GOOD EVENING, DEAR READERS!!!
The time is finally upon us to discuss our 6th President, John Quincy Adams. I finished this book a few months ago, but life has been hell and I haven't really had time time to get hammered and write about a book... UNTIL NOW!! Soon, I'll have a lot more time to do this!!!!
So... JQA... I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS.
When I started reading this book, I was NOT. A FAN. I think at one point in the beginning, I even drew a fucking eye roll emoji into the margins of the book. BUT, by the end, I became ENAMORED of JQA and in turn, have not stopped fucking talking about him.
JQA, as we all know, was the son of our second president, John Adams. He was basically groomed to be a great man from the time he was a kid. His father was obvi SUPER busy and so his mother took a huge interest in his education. At one point, she noticed he was lazy and not reading and so she pretended her eyes hurt and made him read to her. BALLER MOVE. She also convinced him to start his diary which he continued throughout his whole life, which was a major asset to our history books. Abagail Adams, once again, proving to be a ride or die bitch.
JQAs early years are the ones I have the most trouble with. I mean, he had a cool ass life, he traveled with his dad to Europe and became an assistant and translator for the Russian minister at fucking FIFTEEN. I was probably still playing with Barbies at fifteen. I didn't speak 200 languages and get a fucking full time job overseas. Not that he really did anything, except read and write in his diary. (SAME.) And then he slowly made his way back, partying and fucking across Europe. But I digress. My issues with him were AFTER these years. Once he returned to the good old US of A, he had his heart set on Harvard. He was basically US royalty because of his dad, but the dean told him to fuck off. AND OMG, WHAT A FUCKING TRAVESTY. POOR LITTLE WHITE BOY CAN'T GO TO HARVARD. The author of this biography literally says that this set him on a path to ALWAYS fight against what's wrong. I believe this is where I drew the eye roll emoji. After a year, he's allowed in and complains that he's smarter than everyone and fucks around.
At this point, I just couldn't. I was like fucking JQA, man, what a privileged little fuck face. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ENTITLED WHITE MEN. And for a while, he doesn't get any better. He starts a law firm and is all pissed that clients just aren't THROWING themselves at him because his dad is veep. He basically spends his time writing articles about current events.
This impresses Washington and he's appointed to minister to Holland, where he became one of America's best resources for intelligence. He helped set up the Jay Treaty and secured good relations with Britain. BUT he was worried about his job if his father became Washington's successor. Even though France tried to swing the election in TJ's favor (HELLO CORRELATION!), Adams won the presidency and let JQA keep his job.
During all of this he meets his wife, Louisa. And another moment of me wanting to strangle a white man, these words are literally put into print. Louisa was "silent when she needed to be but a good conversationalist when appropriate." GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. I hope this meant she talked constantly and told every man ever to fuck off.
There's also this story where one of the ladies in Germany gave her makeup and she put it on and JQA FLIPPED HIS FUCKING SHIT and forced her to wipe it off and in my notes I wrote "Nevertheless, she persisted." because after several attempts, she wore the shit out of that makeup.
So yeah, at this point, I'm even wondering how I grew to like this asshole. At this point he sounds like some goddamned Bernie bro.
So after his dad lost to TJ, he went back to "TRYING" to be a lawyer. Finally he gave up and decided to run for congress. During his time there he worked hard to get rid of corruption so much that everyone hated him and wanted rid of him. SO, they nominated him for the US Senate. There he made TONS OF FRIENDS. JK LOL. He pissed everyone off there too. Republicans and Federalists could agree on one thing, JQA WAS A FUCKER. He fought everyone on EVERYTHING. No one wanted the Louisiana Purchase, knowing it would stir the shit on the slavery issue. Who pushed a vote? JQA. He even fucking fought his colleagues on wearing signs of mourning. He was referred to as being of "chronic malcontent" read: a dickhead.
Don't get me wrong, he had some achievements in the Senate. He refused to cede 150 miles to Canada and because of that, WE HAVE THE PUGENT SOUND!!!!! WHAT WHAT!!!! He also defended the 1st amendment when that fucker TJ tried to jail a SC justice for having a different opinion than his.
But his Senate career fell to shit when his Non Importation Act passed and shut off trade with Britain and decimated the economy. Again, he went back to "focusing on his law practice." Does his story end here? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T.
He became a minister to Russia under Madison and he was nominated to be on the Supreme Court (he declined). AND JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS MAN ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO BEING PRESIDENT YET. I NEED ANOTHER WINE.
Okay, I'm back. Where was I? Oh, yeah. So he was a diplomat during the War of 1812, but didn't really have a lot to do. Once that was over, he was appointed a position in London and helped establish peace and favorable trade relations with Britain.
Monroe then appointed him Secretary of State, which back in the day was a big fucking deal. It was considered the "ladder to the presidency." (OH GOD, HOW I WISH THAT WERE STILL TRUE. INSTEAD, THE FUCKING APPRENTICE IS. [I need to be careful what I say. I'm pretty sure they're about to Handmaid's Tale the shit out of America {I just finished that book two hours ago and it scared the shit out of me.}.]) Monroe and JQA worked really well together, and Monroe hoped that JQA would succeed him. But JQA, ALL HIGH AND FUCKING MIGHTY felt that the people should pick the president, not him, so he refused to campaign. This came back to royally bite him in the ass.
During all this time, shit went DOWN with slavery. Spain ceded Florida to the US and with it came the question of whether slavery should be allowed there. JQA was a constitutional law expert (much like any fucking GOPer claims to be these days) and he said that we couldn't abolish it without an amendment, but we could prevent it in new states. While flawed, thus was born the Missouri Compromise.
