here to discuss my latest Presidential biography: American Sphinx: The Character of Thomas Jefferson by Joseph J. Ellis. To begin, I'm super drunk and having a REALLY hard time typing this. However, I have a lot to say about TJ and so am hoping to do so in a timely and sophisticated matter.

FUCK THOMAS JEFFERSON.

I'm sorry, but he was a huge piece of shit. I know that I'm only 3/44, but I'm pretty sure he was our worst President of all time. AND WE HAD THIS GUY NAMED GEORGE W. BUSH IN OFFICE FOR EIGHT FUCKING YEARS.

TJ was terrible. There's not a lot known about him as a youngster, but I'm pretty sure that is because he was the devil incarnate and burnt down all his records himself (I know this isn't true, but bear with me, I'm hammered.) As a young dude, he rode into Philly and became part of the Continental Congress. Basically, no one wanted to waste their time writing the Constitution. Like, John Adams (swoon!) was assigned with the task, and he was all, "Yo, I'm too busy with important shit, let's just have some underling write it for us. It's NBD." And here, entering onto the scene is TJ. He was known for having a really eloquent writing style, and so he was given the job.

At the time, the Constitution didn't mean shit. This only mattered to TJ because he was always blowing smoke up his own ass. From there, he became the Governor of Virginia where he didn't do shit and ran away from the Brits during the army like a little bitch.

Then he was sent abroad as an ambassador, like John Adams, and they became super tight and hung out all the time. John Adams helped him administer some cool deals, and it was a good few years.

Except during this time, TJ was still kind of a piece of shit. He was ALL ABOUT the French Revolution. He thought that government was TERRIBLE and that all these people revolting was a good thing. And I mean, I see that, at that time, it could be construed as a good thing, the people standing up for themselves. But people's HEADS WERE BEING CHOPPED OFF and it definitely lived up to its name as the REIGN OF TERROR and TJ should have never condoned that shit. He had his head so far up the collective Frenchman's ass that he could have never looked at that shit objectively.

Regardless of all that shit, he gave up on France and he returned home. And he kept knocking up his wife and so she died from complications during childbirth and he became super depressed. He didn't do shit for a long time until GDUBS basically begged him to be Secretary of State because everyone was worried he was going to kill himself.

Pretty cool, he was the FIRST Secretary of State. But he didn't really do too much. His big contributions were moving the capital to Virginia and dropping out of the cabinet because he couldn't take the heat. Both of which had to do with his hatred for Alexander Hamilton.

After he knew GDUBS wouldn't be in the White House anymore, he started to put his name out there for Prez. Even though his BFF John Adams was running. This proved to be a huge issue for the two of them and caused a huge rift in their friendship. And TJ was a dick, he would write nasty things about him in the papers, anonymously and basically be an asshole.

John Adams won though, and TJ had to act as his veep. He continued to treat his friend and superior like shit, and he didn't do anything as veep. REAL STAND UP GUY, THAT TJ.

THEN, after John Adam's first term, he devised this huge plan to get himself elected. He shit talked the President, worked with all the Republicans and turned most of the Federalists against John Adams, so he'd be elected. He actually BARELY beat John Adams and was TIED with Aaron Burr. So, like, the huge blight on our early years could have TOTALLY BEEN AVOIDED.

As President, TJ didn't do FUCKING SHIT.

Okay, Louisiana Purchase. But like, Napoleon GAVE that shit to him. Napoleon wanted money and knew we wanted the land so basically was like, "America, HERE YOU GO." TJ is totally revered for the LP, but like, if I found $20 on the street, we wouldn't be talking about how great of a President I was!

His other big accomplishment was lowering the Debt. But that was more his cabinet than what he had to do with it. AND, not that big of a deal. Tackling the National Debt is not something you need to devote your entire Presidency to.

Otherwise, he did some shitty things as Prez. He was fucking terrible to the Native Americans. He was like, "You can stay in our country, but you have to become white. If you don't, we'll destroy you." People give Andrew Jackson a bad rap when it comes to the NAs, but TJ started it all. But you know, he was a dirty fucking racist, so it's to be expected.

He disbanded the Navy which totally FUCKED him over because when France and GB went to war later, we had nothing to protect us. AND AND! When they did go to war, all these issues arrived with trade, and because he was a stubborn fucking dumbass, he issued an embargo on all trade that basically fucked us all in the ass. At that point, he had to basically give up the presidency to Madison, because he was so incompetent.

