Hey readers!
I found some wine, and I'm ready to talk about our SEVENTH FUCKING PRESIDENT, BLOODY BLOODY ANDREW JACKSON! (Does anyone remember that musical?? It was like THE OG Hamilton. I'm pretty sure Lin Man Miranda Manuel isn't even that original. Now I'm glad I can't afford to see Hamilton. I saw the OG Presidential Broadway show.)
I went into this biography thinking, "Jackson, he's a real scumbag. I can't wait to hear about all the ways he destroyed our country." And guys, I don't like to admit when I'm wrong, but... I was wrong. Jackson, while Problematic with a capital P, was actually kind of great? Fuck. I know, it feels wrong to say, but hear me out...
Jackson had a pretty tough childhood. His parents came from Ireland (that explains the temper) and settled in the frontier. The original Andrew Jackson came a year before the Andrew Jackson we know and love (?), but he died as a baby, and, this is super weird, but the pallbearers got so drunk they lost the corpse. I literally wrote "WTF?" in the margins when I read this. (Side note. I love that this fucking author Meacham finds it appropriate to include shit like this, but literally writes, "Jackson was an attorney general for Tennessee, us rep, us senator, judge, and major general of the state militia." in ONE FUCKING SENTENCE.) Back to AJ: The Sequel, Back in Jackson, his dad died before he was born and his mom had to go to work. She was hired by the Crawford family to clean and take care of their kids. So Jackson was basically on his own.
There's this story early on about how him and his brother were captured by British soldiers during the revolutionary war. The soldiers demanded he clean their boots and he was all FUCK OFF BROS. He was 13. His mother bailed them out, but the brother did not survive and Jackson carried a scar on his forehead for the rest of his life. Shortly after his mother was called to Charleston to care for one of the rich Crawford kids. She gets sick and dies and now Jackson is all alone. (His other brother, a soldier, died in combat.) This is pretty monumental shit in how Jackson will act. He learns to love his country above all else (probably cause he didn't really HAVE much) and will defend it at any cost.
He spends the rest of his childhood bouncing around family's homes, causing problems and being thrown out. Because of this he's never given a formal education. He did spend a lot of time in church though, and that gives him a "worldly viewpoint." (Meacham's words, not mine.)
He spends his twenties partying hard, but also being a lawyer? This is one of my beefs with Meacham's work. Jackson's entire early life is condensed down into like, 40 pages. Which, I get, he has an impressive presidency and you want to focus on that, but like how does he go from this problem child to lawyer? Like, I don't know what the RULES are in early America, but it's gotta be harder than just being like, "Gee, I'm a lawyer now!" Context helps, friend, context helps.
So yeah, he was a wild man who got into a lot of fights. He got into this big duel with this guy Dickinson over his wife's honor and OMG DUDE, JACKSON KILLED A GUY! ("You might want to lay low, you're probably wanted for murder.") And he carried the fucking bullet around in his chest for his entire life. Jackson was the original Greedo, "Han shot first!" (Dudes, why do I even know this nerd shit? I buy ONE STAR WARS SHIRT and now I can reference it?!? WHAT IS MY LIFE!) But the biggest scandal of his life (NO, NOT HIM FUCKING KILLING A GUY, which, this is probably why Trump thinks he could kill someone and not lose any support because we already had a fucking murderer as President) is when he married some other man's wife!!!! When he moved to Tennessee, he stayed with the Donnelsons and fell in love with Rachel. She was married to someone else, although, admittedly it was not going well. She leaves the dude, there's some fuzziness in the timeline, and Jackson marries her. Some say that they THOUGHT she was divorced, others say they're bigamists. Who knows? Who cares? (I mean, a lot of 1824 and 1828 voters, but whatevs.) (Also, sidenote: the photo they include of Rachel in the book... I don't like to be one of those women that shits on another woman's looks and thinks like why did so and so get with her, she's an uggo, but... Andrew Jackson had AMAZING HAIR and he seems like he was a lot of fun... This is Meacham's fault, he doesn't give me reasons why AJ loved her and so I'm literally ONLY going off of her looks here. I know, now I'm Problematic with a capital P.)
Another thing Meacham glosses over is Jackson's military career. He was a bomb ass general (I originally wrote major here, but because that is a war thing, I felt like "major general" would be unnecessarily confusing) during the war of 1812. At one point he imposes martial law on New Orleans so that no brits can leave and he defeats them all in a decisive victory. (Well, the war had ended at this point, but he didn't know that, so let's let him have it).
Jackson maintained this epic wartime personality even after the war ended. He invaded and secured Florida for the US, he got rid of Native Americans, hell, the guy did it all! Some say he had a terrible temper, which, I will not argue against (See: treatment of Native Americans). But he did learn how to reign it in as he got older, in order for him to succeed.