Jesus Christ, I know, this review is ENDLESS, and he ISN'T EVEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT YET. But believe me, the Presidency will take up like, one paragraph.
Monroe won re-election almost unanimously. (People didn't want him to win unanimously, they wanted that honor to only be give ton GDUBS, so someone voted for JQA), but his second term was a wash because he was so concerned with maintaining the "Era of Good Feeling."
Now it's time for the big election! JQA vs. Jackson (vs. Clay vs. 10 million other people). Jackson won the popular vote, but no one got that GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT ELECTORAL COLLEGE. It came down to the House. Clay and Crawford conspired to get JQA elected because they were pretty sure Jackson couldn't even spell his own name. (God, how I wish that's how this past election would have gone. Instead of Trump [who I guess we know can spell his own name cause he fucking writes it on everything, but probably can't spell anything else.]. I wish that those fuckers would have chosen country over party, but as the Monty Python boys always say, "Let's not bicker over who killed who.") Predictably, this did not go over well. Jackson threw a hissy fit and formed a political party who's sole purpose was to prevent JQA from doing anything while president, which, SPOILER ALERT, they succeeded at.
Literally, homeboy spent 4 years reading and writing in his diary. There was this one story about how he went swimming and almost drowned and someone had to save him and pulled him ashore naked and it was SO EMBARRASSING. He also signed this terrible tariff into law, and everyone in the south hated him.
But really, basically EVERYONE hated him. He was "an elite." People were all pissed that a Harvard educated man would tell them how to improve their lives. THEY DIDN'T WANT TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES. (God, there are so many goddamned correlations to HRC, that it fucking pains me to write this. I HAVE PTSD. I need more wine.)
So, he lost reelection, and returned home. He was elected to congress almost unanimously. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS GOOD. I don't know where this JQA was when he was President, but baby, he was a firework. He decided that, fuck it, he was gonna take on BIG SLAVERY and win. He did everything he could to bring the issue of slavery up in the House. Oh, you're gonna put me on the manufacturing committee? Let me find a fucking obscure way to tie slavery to machinery. Oh, you're gonna issue a gag order? Let me bring some mother fucking women in here to "pray" against slavery. Oh, you're gonna censure me? BISH, I DON'T CARE. He literally took EVERY fucking opportunity to try to abolish slavery. And everyone hated him for it.
(Some other notable shit during this time: he was also the lawyer for the free Africans that were kidnapped aboard the Amistad. He won that trial for them. He was also an advocate for FUCKING SCIENCE. He got the Smithsonian and observatories around America built. He also was the first President to sit for a photograph.)
Back to his fight against slavery. He put in a petition for the North to secede and everyone fucking flipped shit. His argument would end up serving as the basis for the Emancipation fucking Proclamation. At this point, he was even more popular than the President. Dude, even fucking LINCOLN is because of this dude. He was a junior congressman during this time and was inspired by all his ranting and raving. WHERE WAS THIS GUY DURING HIS PRESIDENCY?!?!?
AND THEN, OMG, GUYS, THIS IS THE BEST FUCKING PART. So, Texas annexed from Mexico, tried to join the US and it started a war with Mexico and Britain. JQA has been warning against this shit for years. After years of war, it was finally over, and there was a vote on the floor to thank the generals for their victory. Everyone voted yes. EXCEPT FUCKING JOHN. QUINCY. ADAMS. And as he shouts "NAY," HE FUCKING COLLAPSES AND DIES. THIS GUY WAS SO BADASS THAT HE LITERALLY VOTED AGAINST SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE WAS FOR WITH HIS DYING BREATH. I CAN'T EVEN.
And man, the nation MOURNED. They mourned harder than they did when GDUBS, MISTER FUCKING AMERICA, died. People had finally realized what a stand up dude he was and were sad to lose him as protector of their rights.
Isn't this story incredible?????!??! It starts with some fucking bro that just like, rides on his dad's coat tails and ends up with the guy that basically ended slavery. Well, he started to end slavery. He had mother fucking convictions and he impressed the shit out of me.
(Side note, this is so badly what I want for HRC right now. I know that most people think that after you try for President, it's beneath you to be anything else. But JQA served fucking 18 years as a congressman after being a President, and I would argue that it was the most impressive moments of his life. I'd love to see her destroy on the floor of the House, not giving a fuck, fighting for what's right, and then getting the respect she deserves. But, I digress.)
Let's get down to brass tacks since I've been literally typing for over an hour and I'm much drunker now than when I started. Obviously, I've been talking about this a lot when drunk. I recently went to dinner with friends and spent the entire time talking about JQA. And yes, I'd recommend this book. Unger is a pro, even if his thoughts on women are borderline eye roll.
Now onto Presidential Power Rankings. I'm unsure how to play this. So like, JQA was a shit president. He literally didn't do anything besides write in his diary and almost drown. BUT, after his presidency, he was FUCKING AWESOME. Way more impressive than any of the dopes that came before him. And when I look at the power rankings thus far, I feel way more strongly about him than any of the other top contenders. SO....
1. JQA - While he didn't do anything as President, he's the most impressive man thus far. And if anyone wants to argue this, I have a "DIED VOTING HIS CONSCIOUS" card I can play.
2. Monroe - Still stands up as a good dude.
3. John Adams - JQA Lite. Same Convictions, Less Calories.
4. GDUBS - We'll always have the curtains at Mount Vernon.
5. Madison - Hey, at least you're not Thomas Jefferson.
6. TJ - Listen dude, this is the last time I rank you last. Jackson is up next.