After his second term, he went back to Monticello and chilled out. He let Adams apologize to him, even though he should have been the one apologizing, and they wrote each other tons of letters in their twilight years like best bros. But throughout these letters, he was a stubborn prick. Adams should have just cut him out, but I get it, HE JUST COULDN'T QUIT HIM. TJ also worked on building UVA and some other projects as an old man, so you know, ACTUAL BENEFITS TO OUR SOCIETY. (Except that, these days, UVA is known for their rape scene. Coincidence? I think not.)

He died within a few hours of his Best Bro Forever, John Adams, on the fucking Fourth of July. It'd be super badass, if John Adams didn't do it first. (Note, TJ actually died first, but like, fuck that dude. John Adams was way better, so I'm putting this as a win in his column. He needs it.)

So like, reading all of this, he wasn't SO BAD. Kind of a shit President, but not a terrible human being... BUT WAIT.

TJ's WHOLE FUCKING LIFE was built around slavery. He came from SO MUCH money, and he had a gazillion slaves. The reason I respect John Adams is because he came from nothing and built what he had by himself. TJ was born into money and had a ton of free labor and STILL couldn't keep his fucking finances together. He was fucking dirt broke all his life and wrung up a MASSIVE debt. TO THE EXTENT THAT ONCE HE DIED THEY SOLD OFF ALL HIS BELONGINGS AND SLAVES TO PAY OFF HIS INSANE DEBT.

He was also a huge fucking hypocrite. He wrote in his original draft of the Constitution that King George was to blame for the slavery problem in America. No dude, it's people like you. He wrote all the time about slavery being an issue but had no problem with having millions of slaves at his mansion. And like, he KNEW that he should free them, but there was no way he could keep profits on his farm without them, so he kept fucking them over.

Not to mention, the whole fucking thing about him sleeping with his slaves. I mean, Ellis didn't seem to think that this was an issue or even a bad thing. He called it a RELATIONSHIP with Sally Hemings. But I'm sorry, when your "GIRLFRIEND" is a piece of PROPERTY there is no way that it's not rape. And the fact that for centuries his family lied about it trying to keep it quiet is disgusting. UGH. I hate TJ.

AND AND, the audacity of this author to say he treated his slaves well was just fucking disgusting. I hated this fucking author. He had such a hard on for TJ that no matter how disgusting TJ was, Ellis just let it slide and said that's how his mind worked. It's like, no, the dude was a piece of shit. Don't praise him.

TJ's whole shpeel was to say one thing, but act a completely different way. Ellis saw this as a very tactical approach to being a politician, but I saw it as being a huge fucking dick wad that doesn't deserve the respect that people pour onto him. He was one of those people that didn't think the federal government should exist, didn't want it to have any power, but wanted to be the center of it. AND then once he was the center of the federal government, would abuse the power when it benefited HIM. It was sick. He was such a fucking hypocrite in every single sense.

I hate that these days, people look back at him as this wonderful founding father. Yeah, he was part of the times, but the country would have been better without him. He was a terrible, no good, piece of shit hypocrite. John Adams was our best founding father and most people think he was a power grubbing sociopath. It's really sad. He was the only one that had the American people's best interest at heart, not his own.

So, after my GIANT rant, let's get into ratings:

Would I talk about this book while drunk? Yeah. A lot. I seriously am on SUCH a Presidential biography kick. And it's all I want to talk about. When I sidle up to a stranger at a bar, I'm all, "What are your thoughts on Thomas Jefferson?" I also find that it's SO relatable to the current political scene, that I'm really happy to be reading these biographies around this time.

Would I recommend this book while drunk? No. I kind of wish that I had picked another TJ biography. This author CLEARLY loved TJ beyond reason. He skipped or glossed over any indiscretion and I felt like it wasn't a really accurate depiction of TJs life. Like, the concept of focusing on a few different periods of his life was cool, but there wasn't even a section on his SECOND TERM. THAT'S FOUR YEARS, BRO. His writing style was nice, but all my notes in the margins were arguments with the author, and that's not how I like to read books.

Well, thank you readers, for listening to my endless rant about Thomas Jefferson, our first piece of shit President. I hope to read Madison soon so that we can discuss. Au Revoir.

Tabasco* Cookbook

Hello readers!!

I just got done with a successful and super fun dinner party! I recently received a cookbook of the Tabasco* persuasion from Blogging for Books, and, let's face it, it was pretty fucking great.

So, my upcoming week is going to be shitty. I'm basically going to be running shit and have an insane deadline SO I figured I might as well have an awesome weekend leading up to it, including getting drunk on a Sunday. I invited my cousin, my high school friend and his girlfriend over for dinner and drinking.

I received the new book on Friday and was SUPER excited about it. There are so many different kinds of recipes: breakfasts, desserts, sauces, entrees, appetizers, drinks, I didn't know what to pick! But, I had to sit down and figure out what to make for my friends.