Speaking of succeeding, 1824 was not his year. As we know from my JQA biography *SPOILERS*, Jackson lost the 1824 election to JQA in the house, even though he won the popular vote. This defeat kind of changed his life. He began campaigning for the 1828 election on the spot, and vowed to fight FOR THE PEOPLE for the rest of his life.
Who knows what Jackson did during those four years, because Meacham sure as fuck didn't mention it. Cut to: Jackson wins 1828 election!!!! But it was dirty as fuck. And all JQA's people went after AJ and his past but particularly Rachel and her previous marriage. She was so distraught that she FUCKING DIED LIKE TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE INAUGURATION. Jackson literally bases half his presidency on defending her/women like her's honor. It's a rocky road, but I am here for it.
The 1828 election had a huge turnout, and Emily Donnelson, Jackson's niece/proxy first lady (that's not weird) calls the inauguration the biggest crowd of all time. This had me all 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔. I even drew that emoji in the margins of the book. (Spoiler alert: this will not be the only time that I draw comparisons from this time to the present shit show.) A big correlation was that Jackson was like, the first big disruption the White House had seen. Everyone was pretty sure that Jackson was an ingrate and that he would destroy the country. Most people didn't even think he knew how to read. Plus! He talked about DRAINING THE MOTHER FUCKING SWAMP. (Although, big difference here, Jackson actually BELIEVED what he said and followed through.)
Jackson felt that he was the man to speak for THE PEOPLE and that Washington was full of insiders and he was gonna go in there and fucking change that shit. He started by eliminating 919 appointments which was historic af. This idea of being for the people would be one of the defining thoughts of his presidency.
(Side note, because Jackson and JQA hated each other so much, they didn't fucking talk about inauguration day, and there were NO FUCKING COPS. All the people stormed the White House and it was like a fucking mob scene. People fucking trashed the place. Great start, dude.)
I'm starting to get really fucking tired and am not sure if I can keep this up. I'm sitting here like, should I just wait and get drunk another day this week and finish so that I can give AJ's presidency his due diligence, or should I just keep trucking?
OKAY FUCKERS, I'M BACK. Sorry for that brief hiatus! (Although, what am I talking about here? You don't even know that I took a break! It's not like I published the first half. I could LITRALLY just delete the paragraph above and get back to brass tacks. But really, I don't want to lie to you guys.) But look at me, here I am, drunk on a Tuesday. IS THIS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME? Funemployment, you treat me so well.
So where was I? Right! Jackson was just elected President. I know thus far, I've kind of outlined shit in a chronological order, but I think that for his Presidency, I just want to talk about the major points, because there are about five HUGE things that happened and I think they'll be better to talk about individually than trying to break up in order. Bear with me guys, okay?
EATONS V. EVERYONE
First and foremost, I want to talk about the most EPIC scandal ever. I literally am OBSESSED with this part of the biography, I have a new hero. Her name was Margarette O'Neal Timberlake Eaton. Notice all her fucking last names, this lady was a BOSS (pronounced BAUUUUSS). So, Margarette, she was known for her loose morals and even looser legs. She was married to this marine last name Timberlake, first name who gives a fuck because he dies in the beginning of this story. That's right, he was all up in arms about Margie stepping out that, rumor has it, he killed himself. One of the men (and there were many [There's this hilarious aside about this British minister that passed her in the halls of the White House and was appalled that she didn't recognize him. Why? Because they had slept together]) that Margie was sleeping with was Eaton (who's first name is escaping me because he literally doesn't matter in this story, other than being the avenue for us meeting the love of my life, Margie), who knocked her up, and then being the stand up guy he was, married her. Well, you may ask, why does this matter? Well, this matters because Eaton became Jackson's Secretary of War.
Half of Jackson's cabinet hated the Eatons, his veep, Calhoun, hated the Eatons, the Donnelsons, his family from another mother (Rachel), hated the Eatons (they tried to be more tactful about it, but it was pretty clear that they despised Margie, and it fucking blew up in their faces). Even the fucking religious wackjobs hated her. Jackson's own priest got involved in the scandal. His priest made this whole "sad catalog" of her misconduct (Sidenote: I really want to make this a real thing. Send out a monthly sad catalog to subscribers. I don't know what it entails, but definitely a lot of tissues and tv dinners) and even wrote letters equating Margie to Rachel (which Jackson basically responded with a OH NO YOU DIN'T). A lot of people said that he shouldn't have stuck up for the Eaton's. Especially when he held a FUCKING CABINET MEETING defending Margie's honor and calling her as "chaste as a virgin!" LOLZ (As Mrs. JQA pointed out, most of the stories about Margie came form her own mouth!) (There was also this nice little aside about JQA writing about this scandal in his diary and I so love imagining him as a gossipy little bitch.) But basically Jackson felt like Eaton was a stand up guy of great morals (other than his hussy ass wife) who was damn good at his job.
