Thomas Jefferson: Our Most Scumbaggy President

Hello again, readers,

Fuck, twice in one night, we should all be so lucky!

I'm here to discuss my latest Presidential biography: American Sphinx: The Character of Thomas Jefferson by Joseph J. Ellis. To begin, I'm super drunk and having a REALLY hard time typing this. However, I have a lot to say about TJ and so am hoping to do so in a timely and sophisticated matter.

FUCK THOMAS JEFFERSON.

I'm sorry, but he was a huge piece of shit. I know that I'm only 3/44, but I'm pretty sure he was our worst President of all time. AND WE HAD THIS GUY NAMED GEORGE W. BUSH IN OFFICE FOR EIGHT FUCKING YEARS.

TJ was terrible. There's not a lot known about him as a youngster, but I'm pretty sure that is because he was the devil incarnate and burnt down all his records himself (I know this isn't true, but bear with me, I'm hammered.) As a young dude, he rode into Philly and became part of the Continental Congress. Basically, no one wanted to waste their time writing the Constitution. Like, John Adams (swoon!) was assigned with the task, and he was all, "Yo, I'm too busy with important shit, let's just have some underling write it for us. It's NBD." And here, entering onto the scene is TJ. He was known for having a really eloquent writing style, and so he was given the job.

At the time, the Constitution didn't mean shit. This only mattered to TJ because he was always blowing smoke up his own ass. From there, he became the Governor of Virginia where he didn't do shit and ran away from the Brits during the army like a little bitch.

Then he was sent abroad as an ambassador, like John Adams, and they became super tight and hung out all the time. John Adams helped him administer some cool deals, and it was a good few years.

Except during this time, TJ was still kind of a piece of shit. He was ALL ABOUT the French Revolution. He thought that government was TERRIBLE and that all these people revolting was a good thing. And I mean, I see that, at that time, it could be construed as a good thing, the people standing up for themselves. But people's HEADS WERE BEING CHOPPED OFF and it definitely lived up to its name as the REIGN OF TERROR and TJ should have never condoned that shit. He had his head so far up the collective Frenchman's ass that he could have never looked at that shit objectively.

Regardless of all that shit, he gave up on France and he returned home. And he kept knocking up his wife and so she died from complications during childbirth and he became super depressed. He didn't do shit for a long time until GDUBS basically begged him to be Secretary of State because everyone was worried he was going to kill himself.

Pretty cool, he was the FIRST Secretary of State. But he didn't really do too much. His big contributions were moving the capital to Virginia and dropping out of the cabinet because he couldn't take the heat. Both of which had to do with his hatred for Alexander Hamilton.

After he knew GDUBS wouldn't be in the White House anymore, he started to put his name out there for Prez. Even though his BFF John Adams was running. This proved to be a huge issue for the two of them and caused a huge rift in their friendship. And TJ was a dick, he would write nasty things about him in the papers, anonymously and basically be an asshole.

John Adams won though, and TJ had to act as his veep. He continued to treat his friend and superior like shit, and he didn't do anything as veep. REAL STAND UP GUY, THAT TJ.

THEN, after John Adam's first term, he devised this huge plan to get himself elected. He shit talked the President, worked with all the Republicans and turned most of the Federalists against John Adams, so he'd be elected. He actually BARELY beat John Adams and was TIED with Aaron Burr. So, like, the huge blight on our early years could have TOTALLY BEEN AVOIDED.

As President, TJ didn't do FUCKING SHIT.

Okay, Louisiana Purchase. But like, Napoleon GAVE that shit to him. Napoleon wanted money and knew we wanted the land so basically was like, "America, HERE YOU GO." TJ is totally revered for the LP, but like, if I found $20 on the street, we wouldn't be talking about how great of a President I was!

His other big accomplishment was lowering the Debt. But that was more his cabinet than what he had to do with it. AND, not that big of a deal. Tackling the National Debt is not something you need to devote your entire Presidency to.

Otherwise, he did some shitty things as Prez. He was fucking terrible to the Native Americans. He was like, "You can stay in our country, but you have to become white. If you don't, we'll destroy you." People give Andrew Jackson a bad rap when it comes to the NAs, but TJ started it all. But you know, he was a dirty fucking racist, so it's to be expected.

He disbanded the Navy which totally FUCKED him over because when France and GB went to war later, we had nothing to protect us. AND AND! When they did go to war, all these issues arrived with trade, and because he was a stubborn fucking dumbass, he issued an embargo on all trade that basically fucked us all in the ass. At that point, he had to basically give up the presidency to Madison, because he was so incompetent.