I decided to make two things for dinner and a dessert because I couldn't pass up a dessert made with hot sauce. I decided to make Scallops in Double Pepper Sauce and the Hot Damn Pesto over Pasta and for dessert the Peppery Gingerbread.

I started drinking immediately today because, fuck this week. And I had a big day of cooking ahead of me. Cousin showed up and then friends showed up almost instantly after (they weren't expected for another hour). Cousin was supposed to bring an electric mixer for the dessert, but forgot, so she was in charge of mixing it by hand. I think besides that, the dessert was SUPER easy, but she was occupied for a while.

Pesto is super easy to make, you just throw a ton of shit in a food processor and throw it over pasta. The scallops were easy, what took the longest was slicing the peppers. Otherwise, I cooked the peppers first and then the scallops and it was done. I was super nervous because I had never made scallops before but no one complained and everyone seemed to like them. Let's see if anyone gets sick tonight.

We drank TONS of wine and ate the food. I harassed everyone into telling me what their favorites were. Ben liked the pesto, Claire liked the scallops and Cousin and I liked the cake best. But everyone seemed into all the food that was there.

I don't think I'd ever make the pesto again. It wasn't spicy, and I make amazing pesto normally, so I'd probably just add Tabasco* to that recipe if I ever wanted spicy pesto. I would make the scallops again, they were tasty, but not like, THE BEST SCALLOPS ever. The cake I would 100% make again, it was like a normal gingerbread, but with a little SPARKLE (spiciness).

The recipes were super easy to follow and cook, but my one gripe is nothing was SUPER spicy. Everything had a slight kick, including dessert, but nothing was spicy, which is what I was hoping for with a Tabasco* cookbook. But it was a fun night, we drank tons of wine and ate a lot and I enjoyed it all.

As for the ratings, it's hard. I've had this book in my possession for like, 3 days. So I haven't talked a lot about it or recommended it when drunk. But that's not to say I wont!

OOOH! And here are some pictures!

*Tabasco the hot sauce, not the region of Mexico (not that any sane person would think that).

J: Or a book I picked because it was named after my first initial.

Let's be clear here. I feel bad calling this a DRUNK book review, because I'm only slightly tipsy. HOWEVER, I did have a handful of wines and if I don't write this review soon, I'm not going to be able to because I finished this book over a month ago.

So, J by Howard Jacobson is a book. I read it. That's a thing.

I did not care for this book. It was described as a 1984 type futuristic story. I mean, YES, it takes place in the FUTURE, but I don't see the comparisons. It was also a Man Booker Prize winner, but it must have been a slow year.

To be frank, I was SUPER excited for this book. I had heard great things! I should have known then that I would be disappointed. It's like Garden State all over again.

I literally did not care about any character in this book or what happened. It was very slow to start and it would just randomly drop story lines. I feel like I can hardly write a good review about it because I don't fully remember what happens, not to mention that I literally could not give less fucks about this book.

Like, there was this whole thing about not being able to say any word that started with the letter J and something happening in the past and the main dude being a product of incest, but literally NONE of this mattered by the end. They also teased this big love between the two main characters and this whole storyline of others plotting for them to be together, but then at the end, he didn't matter, the main chick just needed to get pregnant and then it didn't matter that he killed himself? Seriously, it sounds like I'm just drunkenly trying to make up a story here BUT THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED.

Style wise, it just felt like a rip off of other, more successful authors like Foer. He went back and forth between multiple characters and time periods and letters, but it all just felt disjointed.

Oh!! OH!!! And there was some murderer in the story for no reason whatsoever. Seriously! Somebody got all cut up towards the beginning and there was an investigation and then the killer dude killed the detective, but oh who cares! That didn't matter anyway!

Seriously. This book sucked. I don't think I have one nice thing to say about it. Honestly, the second I read the final page, when the protagonist threw himself off a cliff, I pulled a Lucille Bluth and said, "Good for him!" Just kidding, I said, out loud, TO NO ONE, "Well that was fucking stupid. Glad that's over!" About the book, not the guy killing himself. I think we've established that I don't give a fuck about the characters. Thank god Blogging for Books bequeathed this book onto me, otherwise I would have been pissed I wasted my money.

Soooo, ratings: I think it's pretty clear that I would not get drunk and talk OR recommend this book. Obviously. It's taken me a month to even write this review, and BELIEVE ME, I've gotten drunk HUNDREDS of times. I only wish I had been more motivated to write this review closer to completing the book, it would have been a hell of a lot rantier.

Farewell, dear readers. Soon, we'll be discussing Thomas Jefferson, our most scumbaggy President. Until then.