Early on in the administration, Eaton considered resigning because everyone hated his wife so much. He ended up staying on though and it caused TONS of issues throughout his administration. Anytime there was a goddamned party, the cabinet's wives would not socialize with Margie and it would become a whole thing. FINALLY, a compromise was reached: Jackson wouldn't force the members of his cabinet (and their prude ass wives) to socialize with the Eatons, but they couldn't spread rumors about her either.
In the middle of his first term, the Eaton issue also caused riffs within his own family. Margie told AJ that Emily was acting like a major bitch to her, and Jackson was furious. He basically told Emily and Andrew that they would accompany him to Tennessee, and if they didn't apologize, they couldn't return to the White House. Well, SPOILER ALERT: They didn't apologize and Emily was exiled from the WH for almost two years.
The Eaton saga finally ended at the end of Jackson's first term. Van Buren, who was the mastermind behind the 1828 election, started scheming for the 1832 election (and beyond!). He basically was like, if Jackson is going to defeat Clay (and most likely Calhoun), we need to get rid of all this fucking scandal. (God, what an old timey Olivia Pope.) He decided that he would resign. He knew that Eaton would follow suit; Emily and Andrew Donnelson would return to the WH, and Jackson would be focused and ready to win. It all worked according to plan, Jackson forced three more members of his cabinet to resign and he emerged with a cabinet he could control, and Van Buren escaped the scandal unscathed.
WAIT! It's not over! There's this HILARIOUS FUCKING STORY about Ingham (one of the cabinet members) and Eaton fucking battling it out on the streets of DC. After he was forced to resign, Ingham wrote about the scandal in the paper and Eaton was fucking furious. SO MUCH SO THAT HE TRIES TO KILL INGHAM. He and his friends begin a fucking armed search of the city, prowling outside his home and office. Ingham finally gets away to Baltimore, and Eaton retires. (Also, we can't forget about our dear Margie. In her old age, she fucking marries her grandaughter's NINETEEN YEAR OLD ITALIAN DANCE INSTRUCTOR. BOSS ASS FUCKING BITCH. If this is ever made into a movie, I want Rhianna to play her.)
So, you may ask, why do Margie's sexual escapades matter? Well, that's because people are fucking prudes. Everyone lost their fucking SHIT over Margie's hussy ways. See, she was totally unapologetic about her past/present. She was loud and brash, and the other members of Jackson's cabinet were not into it. Her hoery basically created this giant schism. And well, because of Jackson's past with Rachel, he stuck up for Margie. You were either on his (and by proxy her) side, or you weren't. Meacham theorizes that this scandal reverberated through American politics for DECADES (GOD, America, WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH WOMEN AND WHAT THEY DO WITH THEIR BODIES?????)
One of the big divides was between Jackson and Calhoun, his veep. Calhoun basically saw his path to the White House as avoiding conflict. He figured that Jackson was a one term President and he thought he would just sit back and wait to be chosen his successor. HOWEVER, Calhoun's wife did NOT care for our dear Margie, and so Calhoun did not either. And Jackson, intent on standing up for her honor, grew distant with his veep. One man that stepped up to help defend Margie's honor was Martin Van Buren. Readers, do we know who succeeded Jackson to be President of these United States? Was it Calhoun? No. It wasn't. It was FUCKING MARTIN VAN BUREN.
So yeah, we can all thank Margarette O'Neal Timberlake Eaton, the fucking kingmaker.
JACKSON V. THE SOUTH
Arguably the most defining argument during Jackson's presidency was Nullification. Basically, South Carolina was trying to assert "States Rights" (yes, that's right, that bullshit still existed back then!) because they were pissed about some BS they didn't agree with. See, JQA had imposed this tariff. And they wanted the right to nullify any federal law that they didn't agree with. (They also really didn't want to lose their slaves.) Calhoun was one of the men leading the charge for SC, and there was even talk of secession. Jackson felt that above all, unity was most important. He felt that this issue was a temporary divisions and that the country must overcome and stay together.
In 1830, two major issues came to a head: the tariff and internal improvements. Basically all the money that was being raised by the tariffs in the south was being used to improve states in the west and the south was not happy. Senator Clay proposed some road in Kentucky and Jackson was like, Fuck, what do I do? See, Jackson wasn't really sure HOW to fix the issue of federally raised money being used for state shit, so he decided that he would only approve interstate projects and veto anything that didn't cross state lines. Southerners were fucking pissed. They wanted their fucking money to go to THEIR states. They were basically Goodfellas at this point (FUCK YOU, PAY ME.).