After his second term, he went back to Monticello and chilled out. He let Adams apologize to him, even though he should have been the one apologizing, and they wrote each other tons of letters in their twilight years like best bros. But throughout these letters, he was a stubborn prick. Adams should have just cut him out, but I get it, HE JUST COULDN'T QUIT HIM. TJ also worked on building UVA and some other projects as an old man, so you know, ACTUAL BENEFITS TO OUR SOCIETY. (Except that, these days, UVA is known for their rape scene. Coincidence? I think not.)

He died within a few hours of his Best Bro Forever, John Adams, on the fucking Fourth of July. It'd be super badass, if John Adams didn't do it first. (Note, TJ actually died first, but like, fuck that dude. John Adams was way better, so I'm putting this as a win in his column. He needs it.)

So like, reading all of this, he wasn't SO BAD. Kind of a shit President, but not a terrible human being... BUT WAIT.

TJ's WHOLE FUCKING LIFE was built around slavery. He came from SO MUCH money, and he had a gazillion slaves. The reason I respect John Adams is because he came from nothing and built what he had by himself. TJ was born into money and had a ton of free labor and STILL couldn't keep his fucking finances together. He was fucking dirt broke all his life and wrung up a MASSIVE debt. TO THE EXTENT THAT ONCE HE DIED THEY SOLD OFF ALL HIS BELONGINGS AND SLAVES TO PAY OFF HIS INSANE DEBT.

He was also a huge fucking hypocrite. He wrote in his original draft of the Constitution that King George was to blame for the slavery problem in America. No dude, it's people like you. He wrote all the time about slavery being an issue but had no problem with having millions of slaves at his mansion. And like, he KNEW that he should free them, but there was no way he could keep profits on his farm without them, so he kept fucking them over.

Not to mention, the whole fucking thing about him sleeping with his slaves. I mean, Ellis didn't seem to think that this was an issue or even a bad thing. He called it a RELATIONSHIP with Sally Hemings. But I'm sorry, when your "GIRLFRIEND" is a piece of PROPERTY there is no way that it's not rape. And the fact that for centuries his family lied about it trying to keep it quiet is disgusting. UGH. I hate TJ.

AND AND, the audacity of this author to say he treated his slaves well was just fucking disgusting. I hated this fucking author. He had such a hard on for TJ that no matter how disgusting TJ was, Ellis just let it slide and said that's how his mind worked. It's like, no, the dude was a piece of shit. Don't praise him.

TJ's whole shpeel was to say one thing, but act a completely different way. Ellis saw this as a very tactical approach to being a politician, but I saw it as being a huge fucking dick wad that doesn't deserve the respect that people pour onto him. He was one of those people that didn't think the federal government should exist, didn't want it to have any power, but wanted to be the center of it. AND then once he was the center of the federal government, would abuse the power when it benefited HIM. It was sick. He was such a fucking hypocrite in every single sense.

I hate that these days, people look back at him as this wonderful founding father. Yeah, he was part of the times, but the country would have been better without him. He was a terrible, no good, piece of shit hypocrite. John Adams was our best founding father and most people think he was a power grubbing sociopath. It's really sad. He was the only one that had the American people's best interest at heart, not his own.

So, after my GIANT rant, let's get into ratings:

Would I talk about this book while drunk? Yeah. A lot. I seriously am on SUCH a Presidential biography kick. And it's all I want to talk about. When I sidle up to a stranger at a bar, I'm all, "What are your thoughts on Thomas Jefferson?" I also find that it's SO relatable to the current political scene, that I'm really happy to be reading these biographies around this time.

Would I recommend this book while drunk? No. I kind of wish that I had picked another TJ biography. This author CLEARLY loved TJ beyond reason. He skipped or glossed over any indiscretion and I felt like it wasn't a really accurate depiction of TJs life. Like, the concept of focusing on a few different periods of his life was cool, but there wasn't even a section on his SECOND TERM. THAT'S FOUR YEARS, BRO. His writing style was nice, but all my notes in the margins were arguments with the author, and that's not how I like to read books.

Well, thank you readers, for listening to my endless rant about Thomas Jefferson, our first piece of shit President. I hope to read Madison soon so that we can discuss. Au Revoir.

Tabasco* Cookbook

Hello readers!!

I just got done with a successful and super fun dinner party! I recently received a cookbook of the Tabasco* persuasion from Blogging for Books, and, let's face it, it was pretty fucking great.

So, my upcoming week is going to be shitty. I'm basically going to be running shit and have an insane deadline SO I figured I might as well have an awesome weekend leading up to it, including getting drunk on a Sunday. I invited my cousin, my high school friend and his girlfriend over for dinner and drinking.

I received the new book on Friday and was SUPER excited about it. There are so many different kinds of recipes: breakfasts, desserts, sauces, entrees, appetizers, drinks, I didn't know what to pick! But, I had to sit down and figure out what to make for my friends.

I decided to make two things for dinner and a dessert because I couldn't pass up a dessert made with hot sauce. I decided to make Scallops in Double Pepper Sauce and the Hot Damn Pesto over Pasta and for dessert the Peppery Gingerbread.

I started drinking immediately today because, fuck this week. And I had a big day of cooking ahead of me. Cousin showed up and then friends showed up almost instantly after (they weren't expected for another hour). Cousin was supposed to bring an electric mixer for the dessert, but forgot, so she was in charge of mixing it by hand. I think besides that, the dessert was SUPER easy, but she was occupied for a while.

Pesto is super easy to make, you just throw a ton of shit in a food processor and throw it over pasta. The scallops were easy, what took the longest was slicing the peppers. Otherwise, I cooked the peppers first and then the scallops and it was done. I was super nervous because I had never made scallops before but no one complained and everyone seemed to like them. Let's see if anyone gets sick tonight.

We drank TONS of wine and ate the food. I harassed everyone into telling me what their favorites were. Ben liked the pesto, Claire liked the scallops and Cousin and I liked the cake best. But everyone seemed into all the food that was there.

I don't think I'd ever make the pesto again. It wasn't spicy, and I make amazing pesto normally, so I'd probably just add Tabasco* to that recipe if I ever wanted spicy pesto. I would make the scallops again, they were tasty, but not like, THE BEST SCALLOPS ever. The cake I would 100% make again, it was like a normal gingerbread, but with a little SPARKLE (spiciness).

The recipes were super easy to follow and cook, but my one gripe is nothing was SUPER spicy. Everything had a slight kick, including dessert, but nothing was spicy, which is what I was hoping for with a Tabasco* cookbook. But it was a fun night, we drank tons of wine and ate a lot and I enjoyed it all.

As for the ratings, it's hard. I've had this book in my possession for like, 3 days. So I haven't talked a lot about it or recommended it when drunk. But that's not to say I wont!

OOOH! And here are some pictures!

*Tabasco the hot sauce, not the region of Mexico (not that any sane person would think that).

J: Or a book I picked because it was named after my first initial.

Let's be clear here. I feel bad calling this a DRUNK book review, because I'm only slightly tipsy. HOWEVER, I did have a handful of wines and if I don't write this review soon, I'm not going to be able to because I finished this book over a month ago.

So, J by Howard Jacobson is a book. I read it. That's a thing.

I did not care for this book. It was described as a 1984 type futuristic story. I mean, YES, it takes place in the FUTURE, but I don't see the comparisons. It was also a Man Booker Prize winner, but it must have been a slow year.

To be frank, I was SUPER excited for this book. I had heard great things! I should have known then that I would be disappointed. It's like Garden State all over again.

I literally did not care about any character in this book or what happened. It was very slow to start and it would just randomly drop story lines. I feel like I can hardly write a good review about it because I don't fully remember what happens, not to mention that I literally could not give less fucks about this book.

Like, there was this whole thing about not being able to say any word that started with the letter J and something happening in the past and the main dude being a product of incest, but literally NONE of this mattered by the end. They also teased this big love between the two main characters and this whole storyline of others plotting for them to be together, but then at the end, he didn't matter, the main chick just needed to get pregnant and then it didn't matter that he killed himself? Seriously, it sounds like I'm just drunkenly trying to make up a story here BUT THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED.

Style wise, it just felt like a rip off of other, more successful authors like Foer. He went back and forth between multiple characters and time periods and letters, but it all just felt disjointed.

Oh!! OH!!! And there was some murderer in the story for no reason whatsoever. Seriously! Somebody got all cut up towards the beginning and there was an investigation and then the killer dude killed the detective, but oh who cares! That didn't matter anyway!

Seriously. This book sucked. I don't think I have one nice thing to say about it. Honestly, the second I read the final page, when the protagonist threw himself off a cliff, I pulled a Lucille Bluth and said, "Good for him!" Just kidding, I said, out loud, TO NO ONE, "Well that was fucking stupid. Glad that's over!" About the book, not the guy killing himself. I think we've established that I don't give a fuck about the characters. Thank god Blogging for Books bequeathed this book onto me, otherwise I would have been pissed I wasted my money.

Soooo, ratings: I think it's pretty clear that I would not get drunk and talk OR recommend this book. Obviously. It's taken me a month to even write this review, and BELIEVE ME, I've gotten drunk HUNDREDS of times. I only wish I had been more motivated to write this review closer to completing the book, it would have been a hell of a lot rantier.

Farewell, dear readers. Soon, we'll be discussing Thomas Jefferson, our most scumbaggy President. Until then.