Jackson attempted to lower tariffs, but it didn't appease the nullifiers. He started to make plans for a possible mutiny and started quietly organized troops. (He had fucking spies in the south which was cool as shit) Then, in 1832, SC nullified the tariff and challenged the President's authority. Jackson gave his annual address shortly after. Most thought he was being a giant pussy and giving into the nullifiers, but he was only trying to make SC appear unreasonable before his proclamation where he'd fucking LOSE IT ON THOSE SOUTHERN FUCKS. He argued that if nullification were in existence at the start of the union, that the United States wouldn't exist. That some dumbass state would have found a reason not to fight on the Revolutionary War. He argued that there were already ways to appeal unconstitutional acts passed by congress: the judiciary and the President. And that these idiots were just being big giant babies.
Surprisingly, this proclamation didn't seem to knock any sense into these thick skulled southern mouth breathers. Tensions continued to rise and it looked like the nation would delve into a civil war. Because of this, Jackson proposed the Force Bill, which would give him authorization to direct the military and state militias to carry out federal law. He basically worried that other states might join SC in so many different scenarios. He worried that if he cut the tariff by too much, northerners would join the fight for nullification, but if he didn't cut it enough, the southerners might. If he secured the power to strike, southerners would join the cause, if he didn't, he'd be accused of overstepping his power. HE WAS IN A WORLD CLASS PICKLE. (Except for the fact that he DID have the power to strike, he just wanted to fuck over Congress and put himself in the best possible political position. You know, re-election.)
FINALLY, Senator Clay proposed a cut to the tariff and the Compromise of 1833 emerged. The tariff is reformed and the Force Bill passes. Jackson basically loses to posterity in this case though, with Clay and Calhoun emerging as the driving forces behind the passage of the Compromise. HOWEVER, Jackson had been the man behind the scenes pushing for compromise the whole time. They all talk about him being a war hungry rage ball, but like, he would have found a way to use military force against SC rather than waiting until being struck first if he had wanted to. He merely projected an image of strength while looking for a way out.
So... I just spent fucking four hours writing the end of this goddamned book review. It was brilliant. I went into Jackson's fights with Native Americans and Congress and everyone and I talked about all the funny fucking things in this book that cracked me up. I ranked the Presidents. I wrote about why I felt Jackson was better than half of the founding fathers. I pressed save. I published. And... it's all gone. So much fucking energy. So many thoughts, just... gone.
I can't do this for longer or go into more detail. I wanted to give this it's due diligence and this fucking program fucking fucked me.
So, let's quickly recap:
The other sections we're missing are:
Jackson V. Bank - Basically Jackson fought with the national bank because he felt like they didn't have the interest of the people. It was a super long, nuanced fight, but because Blogger sucks, this it all you get. Jackson ended up winning this battle, but was censured.
Jackson V. Minorities - We all know he was a dick when it comes to Native Americans. He wasn't the only person that felt this way at the time, but that doesn't excuse shit. Again, another fucking nuanced issue that I'm condensing to nothing. Thanks fucking browser.
Jackson V. Congress - Arguably the most important issue that we don't fucking have time for. The jist of it is that Jackson fought with Congress to expand his power. Not for his personal gain, but for the people. Would have loved to go into detail here.
God, this fucking review depresses me. I spent fucking hours going into specific reasoning while I felt that Jackson was an impressive President, important to the time, important to prosperity and it's all gone. I talked about his fucking impression on future presidencies and history and why he made it to my top five thus far. And now, if I list my goddamned power rankings, it's just gonna seem like I thought the dumb Eaton scandal was fun so I gave him I high ranking.
Yeah, I talked about this stupid book a lot, and yeah I'd fucking recommend it. I had this whole bit about how they mention Lincoln like a goddamned superhero origin story, but I'm too tired now. It was all so funny and great and fuck technology.
So Power rankings (Oh I had this hilarious bit that for each I'd say something like, "name a better doctrine, I'll wait" like that dumb ass meme, and TJ's mentioned abuse of power dynamics, but again, 2018 blows a big one, so here's just your dumb list in order.)
1. JQA
2. Monroe
3. John Adams
4. Jackson
5. GDUBS
6. Madison
7. TJ - don't @ me
Have a good night. Just imagine in place of this shitty second half a beautiful, detailed, hilarious review that I spent my entire night on. Just picture how much fun I had staying up til 3am writing it. Just picture how I took literal months to get back to writing this, how I wanted to give it thought and heart and effort. Just picture that I refused to start my book on Van Buren until I could get drunk and finish the book review, as to not sully my impression of Jackson based on this new author's thoughts. Yeah, tonight sucks.
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